Live Nude Girls, Or, Being the Lack of Inspiration: Sports by Randal

Read Time:4 Minute, 47 Second

Sorry, but if they were nude, Mike would be Mad at me.

I know, I know, the post title’s nearly as fine an oxymoron as military intelligence, merci. How could live nude girls, of all things, not be inspirational? Besides, it’s not as if there aren’t enough sporty, spicy things to pontificate about: the NBA playoffs, the NHL playoffs, the baseball regular season, the thrilling conclusions of most major European football leagues and tournaments, the relatively comic ineptitude of Americanized European football (have you seen DC United play? Yikes!) known to crackerdom as soccer.

If only I had one of those baroque pope hats, then I could pontificate properly and with much gusto. Or a live nude girl or three.

See how easily I upped the word count by saying absolutely nothing of import? I’ve got a bright future in politics, I do. Hey there, Mr. Brown Shoes, how about that local sports team?

“Pick a topic already, asshole.”

Alright, alright. I’ll save the poorly pitched World Cup prognostication for later in case there’s another prostitution scandal — sneak preview: the United States won’t go further than the round of 16 and England will once again choke when it counts the most — and blab about

*pulls a piece of paper out of a hat*

The FA Cup Final.

“That’s not until May 15, and you’re not from the UK, traitor.”

Be quiet, this ain’t Arizona, though it’s probably smart to save most of the North American stuff for my place otherwise it’s nothing but a cavalcade of poorly-composed digital photography and reviews of death metal albums and I’d hate to lose the 27 or so daily hits. And yes, I actually did pull a piece of paper out of a hat. Given its distinct lack of popularity, be glad the fates didn’t give you “lawn darts.”

Now, as much as I enjoy the beautiful game, and even attempted to play it in a passable manner in my youth, I never grew up in a hardcore soccer culture, one plausible symptom being that I don’t have a favorite side on whose fortunes my emotions rise and fall. Give me fantastic feet, painfully close woodwork hits, timely goals, big spenders falling by the wayside *chuckle* a complete lack of diving *chortle* and I’m cool.

However, there exists one facet that cuts across all cultural, gender, racial, religious, spiritual, mushroom-chomping, pot-smoking, freebasing lines: money. It’s, apparently, a gas.

So, the final, Chelsea vs. Portsmouth, big moolah success vs. smaller big moolah failure, a provincial microcosm of the stratospheric climes of the EPL, Serie A and La Liga. To hell with England’s so-called Big Four — Five once Man City spends another 49 quadrillion pounds in the off season — check out the Spanish standings. At least it’s a two-horse race and not one, I guess.

Get your money for nothing and your kicks for free.

L’argent, Geld, dinero, soldi, the genie’s out and it ain’t going back in because it’s perched on Sepp’s fancy new bling. I know this, you know this, everyone know this. What to do?

*a vast, empty space*

I’m sure you’ll notice no solution to the problem. Who do I look like, Milton Friedman? Thankfully not, because, aside from being as unattractive as a comic book super villain, he’d find a way to make the hideous concept behind the G-14 appear quaint as a box of Pepperidge Farm cookies. Even the less debt-ridden top competition such as Ligue 1 and the Bundesliga have their own sets of problems. As in the United States, one doesn’t invest in sports franchises in order to compare checking accounts with Bill Gates and Middle Eastern sheiks. That’s what manipulating stock markets and real estate is for.

The question of the hour: taking into account the particular vagaries and specifics of European economy and culture, would an American style salary cap work?

Perhaps, though it’s easy to imagine Jerry Jones on the phone with Roger Goodell in between plastic surgery appointments demanding the elimination of the cap and the creation of transfer windows. Our version of football (and basketball) has one, and the NFL (and the NBA) isn’t exactly starved for attention and profit, and the fans remain passionate, though the worst ours generally sink is twirling Terrible Towels and throwing dog bones and batteries at John Elway. I still have that letter sent by Bud Carson and Hanford Dixon (read: the team’s admin) to season ticket holders. Sigh, memories. I imagine that fandom, even the ultras, wouldn’t be harmed one bit by a more balanced playing field and a smidge more television scratch allocated to the less glamorous leagues and the lower levels. Right, association bigwigs?

Now that’s naivete.

At the end of the day, I’m the furthest distance possible from shocked when nations go into debt. Imperialism and/or banana republicanism is, like sport, nothing more than dick waving, and flaunting the third leg costs pallets of cash, though in the former, bodies get drawn-and-quartered and brains get splattered. I expect a little more from sport.

Now that’s sarcasm.

For the Average Joe Fan across the pond who has little financial influence in his own abode let alone in the wider world, what’s left but rooting interest. Since, as I stated near the top of this inexorable drone, I don’t have one; it’s either the spendaholic or the spendaholic who went on one too many raging benders. Thus, a pox upon both and may Rupert’s television network air a scoreless draw peppered by wake-up energy drinks, singalongs and lusty boos, settled by penalty kicks. Since the only group that would get screwed would be us fans, nothing could be more appropriate.

About Post Author

Carol Bell

Carol is a graduate of the University of Alabama. Her passion is journalism and it shows. Carol is our unpaid, but very efficient, administrative secretary.
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12 years ago

That was some scholarly article.

13 years ago

Something about girls just makes me forget about football…oh, by the way my team Trinidad and Tobago made it into the World Cup the last time, first time in our history too, so look out for us this time around.

Reply to  teeluck
13 years ago

Teeluck – so you are a Dwight Yorke fan then.

13 years ago

holte, I’d love for you to do a post on this and I sure hope you’re right. Seems that every time something like a Wigan 05-06 happens, they invariably start sliding back down towards relegation.

dr.zaius, gotta go with what you know. 😉

demeur, exactly! The fuckers running FIFA *love* money, so all we have to do is repeat what we did in Iraq, planes full of bricked bills. Buy off some refs and North America’s first World Cup champion. Take that, Old Europe!

Demeur
13 years ago

You realize guys that once the U.S. gets into the game it’ll be game over for all those wonderful teams across the pond. Not that we’ll get any better anytime soon but we’ll kill the sport with yet more truckloads of cash. Like all the other sports here where sports took a backseat to the almighty dollar we soon will destroy your little national past time. So enjoy what little remnants of sporting competition remain while it lasts.

13 years ago

“See how easily I upped the word count by saying absolutely nothing of import?”

Something of a signature writing style for you. 🙂

13 years ago

Tim, a little cheesecake doesn’t hurt, especially when I add a shot of the quite non-handsome Mr. Blatter.

lisa, this is America and I’m a white male age 18-49. Of course I don’t need no stinkin’ permit!

mike, I’m taking your comments as tacit approval of live nude girls. 😉

fourdinners, no, no, post about Oldham Athletic! And I suppose if someone held the proverbial firearm to my skull, I’d have to go with Portsmouth, too, simply because Chelsea’s in no danger of hard times.

mike, in the defense of the intelligence community (it pains me typing that, believe you me), they *did* come up with the infamous PDB that a certain pretzel aficionado, under orders by his puppetmaster, ignored. 😉

holte, there you go, ruining a perfectly serviceable rant with your “facts.” But seriously, that’s quite a disturbing scenario. One could, theoretically, build up a better system from the new get-go, but how many would sign on. I’m not talking the greedhounds running the thing, I mean the players, willing to give up multiple Mercedes and a WAG-a-week.

If someone would offer me 25k a week to play, I wouldn’t say no, but I’ve seen salary caps work (no, the system isn’t perfect and there are of course, as with everything, loopholes). The biggest difference is the tiered system over there. Here, the NCAA is basically a free feeder machine for the NFL. The only thing comparable is minor league baseball, and those lower ranks are affiliates, as opposed to say Sheffield United being its own entity.

I just hate seeing the same goddamn teams dominate everything. 🙂

Reply to  Randal Graves
13 years ago

I could talk for a month on this subject without repeating myself. I will say this, an unfashionable team, with emphasis on team, will crack the top six or maybe four and shake up the world of the EPL, it will happen.

Reply to  Randal Graves
13 years ago

“mike, I’m taking your comments as tacit approval of live nude girls.” That’s that. This is now officially a porn site. You never can predict where the ol’ career path will lead you.

13 years ago

Would an American style salary cap work?

That question has been raised by EUFA and by prominent voices in the game. No, is my answer. They couldn’t do it the EPL without doing in the La Liga, Serie A, Eredivsie, Bundasliga, SPL and even The Championship which is the 5th most watched league in Europe.

If EUFA or even FIFA forced the issue, 3 or 4 teams from major leagues would break away and form their own private league. No promotion, no regulation, Technically, EUFA would have to ban all players participating from all international competitions, the EUROs and the World Cup. The free enterprise greed of the powerhouse teams would destroy all the home leagues and potentially the greatest sporting show on earth.

Right now the EPL they share TV revenues, in Spain, Real Madrid and Barcelona negotiate their own TV deals with most countries, that’s why they are mega-rich and can afford a $100 million plus for a player.

Admin
13 years ago

By the way Randal I served in Military Intelligence for a couple of years. You are right 🙂

Admin
13 years ago

Randal writes:

“Sorry, if they were nude, Mike would be Mad at me.”

Who me? Not me. We are more Page 6 than the New York Times 🙂

13 years ago

So we’ve got a nude girlie show before the final? I didn’t realise! I’ll switch on early to catch it!

Chelsea will undoubtedly win. Wouldn’t it be bloody marvellous if Portsmouth win it?????

A Premiership side relegated already, and bankrupt, beat the Premierships richest club!!!!

Long as I enjoy a good game then whatever…but guess who I’ll be chearing on….nude girls or not…

One day old bean. One day it’ll be Oldham Athletic at the top.

I am quite clearly pissed. Still, I do love them you know…Oldham Athletic have made me immune from depression.

If anyone asks, I will post all about Oldham Athletic….so do yourselves a favour and don’t ask…;-)

Nude girls at Oldham’s ground? Good grief! It would be The Roly Polys if we were lucky (and if you have no idea about the Roly Polys just translate the name eh?)

Reply to  fourdinners
13 years ago

Hey old beaner! Isn’t that you kicking the soccer ball. Wait. No that guy is too young 🙂

13 years ago

I think you said dick waving. Did you need a permit for that?

Reply to  lisahgolden
13 years ago

LOL! Astute observation and follow-up 🙂

13 years ago

Ahhh dreams in three. Nice photo, summers coming.

Reply to  Tim Waters
13 years ago

Tim I was just thinking that…among other things 🙂

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