NFL Draft 2010: Misery – I’ll be your company
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One of the reasons of my misery
Good evening, ladies and germs, I just flew in from Iceland and boy, is my pyroclastic flow tired. Yeah, yeah, keep your groans to yourself. Thanks to the cash-rich, would-shame-Berlusconi campaigning of Holte, a jolly good bloke, steak and kidney pie, pip pip, I’m here at Mad Mike’s America ostensibly to bloviate about sports, so if you loathe my prose, blame him.
Being from Cleveland, one thing I’m well-versed in is the strangely soothing state of misery. Soothing, you query? Bien sûr. The Elizabethans were on to something with their anatomies of melancholy, their Danish tragedies and the romantics only upped the ante. The finest stanzas are naught but paeans to yearning, longing and loss.
Beautiful losers are what is alluring to these, our tenebrous hearts. The Impossible Dream of the 1967 Boston Red Sox, the mesmerizing totaalvoetbal of the 1974 and 1978 Dutch World Cup teams, the game seven John Starks 2-18 of the 1994 New York Knicks, the 1991 Buffalo Bills wide right. And here in Northeast Ohio, the Miracle of Richfield, the Shot, Joe Table, and, worst of all, the Drive and the Fumble.
But my love affair with sadness began with my first season attending Browns games as a youthful, quiet Lego enthusiast, the Kardiac Kids of 1980 and Red Right 88. The first cut isn’t always the deepest, but it’s when the blood begins its journey out of the body and down to saturate the filthy turf.
Why am I bringing this up? Because it’s time for, and cue the Russian please, a rite of spring: the NFL draft, where dreams go to die from exposure to Chris Berman’s superheated bluster and Mel Kiper’s hair. And, if truth be told, comically inept front offices. The draft is a crapshoot they say; witness a former sixth-round pick becoming a league and Super Bowl MVP and Mrs. Gisele Bundchen and a former number two overall becoming the catchphrase for bust.
But there’s a reason teams such as the Patriots and the Steelers and the Eagles have maintained a continuity of success. They know what the hell they’re doing. A smart free agency grab and fantastic coaching can certainly reap rewards if added to an already existing base of solid footballing. The Jets nabbing Curtis Martin and rehabbing Vinny Testaverde into a Big Tuna 12-4 Super Bowl doorstep is but one recent example. But the draft is where you’ll land the bulk of your team’s core, and continually flubbing on first round after second round after third round pick takes the proverbial toll. Just to minimize the effect of this circle of hell upon the well-being of my psyche, only the first rounders since our rebirth:
1999 Tim Couch, passed on Donovan McNabb
2000 Courtney Brown, passed on Brian Urlacher
2001 Gerard Warren, passed on LaDainian Tomlinson
2002 William Green, passed on Ed Reed
2003 Jeff Faine, passed on Nmandi Asomugha
2004 Kellen Winslow, passed on Ben Roeth, er, Vince Wilfork
2005 Braylon Edwards, passed on DeMarcus Ware
2006 Kamerion Wimbley, passed on Jonathan Joseph
2007 Joe Thomas (YAY! AN ACTUAL PRO BOWLER!) Brady Quinn
2008 none, thanks to trading up to nab Clipboard Jesus
2009 Alex Mack, who, so far, seems to have been a worthy choice
What’s most damning by its absence? That’s right, a quality quarterback. It’s been pontificated upon so many times, even a talking hairpiece like Phil Simms is finally coming around: this is a passing league. The Saints, the Colts, the Patriots, the Chargers and yes, even the Steelers, when Big Ben isn’t trolling his bell, can chuck the pigskin around something fierce. You don’t have to throw for 5000 yards and 40 touchdowns, but you have to be productive, efficient and churn out first downs and the occasional big gainer.
Of course, no one hits on their first rounders every year. Except former Brown Ozzie Newsome, currently employed by the former Browns who won The Fucking Super Bowl (ironically by being about as old school as one can get) in January 2001. I’m not bitter.
My recurring nightmare
The Walrus, Latest Browns Mastermind #27, has a far better track record coaching than shopping for players, but he has demonstrated a knack for unearthing nuggets of that most important of positions, all but invisible here since the heady days of Bernie Kosar; witness fifth-rounder Mark Brunell and sixth-rounder Matt Hasselbeck, both eventual Pro Bowlers. Thus, to borrow some crap from the last billion-dollar American Idol fest of 2008, there’s hope, hope that might lead to change. Or another string of double-digit defeats. Either way, I’m good.
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MM, thanks for having me on board. I just hope no one expects highbrow, statistical expertise as there are far smarter folks than I doing so in the Stevens tubes. I’m just going to throw crap on the wall and hope some of it sticks.
osori, Don Cockroft and Sam Rutigliano. I even had the 12 of a Cleveland Browns Christmas 45. And of course, Alzado winning a ring with you guys a few years later, grumble, etc.
But don’t sell yourselves short, Big Al still sports those stylin’ track suits and Heyward-Bey might set an unofficial record for drops in one season.
FD, funny, I feel the same way about cricket. You shouldn’t name your pastimes after insects and c’mon, rugby is nothing but a glorified drunken hooligan scrum. Now the beautiful game, that’s beautiful.
holte, the only way Aston’s man will nab us a ring is if he manages to get between 30 and 40 percent of the league, including all the quarterbacks, Roethlisbergerized.
demeur, yeah yeah, and then some yokel invariably brings up Tampa Bay. But if LeBron & Co. deliver this June, tears of joy. I’ll be crying like Boehner.
will, osori beat me to the punch. Bad enough we’ve got gun-toting maniacs on the team.
3stp, the helmet’s orange. But I like their uniform, it’s distinctive. Look at what Denver did. Had classy looking duds, then in 1997 decided to have the appearance of an arena league team. Though for the coolest threads, no contest. Osori’s squad is number one.
BHH, hey, it’s only one column. I could meet my watery grave by May.
On Tim Brown, completely, totally, ridiculously underrated receiver who played with a steady stream of mediocrity for years until the Gruden/Gannon renaissance. Brown was a beast.
Oso, did you ever see Spiller return a punt for Clemson? Yeah, he can score from the field. Hell, I even think he threw for a touchdown this year.
Will,
I remember when Tim Brown first came to the Raiders. He was like that, could score from anywhere on the field. Every time he touched the ball we felt he’d take it all the way in. Blew out his knee the end of his rookie season, and even though his will and natural ability still took him to a HOF career-he no longer had that extra something when he came back.
About time they got a decent sports guy, the last guy didn’t know squat. I hope MadMike fired him.
BigHarryH,
Mike would never fire one of the writers here.Wouldn’t be morally right and smacks of censorship.
When consensus indicates one of us is no longer funny or entertaining, or is just getting a little long in the tooth – Mike takes him out back and quietly drowns him in the river.
Actually I did fire him. I thought Randal was a much better choice for our Main Sports Man 🙂
Cleveland will never be any good until they change their name from the Browns to the Dawgs and get rid of that stupid brown helmet.
I’m definitely not a draft expert, but, I’m telling you, whoever ends up with C.J. Spiller, they’re more than likely going to be happy with him. That frigging guy is a threat to score from the frigging locker room. I’m serious.
Will,
but can he score from the field?
Randal fear not the law of averages will in the long run catch up to the Browns as well. You may or may not recall that the Steelers lost for 25 straight years before seeing even an inkling of victory. Imagine being a kid growing up in that town. At least there was Broadway Joe and the Jets to watch back then.
But imagine now having Ben at the helm going against his old team. No greater glory there than some Roman conquest I say.
Well, hells bells and buckets of mud, what are you doing over here?
Don’t worry about the Cleveland Browns, the living God, Randy Lerner will win you a Superbowl, or at least beat the Steelers.
You’ll have to bare with me here as an Englishman. I’m trying to fathom out precisely what that peculiar game over there has to do with ‘sport’. Decidedly odd.
The British Lions Rugby Team once challenged the Superbowl winners (I’ve no idea who they were) to a ‘Two game’ competition. One Rugby and one American Football.
When the – I won’t say athletes – er…pussies? who won the Superbowl discovered they couldn’t wear ‘padding’ for the Rugby game, they declined.
Need I say more?
Randal,
I remember my shock at Mike Davis picking off Sipe in 81. Shock then screaming and bouncing around the room. I think your kicker had missed a couple field goals-can’t remember the coach, Italian guy. Dang I’m senile.
Look at us now, we’re the laughingstock of the NFL.
Hey just think, what if Paul Brown would have been Paul Martinez.Or Ludendorff. Or Ishimine. The Cleveland Ishimines, now there’s something to shake up the Dog Pound.
I was never a foot-head, at least until last year’s Super Bowl, when I was urged by blog buddies to watch the game. I loved it, but I always love the underdog. Same with BB….Anyway I read your article most closely and I am enjoying the education. Thanks man!