The (English) Empire Strikes Back : Just Capital Chaps
Read Time:4 Minute, 10 Second
I have received instructions from our illustrious leader to stop using capital letters in my post titles.
I will immediately comply.
A) Because I like him (and it’s his blog)
B) Because he has many guns.
Sorted.
I have now to make sure I do all that ‘taggy’ stuff – I have little idea but will attempt it in a minute when I finish waffling.
There are also some initials…SOR? …er…RSO? Hang on while I check the mail again…
SEO! That’s it. No idea. I will do this SEO thingamibob as well.
See? I’m not really the idiot you thought I was.
Well, I might be but I do try.
Look people of America, when you’ve spent your formative years surrounded by sheep and Matriarchal Northern English women and a brief moment of your later years being almost shot by robbers at Heathrow you are not always quite the ticket.
On February 6th, 2004 at precisely 8 minutes past 11pm (I was actually looking at the office clock), a robber put a gun to my head and pulled the trigger.
He did so as, being a mouthy union rep, I dared to speak out when he pistol whipped my Co-Ordinator.
The robber – in a flesh coloured mask – slammed me into the office wall, put the gun to my temple and said “Mouthy people don’t see the end of this.”
He then pulled the trigger. I have no knowledge of guns what so ever. The barrel? (front bit) slammed into my temple and…well…nothing happened.
The gun jammed – well, it was obvious something went wrong as I’m sitting here typing. I am proud to say I didn’t wet myself…I just thought ‘Do I hit him now?’….
The Warehouse Co-ordinator (mine being The Office Co-ordinator) witnessed this attempt to shoot me in the head and said, loudly, “Fuck this!” and ran away.
My (almost) killer then went after him, cleared his jammed gun and opened fire.
The warehouse Co-ordinator ended up with a friction burn on his neck from the slipstream of a bullitt.
I refused to get involved with the police investigation – it’s too long a story to tell here – but, after three trials costing millions they became the first criminal gang in 300 years to be finally tried without a jury – they’d ‘nobbled’ the previous three.
Apart from the three sentenced the rest ‘got away with it’. Indeed, the money has never been recovered.
You know what really hurt?
My best mate was the ‘inside man’. I’d actually ‘got him off’ a disciplinary hearing at 6:30 that night. “Thanks Dinners” he said, “I owe you one mate”. He then came back with a load of blokes with guns – cheers mate.
The bloke who tried to kill me?
He was a friend of a friend. He’d actually drank with me in a pub.
My faith in human nature took a bad beating when I realised people I knew and had even helped would kill me for money that wasn’t even mine – Christ! I’d have helped them load it into their getaway car before I’d have bothered to try and stop them!
Mind you, they had no ‘getaway car’. The driver lost his bottle and they ended up trying to phone a taxi…seriously!
If I actually told you the whole story – like the Heathrow Police couldn’t find our cargo shed and the Flying Squad chief investigator retired shortly ahead of corruption charges and a robber with a machine gun couldn’t remember how to fire it (thankfully) and the most compensation I could get for my union members was £1500 for being pistol whipped and my family were threatened if I gave evidence (which I knew would happen so I’d already told the cops I’d be a ‘hostile witness’) and the cops said ‘You should do your duty!’ and didn’t like me saying “Fuck you!”….
Anyroad. No capitals…..tags…..SEO….
No worries.
So there you go.
I can be erratic sometimes. It was a long time ago. It isn’t an excuse. It’s just…maybe…why my head goes now and again.
Mind you…when your then 17 year old daughter has to have a spinal operation that ‘takes away’ her top gymnastics career you sort of think ‘fuck the robbery’ this is even worse and she’s handled what happened to her brilliantly. Maybe I haven’t.
Actually, albeit it may be a slightly long post, I may tell you the full tale of the robbery one day. You won’t believe much of it but it will make you laugh out loud.
In fact, I’ll make it my Sunday post.
If you’d like the news story it’s here….
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/london/8597298.stm
and here….
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/article1014977.ece
G’nite from England……
…right….tags…er…Seo’s…er….oh eck….I think I’ve done it right old bean…er…I hope….
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fourdinners,
Great tale, and my sympathy on your daughter’s surgery costing her gymnastics career but I hope she is otherwise healthy and well.
Guns are scary things. I was in a similar situation thru no fault of my own. It’s terrifying.
SEO Speedwagon, I think they opened for the J. Geils Band once.
That’s the craziest damn nonfiction I’ve read in awhile. Bloody chuffed (is that right?) that the wanker’s gun decided to take a siesta. Fucking yikes.
I just read the links – my God! A harrowing tale! I don’t know how you’ve managed to keep a keen sense of humor after all that. I was going to say keep your sanity but I’m not sure about the status of you sanity before the robbery.
It really isn’t such a brilliant plan to mouth off to someone holding a gun to your head – although, I suppose it would make a little more sense if you thought, “Bugger it, he’s probably going to kill me anyway so I’ll just give him a piece of my mind before he splatters my brain.”
You know, the UK has some of the toughest gun laws in the world and still the criminals get their hands on guns. Here in North Carolina with our “make my day” gun laws, not only can I keep guns I can use them on anyone who attempts to break into my house or comes on my property to threaten me. Needless to say,we don’t have too many break ins around here.
Glad you made it and so glad they’re going to jail.
Holy shit. That must have been terrifying. Thank goodness the gun jammed. On such little accidents do great matters turn.
Always know that your presence here is valued (and that you aren’t the only one who’s at sea with a lot of this techno stuff).
I’ve been checking around the internet for election results — looks like the Tories are doing well, imaginary Bangladeshis notwitstanding. The only question is whether they’ll get an absolute majority.
A techno question for Mad Mike — since the wording “Please make sure you have read our Comment Policy” appears above the comment box, is there ever actually going to be a comment policy? The proffered link leads to a pristinely comment-policy-free page.
The dumb-ass probably didn’t know you have to put bullets in a gun to make it go bang. Lucky you and don’t forget the SEO 🙂 🙂
OK Numbus Nuttus…It’s a good start. You did your tags and you ALMOST did the SEO properly. You see the place that says TITLE? That is where you put your TITLE, not in the description. I, being a man of infinite patience, has fixed it for you.
I like you too 🙂 🙂