Jesus ‘n me
Read Time:4 Minute, 2 Second
I don’t know why he’s so famous but it don’t bother me none. Seems like anywheres you go sooner or later someone brings him up. Jesus. They act like they know all about him but they don’t know nothin’. For one thing, all them pictures you see don’t look a thing like him. Jesus couldn’t grow a beard if you put a gun to his head. Hell you could threaten to crucify him and he couldn’t grow a beard. How do I know so much about him ? He’s my cousin.
That’s Jesus on the right, hugging that old dog. Got no clue who the dog belonged to, he just showed up that day Little Lily took the pic of us. Me, Jesus and the old dog. Little Lily wasn’t little at all she was bigger than her mother but her mother was Big Lily so she was Little Lily. If it looks like I’m doing some kinda metaphysical sign language that ain’t it at all, my hair was halfways to my waist and I had a habit of lifting my hands up to hook the thumbs under my hair then I’d push it back over my shoulders.
Lotta times I hear people talkin’ or writing about his teachings and all this amazing shit he did. Hey my cousin stayed outta trouble and he always found a way to put food on the table which ain’t bad for a guy born and raised in the varrio but it ain’t like Jesus was out working miracles y’know?
Although……………..
It was back in the early 70’s. Debauched blowout in the desert at Big Manuel’s place out near Indio. Straight-shooters drunk off their asses, ghetto rezdog types high on whatever and hippie types full of LSD. General hedonistic merriment. The following afternoon there were fifty or more people desperately hungry but too wasted and unsavory looking to hazard a trip to the nearest town for something to eat. The refrigerator was humming reassuringly but upon opening divulged no contents. Jesus found a small loaf of sourdough bread and a can of tuna so he and I commenced to making sandwiches. Sandwich after sandwich till all fifty wasted unsavory people had eaten their fill and there still was enough tuna left over to fill a tupperware container with what seemed to be hella more tuna than the original can had contained. Weird. Never figured that one out.
I remember a young kid, White kid approached me one day and asked me if I’d accept Jesus into my life as my personal savior. He pronounced the name Gee-Zuss but I knew who he meant and I didn’t really think on how the kid could tell Jesus and I were tight – seemed to happen a lot – but I thought back on all the times my cousin had saved my stupid drunken falling in love and wanting to marry any woman who was nice to me half-breed ass, so I told the kid “Sure why not” and the kid gave me a wrist band that had WWJD wrote on it. I asked what it meant and he told me it was What Would Gee-Zuss Do and I told him didn’t you say you knew Jesus ? Cause if you know the dude you know what the answer to your question is-he’d light up a joint and share it with whoever’s around. Kid snatched the wristband back. S’okay with me I didn’t need one nohow.
Lotta people don’t like Jesus. Don’t know why. Atheists always got it in for him. Funny thing is, Jesus used to be an atheist for years till he had kids and started getting old. We talk about it sometimes. Closer you get to death, the closer you get to God. Some of us anyways. His problem was them nuns, some of ’em mean-ass bitches always slapping him and shit. Least that’s what he says. I didn’t go to no Catholic school. He might a been asking for it, telling them nuns his name ain’t Gee-Zuss it’s Hay-Soos. Nuns seemed to got it in for Jesus worse than the damn atheists.
Poor families barely had shoes but put their kids in Catholic school and those uniforms cost money big-time, ‘specially if you had sixteen kids like some families. The stuff those atheists talk about, Jesus and all his awful followers-it just don’t make no sense. Only followers he has are his sons, they’re all good kids and pretty much the only following they do these days is followin’ him to the Dodger games. All that bad shit said about him, I don’t know. There’s another Jesus I remember from back in the day, used to live in the old projects near Sears downtown, Estrada Courts ? Might be him if he’s still around.
Happy
0 %
Sad
0 %
Excited
0 %
Sleepy
0 %
Angry
0 %
Surprise
0 %
0
0
You reminded me of an episode of Star Trek where Picard says we “must anticipate and not make the same mistake once.”
The reason: For me, reading this was dipping back in time. When you posted it, it was current in your mind, I assume.
It is awesome! You are a really unique writer on MMA.
LOL That was great! All you need is a VW van and you’d look like all my parent’s friends. I always loved the idea of Jesus the hippie getting high and spinning those parables nobody understood. He’d be finding tiny cosmic universes under his fingernails too!
Most atheists I know have no problems with Jesus the man- it’s his whack-a-doodle followers we can’t stand. As a preacher of peace and love and charity to the poor, I find most of his followers a bit deficient in their attention to his message. Maybe if hemp was a sacrament…
Thanks! And you’re right, they do seem to lose track of the message in their verve to condemn “non-believers” and to push their hypocrisy on people.
Worst of all though, they aren’t Dodger fans like Jesus is!
Damn Oso. And all this time I thought you were him. Well I am glad you finally clear that up though I am a bit disappointed.
I have a nephew named Jesus…poor kid, he’s wacko…
Like with us, the “wacko” may be be a pre-existing condition.
Sarah Silverman: “Jesus is magic. He turned water into wine and made the Statue of Liberty disappear in the ’80s.”
Come on, Oso! He’s not the Jesus folks are talking about! They mean the baseball player. 😉
I was thinking of a mechanic I know. Mighty fine mechanic, Jesus. I seem to recall him turning water into rad fluid.
Hi TC!
I didn’t think of that man, of course. It all makes sense now!
BTW, don’t let my sneer mislead you into thinking I didn’t catch and appreciate the humor. As a retired hippie I always felt Jesus was himself a hippie. My favorite uncle, an otherwise liberal and scholarly man, but a convert to Catholicism, nearly went ballistic when I showed him a drawing representing Jesus as a hippie. Thought I was going to have to give the poor guy CPR.
Leslie I think you’re right about historical Jesus and hippiedom.
You mention being a retied hippie-how’s the pension plan?
The Lord works in mysterious ways, but you would know that, Oso, having a friend in Hezus. That was a funny post.
Thanks Collin!
See, now this Jesus I could so get behind and not trouble myself about following him or his main apostle Oso.
I wish the pic was better. He once proposed marriage to 27 women and a dog (not the dog in the pic, Jesus didn’t confine himself to a one species just to one sex) when we were all drunk. Fortunately all turned him down.
You guys look like the pics I have seen of dad in his Peace Corps days, bellbottom jeans and long assed hair. I’m certain he did that pushing the hair behind the ears also, as long as his hair was. There are times I think I was born way too late. I would have fit right in during the 60s hippie hey days.
The ones who don’t know Jack-s*** about Jesus are the ones who hang velvet pictures of him on their walls so they can watch his eyes follow them as they walk around the room. Oh yes – and they wear rhinestone Jesus pins.
Damn pot-smoking, patchouli-smelling hippies!
Randal, you say this like it is a bad thing 🙂 Maybe I need to send you some of my latest bud, you will be seeing Jesus and God at the same time.
Haaa Ha Ha ha
Being lazy I’d like Jesus. We could do some hanging around together…;-)