Keep Death Off The Roads
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‘Keep death off the roads’ was a slogan in the UK many years ago.
I have no idea what it was connected to – drink driving?…quite possibly.
Still. Back then they didn’t have Four Dinners on the road as a driving instructor.
My new career is continuing apace.
I am cheerfully teaching various people of all ages, sex, ethnic origin, political persuasion, nationality et al to drive safely on the roads of The United Kingdom.
“One hand on the wheel dear…keep your left hand for holding the glass of vodka…”…;-)
My opening line to all novice pupils is this.
“Please do exactly as I say or we will die”
It seems to have the desired effect.
The look of terror on a 17 year olds face as I guide them into a busy road is a picture that is priceless!
“Now look” I say, “I may be in my 50’s but I’m not ready to get killed. Are you?”
They glance at me nervously…
“You’re joking right?” they often say.
“Not at all” I reply, “You’re life is my hands. Both our lives are in my hands. If I decide I don’t like you you’re toast. Not a problem to me – I just sit in my garden in the sun claiming ‘whiplash’ and getting paid. You, on the other hand, have been decapitated by that bus that will hit your side of the car. So, on those grounds, you will obey my instructions?”
Everyone, without exception says “YES!”
I LOVE this job.
I should have done this years ago. Absolute power! God I’m so ready to be corrupted!…;-)
I spend my days terrifying the life out of kids (mainly kids but not entirely..I also have mature students) and getting paid for it – and they also learn how to drive without killing old ladies on pedestrian crossings which – up to a point – is probably a good thing.
“Should I brake?” asked a young student as we approached a pedestrian crossing with an elderly man crossing with the assistance of a zimmer frame.
“No” I answered (covering my dual control brake I hasten to add).
“Why?” asked the student driver innocently.
“He’s lived long enough” I replied with an evil grin.
I cannot believe that he actually thought I WAS BEING SERIOUS!!!
He did. He actually told his parents that his instructor (me) was quite happy to let him run over an old man.
I arrived for his next lesson and his father appeared.
“I like you” he said, “That sort of attitude will reduce our pension deficit”
He meant it. God above! He meant it.
I am teaching the children of the deranged to drive cars that will become ‘killing machines’.
I LOVE this job.
I might, possibly, be slightly mad….;-)
Lets’ be careful out there – especially if one of my students is driving around near you….if so, you are clearly toast!
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You are far braver than I am. I need a valium just to be driven through a big city. I can’t imagine the horror of having a kid drive me about in one. Having my own set of brakes and a hip flask might help though.
And a tank of nitrous oxide to huff.
Reminds me of a non sequitur I saw on ‘Family Guy’:
A snail is riding on the back of a turtle, who is dragging along, at which point the snail yells:
“SLOW DOWN, I WANT TO GET THERE, BUT I WANT TO GET THERE ALIVE!!!”
No online clip available.
Nighty, nite 4D.
-SJ
hic…howdo rockync…just got up for a pee…too much information..;-)
I would twat my students around the head but…for some strange reason…every student my company (I’m franchising) gets me is female…also generally very young…
I am performing…in a manner of speaking…above and beyond the call of duty here…
17 / 18 up to 23 or so and, as it’s very hot over here they all keep wearing short skirts!!!
Good grief!!! I’m only human!!!
Still…in the land of the perverts the driving instructor is King…
I think I’d better shut up and go back to bed…
TAXI!!!!
…;-)
nite again America…..
I love your driver’s ed stories! Too funny. I had four sons and got stuck teaching them all to drive (also got stuck giving each of them a box of condoms and the sex talk but that’s another story).
When the boys get together to compare notes they usually ask each other, “How many times did she smack you in the head?” That was MY teaching style, if they did not follow my instruction to the letter I smacked them upside the head. Very effective in getting their attention although I would not recommend using this method on unrelated driving students…
[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Matthew Seethor, Four Dinners. Four Dinners said: Keep Death Off The Roads http://bit.ly/9hyHfE […]
er…well…generally speaking…mind you…my latest student, Lucia, from Slovakia apparently, keeps mistaking bits of me for the gear stick…
…am I complaining???????????…she’ll pass for sure. Not necessarily her driving test but she will pass…..
…oh all those wasted years!!!!!!
I’m so so glad the wifey doesn’t tune in…;-)
…hic…beddy byes…gone midnight here and I have to get up and teach…no more voddy Dinners…be good…
nite America and look after yourselves you lovely lovely country….xxx
I’d forgotten that in a British car the driver’s left hand would be the hand nearest the driving instructor. Thus I assume you are merely having them hold your glass for you.
Lawyer…I may be one day!!!!
Infidel…absolutely not!!!! I have a flask in my hip pocket…purely for medicinal purposes I hasten to add…I often need to recover from ‘near death’ experiences…;-)
…Question is…am I joking?…;-)
Absolute power! God I’m so ready to be corrupted!
And you let them keep the glass of vodka for themselves?:-)
Great expose. I love hearing what people really think about what they do for a living. Thank God you are not a judge.