What if Obama coached the Saints in the Super Bowl?

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The New Orleans Saints had borne the brunt of misfortune for most of their 43 years, having won but a single playoff game in all that time. They also figuratively carried the hopes of the people of Louisiana on their backs after the disaster of Katrina drove them from New Orleans. So when president Barack Obama offered to coach the team’s first-ever Super Bowl appearance owner Tom Benson was understandably ecstatic. The hope and the audacity that Obama would bring effectively guaranteed the beleaguered city and team victory in SB XLIV.

In his pregame interview Obama promised to open up both the offense and defense. ” Make no mistake, we will pass and we will pass often. We will utilize spread formations at every opportunity” thundered the POTUS. When questioned about the Saints passive and weak defensive efforts the president stood tall. “If there’s one thing that united Saints fans it was the Prevent Defense. I hated it. You hated it. It was about as popular as root canal. But it was necessary to protect your end zone. Not any more. We will blitz and stunt and play man defense. Aggressive defense is the key to victory”.

Anderson Cooper and Nancy Pelosi were doing play-by-play and analysis, respectively, in the ABC broadcast booth with former New Orleans linebacker and hall-of-famer Rickey Jackson providing color commentary.

Downing the opening kickoff in the end zone, the Colts had the ball on their 20-yard line with New Orleans immediately going into a deep zone defense while rushing only one lineman, 440 lb 50 year old William (Refrigerator) Perry. The Colts quickly moved down the field and scored the games first touchdown.

“What the hell? What the hell are they doing?” shouted Rickey Jackson. “Why are they already in a prevent? What the hell is Perry doing in a uniform”.

Anderson focused his piercing blue eyes on Jackson “It’s called strategy, Rickey. You may have heard the term. And it’s sweeping. The most sweeping defensive effort since the New Deal”.

Pelosi also focused on Jackson “Timmy Geithner suggested Perry. He’s deeply in debt to Goldman-Sachs and is thus an example to sports fans everywhere. No matter how old, fat or deeply in debt you are-you still could play in a super bowl so keep borrowing and spending!”

Indianapolis attempts an on-sides kick but Saints receiver Marques Colston recovers the ball. Saints ball, first and ten at the Colt 40 yard line. “This is what I’ve been waiting all my life for” exults Jackson.

Coach Obama then calls for 3 consecutive off-tackle runs and a punt, whereupon Indianapolis takes possession at it’s own 20 and promptly marches downfield for its second TD as the Saints again drop into a deep zone and fail to rush anyone but the sleepwalking Perry.

Halftime score, 42-0 in favor of the designated home team Indianapolis Colts. Rickey Jackson has been sedated and bound to his chair.

ESPN’s Michele Tafoya interviews coach Obama at halftime:

“Coach, you said you’d open up both the offense and defense yet your conservative play-calling on both sides of the ball has observers wondering if you really want to win this game!”

Gazing over Tafoya’s head at the teleprompter Obama expresses his anger at the lopsided score. “I did not offer to coach this team to help out a bunch of Fat-Cat linemen on the Indianapolis Colts. Our fans are puzzled as to the lopsided half-time score. Well, let’s see. Those guys are drawing huge salaries over there, and they’ve caused this problem”.

“But coach, your defense’s timidity is allowing them to rip off huge chunks of yardage on every play. And your offense…I mean, you have yet to throw a single forward pass!” rips Tafoya.

“Unfortunately the Colts coaches won’t even allow our offense to move the ball. And if this obstruction continues Saints players may lose their positions. Kickers and running backs may end up in Atlanta” laments the POTUS.

In the booth both unbound announcers are almost giddy.

“Nancy would it be unprofessional to say – I’m stoked?” grins Cooper.

“Not at all, Anderson. This is the most sweeping, historic offensive and defensive effort by a coaching president since, well, ever!” gushes pelosi. “The only negative, sad to say, is a few unruly Saints fans unhappy with the games progress”.

Anderson nods.“He’s only been coaching the first half. Give him time, for Pete’s sake. Do they think he’s Superman?”


“Oh but they loved him at the pre-game, didn’t they Anderson”
she mutters. “It’s easy at the pre-game with all the speeches. But once the game starts oh no, they expect EFFORT from their coach. They expect him to coach as if he wants to WIN! And when he chooses to do absolutely nothing but make speeches and then blame the other team – they TURN on him. They turn like Harry Reid exposed to daylight!”

Cooper shakes his head “It’s the radical progressive Saints fans, Nancy. They want it all. They’re not satisfied with half-hearted window dressing. They’re not satisfied with a token effort. They don’t realize when a teams badly outnumbered you can’t play balls to the wall. Like the plucky underdog Wehrmacht against Polish might in WWll-you can’t be perfect”.

Pelosi, awestruck at this wisdom simply mouths ” Exactly”, her eyes widening as she hears a crashing noise behind her.

Rickey Jackson has torn off his bindings and stood up.

“Stoked? Sweeping and historic ? Unruly fans? Obama hasn’t thrown a dang pass all game. Are you people crazy? The Colts are playing offense and defense-like they’re expected to do and like we oughtta be doing. You botox-faced bitch, have you ever even seen a football game before? And you, Cooper, you arrogant twit-the Wehrmacht wasn’t the underdog-if you choose to use such a term-in WWll, they were a massive favorite. Much like my Saints-we had the number one offense in the league and the number three defense!”

Pelosi catches a security guards eye and whispers “Taser”,smiling sweetly.

A thumping noise of a 230-lb body hitting the floor as Cooper and Pelosi are joined by local media and Democratic party officials in a chant of “Sweeping and historic” as unruly Saints fans toss drinks at them and vow to never vote again.

About Post Author

Carol Bell

Carol is a graduate of the University of Alabama. Her passion is journalism and it shows. Carol is our unpaid, but very efficient, administrative secretary.
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13 years ago

What if the Superbowl Champs played the British Lions Rugby Team. One game of American Football and 1 game of rugby.

Oh…yeah…they turned the Lions down when they found they couldn’t wear padding for the rugby game…

…pussies…;-)

osori
Reply to  fourdinners
13 years ago

fourdinners I don’t know how those guys can do it, slam into each other like that. Rugby has to be the toughest sport on earth.

Reply to  osori
13 years ago

Asking the British Lions to play American Football, or any NFL team to play Rugby would be like asking Tiger Woods to be at the top of the batting order for the Yankees, in other words, pure fiction.

13 years ago

Brilliant! Stunningly brilliant!

Bravo!

Encore!

lazersedge
13 years ago

OK Oso, I’m confused. Were those off tackle plays to the right or to the left? Surely they were to the left. Or do I have to take the man back to the tree?

osori
Reply to  lazersedge
13 years ago

LOL knowing the owners political persuasion I’m guessing they were to the right!

Admin
13 years ago

Obama 2012!!! 🙂

osori
Reply to  Professor Mike
13 years ago

Ah well I try man.

Reply to  osori
13 years ago

…and that is why I have such a great care for you my friend.

13 years ago

Are you sure you’re not an engineer Oso?

osori
Reply to  Gwendolyn H. Barry
13 years ago

Nope I’m only a HS graduate cause they needed the seat.

Reply to  osori
13 years ago

autodidact, eh?

osori
Reply to  Gwendolyn H. Barry
13 years ago

You’re saying I’m a pterodactyl ?

Reply to  osori
13 years ago

LOL LOL!

13 years ago

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13 years ago

What if Obama was commander of a flight to the moon and circumstances beyond anyone’s control created a situation were they had to make a silk purse out of a sows ear to survive, and the purse they made was only made of nylon. Reality is a Southern Baptist (SoB) this is were we are right now at this moment in time, no dreams, no fantasies, nothing but reality.

Mycue
13 years ago

Oso,
What if the Republicans coached the Saints. I think it would go something like this: They would get rid of all of the atheists on the team, because of course they couldn’t have any non believers. Then they would get rid of all the hispanics, because they might be in the country illegally. Then they would get rid of all the African Americans, because they might have gotten there through some kind of affirmative action. Then they would get rid of anyone who is pro-choice or believes in gay rights, because that kind of thinking might undermine the morale in the locker room. Leaving them with Drew Brees against the entire Colts team. The final score would be 274-2. Brees would actually score on a drop kick after recovering a fumble near goal line.

osori
Reply to  Mycue
13 years ago

Mycue,
Thank you for reading. Your use of humor in your response shows me that while my views may be frustrating to you, there is an understanding (if not an acceptance) of my own frustration.

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