The British Empire From When It Counted aka The Birth Of Four Dinners In 1957
Read Time:2 Minute, 55 Second
Despite rumours to the contrary I was born in the same way that all babies are born.
Whilst I have no recollection of the event I can, hopefully, guarentee that my father – whoever he is – did not piss on a wall and the sun did not bring me out after said pissing against a wall.
So there.
Being born on December 22, 1957 it is perfectly clear that, had my mother – whoever she is – not shoved me out 3 days too soon it could have been the second coming and Jesus and Brian would have had some competition.
Still. Life’s a bitch eh?
Britains fortunes seemed to take a turn for the worse in 1957. This is a worry as it is the year of my birth and I have long held the decidedly paranoid view that my arrival into this world rather fucked up Britains interests.
I am fully aware that I am not really paranoid by the way…the bastards really have got it in for me.
Now, whilst The Suez Crisis was in 1956, it has to be remembered that, whoever my father was, he was actively engaged in shagging whoever my mother was, therefore, whilst my earlier existence as a sperm may not have tallied accurately with The Suez Crisis it is generally believed by me and my invisible friend that my influence on the fortunes of Great Britain had begun – merely by the possibility that my sperm might make it to the homebase…..that’s homebase as in the overy as opposed to Homebase the DIY store by the way….
In 1954 – quite probably before my father – who ever he was – was shagging my mother – who ever she was – Gamel Abdel Nasser came to power in Egypt following a revolution he had helped initiate a couple of years earlier.
He was keen to press ahead with plans to build a dam across The River Nile but Britain and America decided not to lend him the money for it so he nationalized the Suez Canal instead.
Britain reacted hysterically – clearly aware that the Four Dinners sperm was wriggling its way to it’s mother’s (who ever she was) overy and chaos was en route.
The British government decided Nasser was Hitler – which was slightly odd as he was an Arab and Hitler, whilst clearly not quite as pure as he supposed, wasn’t.
Now nationalising the Suez Canal – which runs through Egypt and was, therefore, theirs to do with as they pleased – was no different to Britian nationalising the railways. Had Egypt owned 44 percent of Britains railways I think it unlikely that they would have invaded Swindon to take their share back.
Never the less, Britain invaded Egypt. Well..they didn’t actually…they had a quick word with Israel, got France on board, and Israel invaded Egypt.
President Eienhour…er…Eyesen…er….Eisenhower (why the hell can’t Americans have sensible names like Smith??) was a tad miffed as he’d been kept out of the loop.
Basically Eye…Ees…oh…him…whatever his name was…said “Stop now Britain” and we did.
Thus proving that in 1956 the tail did not wag the dog.
Mind you….Dinner’s still had 9 months and several other months before he was born.
It is all my fault world. I know it gets worse but what could I do?
Will I apologise for my sperm winning the race?
Get a life!
Nite America, and let’s be careful out there….
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Good read and great video.
fourdinners,
Sad to say,I must agree with your thesis-it’s all your fault that the sun set on the British Empire.
Excellent post and very interesting film. The British regarded the Suez as theirs also in the manner the US regards the Panama Canal as theirs. The idiotic rhetoric of Eden sure sounded like the type of stupid rhetoric we used about Saddam.
Just as the British overstayed their welcome,so have the Americans overstayed the welcome they received at Plymouth Rock!
During the Vietnam War, 60% of Indians thought the US should get out of Vietnam. 85% thought the US should get out of America!
Sleep well old bean!