The Lawyer and The Engineer: Exclusive interview with The Prince of Darkness

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A long time ago when the vestige of youth’s glow was still upon me, and taser technology was still in its infancy, I, The Lawyer, and my perpetually hungry friend, The Engineer, had decided enough was enough. It was a dark era in history. The earth was under the spell of ignorance, fear and greed, for which their seemed to be no remedy.

The Engineer and I made a pact to combat the forces of darkness that had the collective psyche under its trance. We started a blog. It was to be the blog of all blogs. We were destined to change the world, and all of our three followers agreed. Our followers were our respective spouses and some guy named, Ricardo. At the time, we had not a clue who in the fuck Ricardo was–but we would find out, much later.

Our stated mission: Drawing clarity from the opaque, shining light unto the darkness, confronting ignorance with brilliance, and strangling boredom with competent absurdity and critique of postmodern interpretive dance. We were the vaunted The Lawyer and The Engineer. I’m sure you have heard of us. We changed the world, for Christ’s sakes.

What follows is the first in a series of blog entries that shook the world to its foundations.

The Engineer and I were floored when our editors announced we had been contacted by Satan for the purpose of granting us an interview with him. Beyond our hardy throng of fans (all three of them) Old Scratch himself had been perusing our blog without us knowing it. Our editors said they understood if we declined to allow the Archfiend to use our forum as a means of spreading evil, but faithful to our mission to ‘shine light into darkness’ we were unanimous in our resolution to meet face-to-face with the Biblical figure and report on it.

The following day we were whisked off to an undisclosed location in a chartered Leer jet with its cabin windows shut. Three hours later we were ushered into a limousine, blind-folded. An hour later, when our blind-folds were removed, we found our selves seated in leather salon chairs joined by an elderly gentleman wearing a dark suit and a red tie. His face was obscured by shadow. The best we could tell is that he had a coif of well groomed white hair. Beyond where we sat it was too dark to make out the dimensions of the room we were in.

“Ah, gentlemen. I trust that the journey was comfortable. Thank you for coming. I’m kind of busy, so let’s get straight down to business, shall we? I trust that you have some questions prepared for me,” he said with a Mediterranean accent.

“Yes sir,” I piped up. “As a matter of formality, how should we address you? Lucifer, Beelzebub, Lord of Vermin, Auld Ane?”

“No, no,” he said waving his hand and chuckling. “Bob.”

“Bob?” The Engineer and I asked, visibly puzzled.

“Yes, Bob. I like the way it sounds. It’s short for Beast of Babylon.”

“Good enough,” I said. “Well, um, Bob–Are you a Yankees fan?”

“Most definitely.”

“Coke or Pepsi?” asked The Engineer.

“Pepsi,” Bob responded.

“A hypothetical for you,” said The Engineer. “You are in restaurant and order a bacon cheeseburger. The waitress asks if you want mustard or mayonnaise. Your answer is?”

“Mayonnaise,” Bob said without flinching. “Lots of mayonnaise. So much that with each bite it squirts and slides out the side of the burger.” The Engineer squirmed in his seat. My face contorted with a mixture of complete fear and disgust. Any doubts that we were still entertaining that we were sitting in the presence of total, and unrepentant, evil was expelled.

“What are your favorite television programs?” I asked.

“Oh, Project Runway, Dancing with the Stars–Tom Delay is great, don’t you think? And, let’s see, Martha Stewart, South Park, and well, just about everything on Fox News. Glenn Beck is simply poignant.”

“So, I take it that you are a Republican,” asked The Engineer.

“No. I’m a right-wing, born-again Christian.” He paused to see what affect that zinger had on us. Frankly, we were dumb-struck.

“A Christian?” I asked.

“No, not really–but I am pretending to be one. I know it sounds cynical, but in this day and time, it’s where I fit in best–deep in the bowels of the far right, Christian movement. It has always been my purpose to obfuscate, conceal, dissemble, stagnate and confuse, while halting progress and fostering fear. Evolution is God’s shtick, not mine. My goal is to keep things just the way they are, and if I’m lucky, drag them backwards. Devolution is my prime directive.

“It was in the eighties when I noticed these characters like Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, James Dobson and Oral Roberts, and thought, ‘Aphrodite’s twat, I need to get into that business.’ It was the perfect plan. Get the ‘speak’ right, hit all the hot buttons, and the true believers–poor gullible sots–will line up to give you what little money they have, and do and believe just about anything you tell them. You want to know where you are?”

We nodded.

Bob snapped his fingers and the lights came on. “Holy shit!” exclaimed The Engineer.

“What the fuck,” I announced. We were sitting in the middle of a large stage, below a mammoth cross, situated in the sanctuary/arena of a mega-church. Bob laughed maniacally.

“That’s right, I’m the right reverend pastor of this her little church,” Bob said with a perfect southern-preacher accent. Reverting back to his normal manner of speaking he said, “Mark my words: Under the cloak of Godliness I will bring as many into this fold as possible, preach hate, division, and fear. I will inculcate the notion that there is a ‘real’ America, and an ‘unreal’ America. I’ll teach my flock that the road to heaven is paved with abstinence-only sex education, home-schooling their children so that they will never learn science, art or to properly employ reason and logic. It will be their mandate to hate homosexuals, intellectuals and Democrats and everyone else that doesn’t think exactly the way I tell them to.

“I will take their minds, twist them, and plunge them in unimaginable darkness whilst they believe they are on the path of righteousness and redemption from their sins. They will feel like their way of life–the only way–is under siege by the non-believers and that a time will come very soon that Armageddon calls upon them to rise up and wage war and destruction against all sinners, and take this nation back, and replace The Constitution of the United States of America with Biblical Law, and have every living soul that does not repent and accept Jesus Christ as its savior put to death by stoning. It will be beautiful–the way my followers imagine that the fifties were. And then we’ll wait for the rapture, which will not happen, of course, and I’ll disappear leaving them rudderless in a sea of confusion.

“After having dragged humanity back to the dark ages, my minions and I will throw a party, get drunk, have some wild sex and take it easy for a while–relax and recharge the battery, so to speak. What do you think? Sounds good, huh? ”

“Why are you sharing this with us?” asked The Engineer.

“Well, it’s no fun if you can’t take some credit for an evil plan, is it? Anyhow, no one will believe this interview happened.”

“True enough,” I said. “Well, this has been enlightening. We need to get going–I have to get the yard mowed today. It is out of control.”

“Yip, I’ve got to get home to feed my koi. It’s been three days. They must be ravenous.”

“Wait, wait,” pleaded Bob. “Stay awhile. Can I get you something to drink–a Pepsi? A peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwich?”

“No, no,” I said standing up. “You’re too kind.”

“Very well, then. Thank you for coming,” he said . “Sarah,” he yelled. An attractively shaped brunette came out of the wings of the stage. “Please escort these gentlemen to the limousine.”

“You betchya, Bob.”

Join The Lawyer and The Engineer next week, when they meet face to face with Dick Cheney, engage in an interpretive dance with him, and almost get a face full of buck shot.

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C.H. McDermott

C.H. McDermott is a jack-nut doing what he loves best, which changes with each passing moment.
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13 years ago

[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Jennifer Jones, Pearl Jones. Pearl Jones said: Exclusive interview with The Prince of Darkness: “Oh, Project Runway, Dancing with the Stars–Tom Delay is great,… http://bit.ly/cjWjvJ […]

13 years ago

Sorry, I don’t understand.

You mentioned your co-writer, The Lawyer.

I thought that all lawyers have already met with BoB when they sold their souls, so why was he surprised?

Reply to  C.H. McDermott
13 years ago

Not really, C.H. McDermott.
I enjoyed your light hearted attempt at humour, but the lawer “soul”jibe just took less than 10 milliseconds. About the same time a Great White needs to bite, or a lawyer takes his fee.
Oh.
Wait.
You’re not a lawyer as well are you?

If so,
my deepest commiserations.

Reply to  C.H. McDermott
13 years ago

C.H. none of my comments were aimed at you personally, and while you may be a lovely, all round good guy, there is a perception, recognised around the world, that lawyers in general, and corporate lawyers in particular, epitomise greed and other immoral traits.
I’m a teacher, and we’re under constant attack form the media and government for not doing a better job. I’ll defend my professionalism and my teaching practices, but I know that some of my fellow teachers should have left teaching ages ago, because they’re burnt out, or were never any good in the first place. So I don’t let any general criticism of teachers, or the many teacher jokes in circulation get to me.
I did like your allusion to the difference or lack off, between the god-bothering bible thumpers and Old Nick (or BoB). The similar traits of narrow bigotry and ignorance seem to fit both sides, and I appreciate your efforts, although (and this is a purely literary criticism here) it may perhaps have been a tad shorter.

Reply to  Robert Douglas
13 years ago

I have this theory and bear with me as I try to explain it..

I have never understood why people don’t have more anger at engineers. Really when you think about it, some of the worst mishaps of society have been caused by engineers. Bridge falls down, think engineer. Building falls, that’s right…it’s an engineer. Oh, some may say that it was the pigeon poop or some other thing. But pigeons didn’t suddenly just start pooping. Rust suddenly just didn’t start happening. And those are just the structural engineers.

Don’t even get me started about software engineers. What other product with known defects like software can be sold and shipped? Hell, Windows gets updates about what…every 2 days now?

And here is the theory…the more that people think they know about a profession, the more that they will grumble about it. Most people think they know a little about medicine and doctors. More griping…

And everybody knows about the law because they watch the lawyers and cop shows on TV. Plus laws govern behavior and are the actual connection with the public. The public doesn’t connect the laws to the lawmakers just the soldiers in the field, the lawyers, that have to work with the laws.

Sure, everybody can cite an example of a sister’s cousin that got sued for painting their house the wrong color or someone stepping on a skateboard.

But the same can be made for any profession.

I could tell some stories about engineers that would make your toes curl and I’m sure that any doctor has the same to tell about some of his colleagues.

But I also can tell some facts about CH McDermott in particular that would make you think the only injustice is that he hasn’t been awarded several humanitarian awards for legal work that he has done for free.

People are people, mostly good, some bad. But that’s not lawyers, that’s life.

Reply to  Krell
13 years ago

When I hear the term ‘Pro Bono’ I don’t think of any other profession other than the Law. There are other professionals who donate time and expertise, I always got paid in my career for every minute.

osori
13 years ago

You confirmed some of the suspicions I’d entertained about televangelists.
Jess and Holte are right, Satan’s minion Dickie really is looking like hell these days.

13 years ago

“You betchya, Bob.”

Lovely punch line.

My youngest brother is named Bob and he was a little devil when he was a kid, kinda fits.

Nicely done.

Jess
13 years ago

Nice one. Oh you better get to getting Cheney soon for that interview you want. I’ve seen pictures of him recently and let’s just say….well- mom once told me if I have nothing nice to say I should not say anything. So, I’m not saying anything.

Reply to  Jess
13 years ago

Yes Jess, I saw Cheney last night on TV, and I am being nice when I say “he looked like death warmed up.” Lost a boat load of weight, he looked like crap.

Jess
Reply to  Holte Ender
13 years ago

Remember also, the old bastard has no pulse, so technically he is the walking dead. He has a pacemaker doing all that for him to stay alive. Now I feel I must stop because I could add to this and it would not be nice at all. I hate this man with the heat of a thousand suns, does not even begin to cover it in a minor way.

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