Coming to America
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Yes, it’s finally happening I’m going to be coming to America.
I’m so looking forward to it.
Think about all the cool things to see and do.
Of course, never have been in the states before, I’ll have to base my ideas of what I’ll be seeing on the omnipresent TV shows and Movies (as I believe you call Films over there)
I wonder how long it’ll be before I see my first shooting or drug deal. Based on what I’ve seen, probably about 5 minutes.
Then I can see the famed CSI teams at work, dressed in their glamorous gowns and high-heel shoes (Just the women. Probably)
My daughter is a fingerprint recovery technician in Scotland, and she’s asked me to watch how her American counterparts do this demanding work. She’s especially asked me to check on:
Do they really carry guns?
Are they really allowed to interview suspects?
Are they really allowed to attend autopsies?
Do they ever wear the horrible white anti-contamination gear, including masks visors and bootees?
Can they really get DNA results in less than 10 minutes?
How do they manage to match all fingerprints via a computer program (and act on it without a manual re-evaluation)?
How do they manage to check for blood evidence with Luminal, without degrading or contaminating the samples for further analysis?
How do they get so much money to equip their offices and laboratories, leaving them looking like hotels?
How do they manage to use 3D computer graphics for everything, without being connected to a Cray?
How do they produce 3D graphics on a transparent screen?
Why do their computers never crash, or freeze while Windows does an upgrade?
Why do they never look at porn?
Then of course I’ll wonder how I’ll recognise the Aliens. I’m not talking about furtive guys from Guatemala, but the lizards in human skin, the vampires, the werewolves and the thought and emotion eating blobs from Alpha Centauri.
Will I be able to stay away from Donald Trump?
Is his hairstyle infectious?
Is greed contagious?
Will I be able to recognise a common con man, who repeatedly rips off every person in sight, and will I be able to differentiate this nice guy from a Banker?
Will the police be as nice and friendly as those guys in The Shield?
Will I keep seeing Jack Bauer racing against time to save America. Again?
Will I see the giant digital clock that keeps haunting him?
How will I be able to differentiate between ghosts, demons and the other multitudinous spirit people and real Americans?
Will American beer be as bad as everyone says it is?
Will I be able to find out why so many people keep drinking it?
Then if I get the chance to visit the Mid-West, I’ll really be interested in:
Are all the inhabitants of these cute little towns real?
Is every inhabitant a raving born-again Christian who is terrified that the men in the black helicopters are coming to brainwash them (again), and who wishes termination with extreme prejudice for all non-American, non-Christian, non-his sect people of different skin colours, cultures, languages, sexual persuasion, clothes choice, political party, hair colour, eye colour and shoe size?
Or will they be real nutters?
Will I be able to speak to a real American?
Will I be able to understand his peculiar patois?
Mind you I’ll only be in the USA for 2 hours. while we transit to London from NZ.
But seeing as we’re going through that Hell on Earth known as LAX, all the above is possible.
If we survive the experience of the LAX security.
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Hi Krell,
thanks for the advice.
Is Samuel Adams a particularly good beer?
I look forward to the experience, especially as I’ll still have another 12 hours in a plane.
Tinfoil hats are cool.
You can have the most interesting conversations with them. Did you know Abraham Loncoln as a zombie?
I didn’t know about Grant Gillon. He was an MP before I rrived in NZ.
I have however heard of David Duke.
I think I prefer the sheep reference to “These Jews who run things, who are producing this mental illness – teenage suicide… all these Jewish sicknesses. That’s nothing new. The Talmud’s full of things like sex with boys and girls.”
Samuel Adams a good beer? I like it but beer like other things is in the eye of the beholder.
Tinfoil hats are cool. Especially when worn on that other head when going through the full body scanners.
David Duke’s quote was meant to deliver hate and I think that the Grant G. was aiming for humor. I suspect there are David Dukes in every country.
Robert, since you will only be at LAX for 2 hours, I suggest a nice meal with a good beer, something in the way of a Sam Adams.
Strike up a conversation with some people sitting next to you. Try to stay away from anyone wearing tin foil for a hat.
I think that you will find that Americans are just like most everybody else. Complete with worries and stresses, but willing to give a lending hand to just about anyone that comes their way.
Of course we do have our crazy politicans, just downright goofy. For instance one was quoted as saying..
“I want to ask the minister whether, no pun intended, it’s appropriate in this case for a woman’s body parts to be inserted into a sheep when that has normally been the domain of Tory males?”
Oh..wait a second, come to think of it…that was a NZ politician that said that. Grant Gillon I believe.
Nevermind.