From Mary Alice: How to make a fruitcake southern style

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Christmas is the time of year when all sorts of wonderful recipes are passed around.  My friend Christi from Paducah, KY suggests the following great fruitcake recipe discovered by her Aunt Vivian:

Ingredients

  • 10 undented cans of SPAM
  • 5 bags of those horrible little jellied fruits
  • 2 bags of those repulsive, unidentified nuts for texture
  • 1 box cheap, sticky brown cake mix
  • 8 tablespoons powdered Portland cement
  • 1 tube epoxy resin
  • 1 bag M&M’s

Directions

Using the little keys, carefully open SPAM cans, then treat bleeding fingers. CAREfully and properly dispose of SPAM (contact the EPA and Nuclear Regulatory Commission for detailed instructions and impact statements.) Microwave cans for 10 minutes to insure sterility; ignore the sparks and funny noises.

Replace microwave.

Combine jellied fruits and nuts in a large bowl and mix well. Prepare cake mix as close to instructions as is convenient, folding in cement, epoxy and fruit/nut mixture. QUICKLY fill SPAM cans with mixture and solder lids back on. Beautifully gift-wrap each can and mail to all those miserable, lazy ingrates who sent YOU fruitcakes last year. Discard contaminated dishes and utensils, sit on couch and eat entire bag of M&M’s in order of color preference.

CAUTION: DO NOT FEED AUNT VIV’S FRUITCAKE TO YOUR PETS…

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About Post Author

Mary Alice

I cook, clean, garden and am a general annoyance to all.
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BigHarryH
13 years ago

My wife reads this so, I’m keeping quiet.

Reply to  BigHarryH
13 years ago

What?
Your wife is Mary Alice? You poor bastard

or

Your wife alrady uses mary Alice’s recipe? You poor bastard

13 years ago

I like SPAM and I like fruitcake.

Deep fried SPAM fritters were a mainstay of my childhood. It was cheap, nutritious and fattening. In the UK in the 50s, NOBODY was trying to stay slim. The food shortages and the post-WWII rationing meant that weight-gain was good.

My wife makes the most amazing rich fruitcake, based on a Victorian recipe, and every family member fought over getting a piece. Only one favoured cousin used to get a small cake as a christmas present. He cried when we emigrated to NZ.

Thanks for the tip about the cans, we might try it to send some fruitcake back to the cousin in the UK.

13 years ago

You are worse than Dear Maddy and that is saying something.

lazersedge
13 years ago

That will work. Why not just barely crack open the Spam and leave sit for a few days to ripen, then solder the opening closed. Better yet, mix the spam in with the fruit, nuts, cake mix, and cement. What a wonderful aroma your cake will give off when opened.

You are a mean, nasty, straight razor toten’ woman.

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