Porridge – The Global Threat
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It was reported today that an amount of porridge was thrown at a referee officiating in a South African soccer match.
“South African premier league football leaders Orlando (Ed. I must be thick. I had always thought that Orlando was in sunny geriatric Florida, not deepest Africa) Pirates face possible sanctions and a heavy fine after a fan threw porridge at a match official at a match in Durban last month.
The Pirates are being charged with spectator misbehaviour and bringing the game into disrepute after one of their supporters lobbed a handful of stodgy porridge, which South Africans commonly eat with most meals, at the referee.
The incident came at the end of a comfortable away win for the Pirates.
In October last year, arch rivals Kaizer Chiefs were handed a suspended 500,000 rand ($72,630) fine after angry fans threw two plastic vuvuzelas and a cabbage onto the pitch during a cup tie to protest refereeing decisions.
The throwing of missiles onto the field by frustrated fans was a major problem in South African soccer for some time but has almost disappeared in recent years.”
Apart from the lethal glutinous density of the material, which, if thrown at a sufficient velocity, can cause permanent injury if not death, the aesthetic horror of being coated with this stuff merits the Death Penalty for the thrower.
Speaking as a Scot who was raised on the disgusting slop, I am of the opinion that the best thing you can do with the stodgy “food” is as follows.
- Measure out 1½ cups of rolled oatmeal
- Add 3 cups of cold water to the oatmeal in a pot.
- Add a pinch of salt.
- Bring carefully to the boil, stirring occasionally with a traditional wooden “spurtle”
- Remove the spurtle and clean using an industrial strength water blaster (CAUTION. Protective goggles should be worn)
- Allow the porridge to cool slightly and spoon, push and heave the “food” into a suitable bowl
- Add milk to taste, cream if preferred, and your sweetener of choice. (Granulated sugar, Demerara sugar, honey and maple syrup are considered by the porridge gourmets to be most suitable)
Then dump the whole disgusting mess down the nearest toilet, (at least 5 full flushes are required, and there is no guarantee that some coating will not remain on the porcelain/stainless steel bowl) ensuring that none of the material adheres to any portion of your anatomy, or you may have to utilise the aforesaid water blaster to remove the glop, and this can smart on delicate skin.
Throw the pot and any bowls in the garbage; trying to remove any of the now set adhesive is pointless.
(Historical Fact. Porridge, in a much diluted form was used in Scotland as wallpaper paste, and everyone agreed it was eminently suitable for the task. The only complaint was from demolition workers in the 20th Century, who found that walls coated with this type of adhesive were invulnerable to sledgehammers, demolition balls of less than 10 tons weight and dynamite charges of less than 5 pounds)
Take my advice. Ban this material before certain factions develop it into some sort of WMD.
We could of course force-feed it to the Tea party loonies of Westboro. That’d slow the bigoted foul mouthed god-botherers down.
But on second thoughts, it’s too disgusting even for them.
Just.
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I grew up with porridge with demerara sugar. After a few years wouldn’t touch it, after eating it 7 days a week for years it’s understandable. Recently gone back to it.
I used to love porridge. When I lived in the UK as a boy it was the standard breakfast. My mom would put the brown sugar on it, with the occasional, and when available, strawberry or blueberry. Lots of fond memories there Robert. Thanks for taking me back to a place of warmth.
LOL!!!
I prefer to eat it with brown sugar, then dump it into the nearest toilet via my now unbelievably scoured intestinal tract. My father feels it is the next best thing to heaven, as it can be made into a watery pasty gruel that he can slurp up sans dentures.
You must wash any prep pans immediately, or risk using the power washer on them later.
I have heard that oatmeal is a principal component of haggis, which, next to lutefisk, has to be the most disgusting national meal of all time.
Thanks MH, but I must defend haggis. Contrary to most belief, haggis is NOT cooked sheep’s stomach, or cooked guts wrapped in a sheep’s stomach or bladder. It is simply an offal and oatmeal sausage, highly spiced (peppery) and contained in a normal commercially produced sausage-type skin (made of collagen). Mixed with creamed potatoes and boiled, mashed and buttery swede, it’s delicious. Especially with a whisky chaser.
BTW Did you know that ALL commercial sausage skins are made from enzyme-digested waste cow skin, which is reduced to a yellow plastic goop before being processed into the sausage skin we all take for granted? And don’t get me started on the actual contents of most sausages. I worked for many years selling specialised chemicals and cryogens to the food industry. I haven’t eaten a commercialy produced sausage since.