Here comes Jesus: Only 3 more shopping days to the Rapture

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Time is running out.  Make sure to stock up on your canned goods, lots of candles, gallons of water, and of course your loyal pets.  You see Jesus, in his merciful greatness, is coming for a visit, and while he’s here he’s going to do the whole havoc wreaking thing, unless you’re saved of course, in which case you’ll be headed to heaven, perhaps naked, depending on who you talk to these days.

Well,  every cloud has a silver lining, even if Jesus isn’t hanging out in it, as evidenced by the brilliant analysis of Bart B. Van Bockstaele:

This is a marvellous opportunity to do some science. The website of Family Radio says that Judgment Day is on May 21 and that the earth will be destroyed on October 21. This is what the site says about the signs that precede the Day of Judgment:

Jesus warned of several spiritual signs, such as the complete degradation of the Christian church, the devastating moral breakdown of society, the re-establishment of National Israel in1948, the emergence of the ‘Gay Pride Movement’, and the complete disregard of the Bible in all of society today as direct evidence of His return.

It seems that the Westboro “God Hates Fags” Church is not the only Christian organisation to loathe our unstraight brothers and sisters. In fact, the Catholic Church, the world’s largest Christian organisation, does not like homosexuals very much either. It seems they like pedophiles a lot more, as long as they suck up to the pope, but I digress. The most interesting part of this obviously enlightened document is this:

What will take place on May 21? On May 21, 2011 two events will occur. These events could not be more opposite in nature, the one more wonderful than can be imagined; the other more horrific than can be imagined. A great earthquake will occur the Bible describes it as “such as was not since men were upon the earth, so mighty an earthquake, and so great.” This earthquake will be so powerful it will throw open all graves. The remains of the all the believers who have ever lived will be instantly transformed into glorified spiritual bodies to be forever with God. On the other hand the bodies of all unsaved people will be thrown out upon the ground to be shamed. The inhabitants who survive this terrible earthquake will exist in a world of horror and chaos beyond description. Each day people will die until October 21, 2011 when God will completely destroy this earth and its surviving inhabitants.

Why is this so interesting? Because it gives us the opportunity to do some genuine, if elementary, science. I advance therefore the following hypotheses:

1. While there probably will be earthquakes on 21st of May, (there are earthquakes just about every day of the year, why would May 21 be an exception?) not a single one of them will qualify as “such as was not since men were upon the earth”.

2. Even if there is a powerful earthquake, it will by no means throw open all the graves.

3. Even if some graves are opened by some earthquake, the remains in them will not be instantly transformed into something else. In other words, all the bodies (or bones or bits of bones) will be thrown out upon the ground, meaning that not a single person will be “saved” and “transformed”.

4. Even if there is a powerful earthquake, most people will survive it.

5. Indeed, each day people will die until October 21, 2011. Better still, people will continue to die every day long after October 21, 2011.

6. God will not completely destroy this earth and its surviving inhabitants.

While I have no way of guaranteeing that I will personally still be around on October 22, 2011, I can say with a high degree of probability that I will indeed still be alive and kicking on that day, and so will the vast majority of the human inhabitants of this planet. In other words, I have made six predictions, prophecies, or, depending on how you look at it, I have put forward 6 testable hypotheses. I made them in advance.

If they are verified, this will not be thanks to privileged information given to me by the Christian deity/deities, but simply because of several reasons that are eminently easy to understand:

1. The earth has existed for about 4.5 billion years and there is nothing in the observable universe that indicates this is about to change. Therefore, all things being equal, it is extremely unlikely that the earth will cease to exist on October 21st.

2. The Bible is not a historic document. It is a collection of myths and fairy tales, many of which have been conclusively disproved, and many of which are so contradictory that for one to be true, the other one must necessarily be false.

3. The Bible is a collection of stories created by a primitive people who had no insights in the nature of the universe, who had no scientific knowledge to speak of and who ascribed anything and everything to some unseen, unheard and unfelt agent: in this case the terrifying god of the Bible that is best compared to the monsters that dwell under our children’s beds.

4. Not a single Bible-based doomsday prophecy has ever come out. If one had come out, we would not be here to talk about this new prophecy. Jesus’ very own doomsday prophecy has never materialised. For this reason, lack of evidence, I am sure beyond the reasonable doubt that this doomsday scenario is a fantasy, created by a crank: it will not happen. It is for the very same reason, lack of evidence, that these Family Radio doomsday prophets will most probably not want to step out of my 11th floor window.

Suppose, heaven forbid, that I am wrong and that these people are right? In that case, I will slaughter my hamster, marinate him, and prepare him in a sauce based on Belgian brown Trappist beer. I will then eat him for all to see.

It won’t happen. It’s all a matter of evidence. And what about this matter of Respect & Dignity? I am not entirely convinced that allowing this type of obvious nonsense is evidence of much respect and dignity.

It is an insult of the intelligence of the traveller to allow this to be shown, but far worse is that it is an insult to the people making the advertisement. Yes, there is free speech, and there should be. Yes, there is freedom to believe whatever one wants, and I support that wholeheartedly. But these freedoms assume that the person speaking or believing is mentally stable and not insane. When someone thinks he or she is Napoleon, we get them psychiatric treatment. I propose that we should not allow these people to bring this indignity upon themselves. They need treatment.

Are you with me, or do you think I am in error? If so, why?Let us know in the comments section.

Tip of the hat to Sharon for the email tip.

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About Post Author

Professor Mike

Professor Mike is a left-leaning, dog loving, political junkie. He has written dozens of articles for Substack, Medium, Simily, and Tribel. Professor Mike has been published at Smerconish.com, among others. He is a strong proponent of the environment, and a passionate protector of animals. In addition he is a fierce anti-Trumper. Take a moment and share his work.
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jenny40
12 years ago

How could anyone believe that this is really going to happen, although I have to admit that comet thing was a wee bit unnerving! Good article.

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