Ivins’ Channeled To Warn America About Perry: PLEASE PAY ATTENTION!

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Ivins warns America about Perry

Molly Ivins was hanging around for just a moment in Richard Dunham’s keyboard to warn us about Goodhair Perry.

Ivins had a lot to say about Perry: none of it good. The liberals who know Molly Ivins’s biting political satire wish she were still here to comment on the GOP morass. Turns out even death couldn’t keep her down. It seems Richard Dunham felt the same way. This article is reprinted in its entirety, courtesy of The Houston Chronicle. (It was just too damn good to edit, y’all.)

Molly Ivins warns America about Perry from the great beyond

Channeling Molly Ivins: ‘The next time I tell you someone from Texas should not be president, please pay attention!’

Since the last presidential campaign, America lost two of its most famous columnists: liberal Texas icon Molly Ivins and conservative Washington icon Bob Novak, the self-described Prince of Darkness. Molly was a colleague of mine at the Dallas Times Herald and Bob starred in a video that played at my National Press Club presidential inauguration. In their honor, I am writing columns trying to imitate their voices as they analyze the presidential candidacy of Rick Perry. First, Molly

I gave you fair warning. After Shrub became president in 2001, I wrote: Next time I tell you someone from Texas should not be president of the United States, please pay attention.

Beloveds, it’s time to pay attention.

Seems that Governor Goodhair himself, James Richard Perry of Paint Creek, Texas, got a call from God telling him to run for president in 2012. Now I’m a bit surprised by Goodhair’s affirmative response. I’d always thought he didn’t want to be president of anything but the Republic of Texas, bless his secessionist heart. I mean, here’s a guy who thinks that foreign policy is dealing with New Mexico.

The guy’s not the brightest bulb on the scoreboard. Just look at his A&M grades. I can understand that “F” in Organic Chemistry, but a “D” in “Feeds and Feeding” and “Principles of Economics”?

My friends, you can’t make this stuff up. Texas’ own Paul Begala said it best when he told the Houston Chronicle’s Rick Dunham that The Coiffure is the perfect candidate for Republicans who think that George W. Bush was too cerebral.

Jon Stewart once said this about Glenn Beck, but he could just has easily been talking about Governor Goodhair. “Finally,” said Stewart, “a guy who says what people who aren’t thinking are thinking.”

That’s not necessarily a liability in a Republican primary, I know. But it is a dangerous situation for a nation looking for simple answers to our complex economic problems.

Governor Goodhair has that special Texas blend of ignorance and malice. He’s been called petty, vindictive and small-minded—and that’s by fellow Republicans. This fellow is a fighter pilot at heart. He knows how to bomb and strafe and pump his fist in the air. To him, there is no mission that is impossible. And, with the help of right-wing zillionaires and their blank checks, he’s won just about every political fight he’s started.

Now, he’s picked a new fight.

Granted, this Republican presidential campaign needed something. The past three months has been like getting stuck in Alice’s Wonderland. Perhaps after listening to a Michele Bachmann speech, Alice told the White Queen, “one can’t believe impossible things.”

“I daresay you haven’t had much practice,” replied the White Queen. “When I was your age, I always did it for half an hour a day. Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.”

Every time you turn around in Iowa or South Carolina, you run into the Jabberwocky or the Frumious Bandersnatch or some other equally fantastic sight. Sarah Palin saying that Paul Revere was really warning the British that Americans were coming for their guns. Michele Bachmann mixing up John Wayne and John Wayne Gacy. Mitt Romney proudly declaring that corporations are people like you and me.

Whether you like him or not, The Coiffure is the only Republican presidential candidate with any “Elvis” in him. How many other presidential candidates claim to have shot a coyote? And if Shrub was able to convince the country to vote for him after eight years of peace and prosperity, then don’t count out The Coiffure at a time of war and economic calamity.

Pay attention. You can’t say I didn’t remind you.

~by Richard Dunham

Molly Ivins and Lou Dobois The Bill of Wrongs

From Bill of Wrongs, “Darwin on Trial,” Chapter 4:

Congress shall make no law respecting the establishing of religion or prohibiting the free exercise thereof

It reminds me of the schoolteacher who came out to my little town of Johnson City during the depression. The school board was divided on whether the earth was flat or round. The poor fellow needed a job so bad that when they asked him what he believed he told ’em “I can teach it either way.” LYNDON JOHNSON

★ ★ ★

On August 17, a blog entitled “Sky Dancing” yet another quote from Dubya’s dimmer brother:

Perry, who was on his second trip to New Hampshire as a presidential candidate, criticized President Obama for his assertion during a speech in El Paso, Tex. in May that his administration had “strengthened border security beyond what many believed was possible.”

“Six weeks ago the President went to El Paso and said the border is safer than it’s ever been,” Perry said. “I have no idea, maybe he was talking about the Canadian border.”

We should remember Ivins’ quotes about Perry and disseminate them widely—before it’s too late

June 24, 2001

“Such a brilliant decision:

First, we Texans would like to salute the only governor we’ve got, Rick “Goodhair” Perry, the Ken Doll, for vetoing the bill to outlaw executing the mentally retarded.

We are Texas Proud.

First, we Texans would like to salute the only governor we’ve got, Rick “Goodhair” Perry, the Ken Doll, for vetoing the bill to outlaw executing the mentally retarded.

We are Texas Proud.

Such a brilliant decision—not only is Texas now globally recognized for barbaric cruelty, but a strong majority of Texans themselves (73—percent) would prefer not to off the retarded.

Gov. Goodhair’s decision—in the face of popular opinion, the Supreme Court and George W. Bush’s recent conversion on this subject—is a testament to his strength of character.

Or something.

His Perryness announced, anent the veto, that Texas does not execute the retarded. I beg your pardon, Governor. Johnny Paul Penry, now on Death Row for a heart-breaking murder and the subject of two Supreme Court decisions, has an IQ between 51 and 60, believes in Santa Claus and likes coloring books. —not only is Texas now globally recognized for barbaric cruelty, but a strong majority of Texans themselves (73 percent) would prefer not to off the retarded.

Gov. Goodhair’s decision—in the face of popular opinion, the Supreme Court and George W. Bush’s recent conversion on this subject—is a testament to his strength of character.

Or something.

His Perryness announced, anent the veto, that Texas does not execute the retarded. I beg your pardon, Governor. Johnny Paul Penry, now on Death Row for a heart-breaking murder and the subject of two Supreme Court decisions, has an IQ between 51 and 60, believes in Santa Claus and likes coloring books.

★ ★ ★

The best way to get to the sons of bitches is to make people laugh at them

Thank you, Richard Dunham. And please thank Molly for coming back to warn us about Gov. Goodhair Perry.

About Post Author

Dorothy Anderson

I want to know what you think and why, especially if we disagree. Civil discourse is free speech: practice daily. Always question your perspective.
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