Halloween Costumes for the Republican Candidates

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I was looking at a photo montage of the Republican candidates and I had what Jimmy Neutron calls a brain blast. Some people dress up like politicians for Halloween, but who would best suit the candidates if they were going trick or treating?

For your dining and dancing pleasure, I would like to present: Costumes for the Clowns. <ahem>

1) Newt Gingrich: I gave this a lot of thought, because Newt’s personality belies his soft, puffy exterior. What famous character in film is evil on the inside but looks benign and cute on the outside? The Sta-Puft Marshmallow Man from “Ghostbusters”! Wearing that little sailor hat, adorable grin on his marshmallowy face, then BAM he’s stomping on cabs and roaring at Bill Murray.

2) Rick Santorum: A few people have suggested that Google Santorum should dress up as his arch nemesis, Dan Savage, and while that’s an okay idea, I wanted to make it less subtle. You know, like Rick. Thus, I think Rick Santorum should dress up as Bernadette, Terrence Stamps’s drag queen from “Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.” In the frilled neck lizard costume.

3) Rick Perry: So many want him to go out and about as George Bush, but again, that’s not exciting. My idea? Rick Perry, former investor in a porn company and outspoken evangelical Christian hater of all things sexual should dress up as Ron Jermey, former porn star and realty show contestant. Leather pants, black tee shirt and a kielbasa stuffed down into his crotch.

4) Herman Cain: Keith Olbermann recently renamed Cain’s 9-9-9 plan “Plan 9 9 9 From Outer Space”, a reference to the Ed Wood film that has been called the worst movie ever made. Obviously, Herb…err…Herman should dress up as The Ghoul Man from “Plan 9 From Outer Space”. Bela Lugosi played The Ghoul Man for approximately 50% of the film, then died, so Ed Wood’s chiropractor took over the role. Much like Herman Cain’s presidential campaign, except he may not have a chiropractor waiting in the wings.

5) Ron Paul: I have heard suggestions that Paul wander the streets on October 31st dressed as Dumbledore from the “Harry Potter” movies, or a garden gnome. Nope, not feeling those. Gollum, from the “Lord of the Rings”. That works for me. Put Paul in a little loincloth, gel his hair to stick out in strands from his pointy, little head and give him a copy of the Constitution so he can whisper “Precious” to it all night long.

6) Michele Bachmann: Okay, this was tough. A friend said “She should go as Sarah Palin!”, and I shook my head. For this costume, I reached deep down into the dark recesses of my twisted mind and came up with something I think is absolutely fabulous. Margaret Sanger, the founder of Planned Parenthood. Sanger dressed in dark, wool suits, sensible shoes for walking and protesting and she wore little to no makeup. She was a woman on a mission, and in the beginning, yes, that mission was eugenics, but she realized the error of her ways, and created Planned Parenthood. I think it’s the perfect costume. Of course, Bachmann would have to carry a sign that reads “I’m Pro-Choice, and I Vote!”.

7) Mitt Romney: Great hair, nice smile, a little evil, lives in an alternate universe. Bizarro Superman. Backwards “R” for Romney on a ripped, blue leotard, blood red cape and that smile? A grimace, as if he is straining to remember what he actually believes. Oh, and he should growl at children and old ladies.

Johnson and Huntsman just aren’t crazy enough to be fun, so maybe they can dress up as TeleTubbies or two of the Spice Girls. Happy Halloween!