Ten Things To Do If Someone You Love Is Republican

About Erin Nanasi
Erin Nanasi is an avid underwater basket weaver, with a penchant for satire and the odd wombat reference.
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It happens to all of us. We find out that someone we love is a Republican. Well, rather than gnashing your teeth, or weeping into your java, help them. Show them the error of their ways, and maybe, just maybe, you can save them.

The following suggestions may help you with your Republican:

1) Don’t ostracize your Republican. The worst thing you can do is leave them alone with Fox News blaring in the background and Ann Coulter’s latest book on the nightstand. Show them you love them, no matter what.

2) Be gentle. For God’s sake, do NOT suddenly inundate your Republican with articles from Daily Kos, or duct tape them to a chair and make them watch Countdown with Keith Olbermann. This is a process not unlike deprogramming someone who is in a cult. Without the hand cuffs, unless you’re into that sort of thing.

3) Remember that they will fight you. You can point out the 50 times Fox and Friends have lied in the past week, but depending on how far gone your Republican is, be prepared for a battle. Memorize the lingo: libtard, Muslim, anti-American, conservative Jesus. Hugging can help, but in some severe cases, people have been bitten. Head gear may be an option.

4) Take your Republican outside. One of the best ways to show someone the light is to get them out IN IT. Many hard core conservatives sit in their living rooms all day, watching Fox and listening to Glenn Beck, Michael Savage and Rush Limbaugh. Getting the Republican physically out of the house can help. You may need assistance with this step, as some Republicans grab onto the door frame quite fiercely, digging their heels into the hallway carpet.

5) Show your Republican all the great things the government does, every day. Make it personal. For example, if your Republican is retired, remind them, again gently, about Social Security and Medicare. If your Republican is employed, ask them what they did last weekend. Point out that the weekend was brought to them by unions and that the Department of Labor, which is a government entity, helps protect American workers from abuse. Remember to duck after using the word “unions”.

6) When your Republican is at work, or a DAR meeting, go through their personal library. If you find four versions of the Bible, three Sean Hannity works and discover your Republican has subscriptions to both The American Spectator and Townhall, remove them. Yes, this is harsh, but remember, the less propaganda they have available, the less likely they are to throw it at you.

7) Use facts, not emotion. When your Republican launches into a “Obummer is a Socialist” tirade, point out that, in fact, he is not. Find actual Socialists and use them as a comparison. Travel to the library, hopefully with your Republican, and check out some books on Lenin, or Karl Marx or Leon Trotsky. Show your Republican the difference between all the “isms”-Fascism, Communism, Socialism, Marxism, Foxism.

8) By this point, you will either be feeling pretty damn good about your work thus far, or you are in the emergency room, having your earlobe sewn back on, or getting stitches where you were hit with a Bible. Be strong, stay the course. Invest in antibiotic ointment and bandages. This is your Republican and you are the only person standing between them and utter Republicanism. Another “ism”.

9) Now is the time for the mainstream media to make an appearance. Mainstream. Please, do not undo all your work by taking your Republican to Mother Jones.com. It’s too soon. My suggestion is HLN. This is the home of Nancy Grace, whom your Republican will love, and interspersed between tabloid shows is actual news. Watch your Republican’s response to unbiased news reports. If their eyes narrow, or a vein pops out of their neck, turn off the television and try again later. This is a painful process for your Republican, who up until now, did not know there were other news channels available. And NO RADIO. Take it with you if you have to. Use force.

10) This is the final moment, when you need to honestly evaluate your Republican. Is your Republican becoming more open minded? Are they less likely to mutter that government health care is Socialism on the way to the bank to deposit their Social Security check? Are they using the word “President” before Obama, rather than calling him “That Muslim”? Have they stopped wearing shirts with sayings like “You can have my gun when you pry it from my cold, dead hands” and moving on to shirts with kittens? Then congratulations. Your Republican is well on their way to becoming a productive member of society, controlled not by irrational hate and Gretchen Carlson’s hair, but by their own mind! However, if there is no change in your Republican, and they are even more obsessed than before, a session or two with Dr. Schadenfreude may be in order.

If you love a Republican tell us about it in the comments section.

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 Ten Things To Do If Someone You Love Is Republican

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Posted by on October 18, 2011. Filed under Commentary. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry
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11 Responses to Ten Things To Do If Someone You Love Is Republican

  1. Michael John Scott Reply

    October 18, 2011 at 11:41 am

    I always liked the smiley face instead of the “8.” It fits quite well don’t you think? Great read Erin. I will remember these tips when I talk to my Republican.

    • Erin Nanasi Reply

      October 18, 2011 at 12:01 pm

      I do like the smiley face. Just remember-no duct tape.

  2. Dorothy Anderson Reply

    October 18, 2011 at 2:27 pm

    Brilliant tips to live by. I’ll be sharing this to everyone I can. Erin, you are a hell of a great writer. Thanks for the great read today.

    • Erin N. Reply

      October 18, 2011 at 5:13 pm

      Dorothy-I’m adopting you. I LOVED your Star Trek article! I knew some of those, but a king? Of Jordan? That was a hoot! (Total Trekkie)

      • Dorothy Anderson Reply

        October 19, 2011 at 11:54 pm

        Erin, you seriously rock. Now I know we’re from the same family. For me, yes on Star Trek, no on Star Wars. (I’m going to catch grief on this one…)

        :D

  3. The Lawyer Reply

    October 19, 2011 at 11:58 am

    Fun read, but the Repubs I know in these parts, I believe, are completely unpersuaded by facts, logic and all those other things that have to do with the left hemisphere and frontal lobe of the brain. Take Morning Edition and All Things Considered on NPR for example. Straight down the middle journalism brimming with integrity. Is their any media more hated by folks on the right? They don’t even know why they hate NPR–they just do, because Rush Limbaugh told them to, I suppose.

    • Erin Nanasi Reply

      October 19, 2011 at 1:10 pm

      I know you’re right, but if I don’t laugh, I’ll punch things.

  4. David Rice Reply

    October 22, 2011 at 10:17 pm

    Went out with a girl in college only to learn that she was a Republican. Odd, I thought, that she’s a Republican and a single mother. She didn’t know that both the GOP and the Catholic Church saw her as a second class citizen.

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  6. Judy Reply

    March 4, 2012 at 2:30 pm

    I could never love someone who is a Republican. They are just too mean and nasty.

  7. Tristan Reply

    March 4, 2012 at 5:12 pm

    That’s great and Funny. Now what do you do when you find out your friend is a Democrat ?
    1. point out that same propaganda and brain washing techniques are used on them. MSNBC is the
    Fox for liberals.
    2. Although they may run away screaming in horror, show them a copy of the constitution.
    3. Remind them, when obama drops bombs on Libya and Yemen, it still kills babies.
    4. Gently inform them that NDAA could land them in prison for going to the wrong website
    and obama signed it into law. Public records are not conspiracy theories .
    5. This is the most critical, using logic is not a crime, nor does it make you a republican or racist.
    6. After they stop crying and stamping their feet, calmly explain that the government has nothing.
    in order to give something to one person, they have to take it from someone else .
    7. That just because obama takes more money from Wall St, than any candidate in history, doesn’t
    make it o.k.
    8. Saving the environment is good. Paying poor people to double the population, every 50 years
    won’t save it. Regardless of good intentions and living in denial, paying rich people a carbon tax
    won’t solve the problem either, especially after obama gives G.E. a waiver so they don’t have to pay it or any income tax.
    9 Again, logic is hard for them, but let them know Republicans and Democrats are two hands of the
    same monster.
    10. And finally, their hero Abe Lincoln ( a republican ) and J.F.K, were both against a central banking system that enslaves the people. obama is for it and filled his cabinet with all bankers and finance men.
    The 14th amendment outlaws slavery. Debt slavery to the Fed is still slavery.

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