The Trump Stamp

Read Time:3 Minute, 39 Second

Donald Trump, of “what died on his head?!” fame, has managed to ooze his way back into politics, hopefully for the last time.

The Trumpster is moderating one of the 764 Republican debates in partnership with NewsMax, that bastion of truth and balanced reporting. Ron Paul isn’t going, and neither is Jon Huntsman, which prompted Trump to accuse them of turning this campaign into a circus.

Don, buddy, I hate to tell you this, but we passed circus about 6 weeks ago, and we are now on the semi open ward of a mental hospital. My bet is that after this debacle (I mean debate), the patients formerly known as candidates will be moved to the lock-down ward. Michele will close our embassy in Iran, right after she closes the embassies in North Korea and Cuba. Google Santorum thinks that science is a myth and creationism is science. Which makes it a myth ow my head. Newt wants poor kids to go back to mining and contract black lung by the time they’re twenty. Willard has no clue what he believes but it’s totally different than yesterday. And oh dear lord, Perry. One, two, crap what comes next.

In the midst of this freak show, Fox news has now decided that THE MUPPETS are brainwashing our children and our black president takes too many vacations with surf boards. One of the Ken dolls on Fox and Friends pointed out that Dubya spent a lot of time on vacation as well, but good old Dana Perino, former Bush press secretary, professional liar and sycophant pointed out that BUSH was “working.” At what, watching his damn dog hunt armadillos? Fox loves the Trumpster, allowing him to spew his birther nonsense more often than any other media organization. And they are over the moon about the NewsMax debate.

Fox, NewsMax, Donald Trump and the Republican candidates (other than Huntsman) appeal to the fringe. Who are the fringe? Bill Looman, Waco, Georgia businessman, Obama hater, former member of the Oath Keepers and founder of a militia group. Pam Geller. Glenn Beck. Rush “I love the Dominican Republic Where’s My Illegal Viagra” Limbaugh. Steve King (R-IA). Orly Taitz. Sean Hannity. Ann Coulter. Or, as I like to call them, the Grand Old Party, version 2.0. This is not Abraham Lincoln’s party anymore, this is insanity at light speed. The new GOP has more fringe than a 1960’s lampshade, and the bulb’s getting dimmer by the minute.

People are trying to convince me to watch the Dead Muskrat Hair/NewsMax debate. Boy, that’s asking a lot. I’ve struggled through most of them, swearing and making my husband twitch nervously as he watches my nails dig into my own palms. But this one? Really? If I approach it the same way I would an episode of “Jersey Shore”, maybe. I could think of it as a giant cesspool of venereal disease, misinformation, bad tans and mumbling.

If you are planning on watching it, please help me. How are you going to approach it? Will you be sober? Will you and your friends turn it into a “Rocky Horror” type of event, and whenever Bachmann says “foster children”, you throw toast at your television?

If Perry stutters and fumbles, will you do the Time Warp? When Newt talks about poor kids working as janitors, are you going to squirt a water gun at his face? If Google Santorum talks about social experimentation in the military, is it time for “he’s just a boring transsexual”? How on earth are you planning to get through it?

My only consolation is that in my twisted brain, I have this picture: the candidates arrive, only to be corralled into a dark room, where a large bald man waits, next to a tattoo table. One after the other, they are required to drop trou and allow that bald stranger to tattoo, on the small of their backs, the word “Trump”. If they refuse, they are forced to polish Trump’s 24 karat gold bathroom fixtures for a week. And baby sit Baron, the newest member of the Trump family fortune (about $300 million in the real world, about $7 BILLION in Don’s world). You can borrow that picture, if you need it. I don’t mind at all.