Dr. Shadenfreude takes on Mitt Romney

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I had heard nothing from Dr. Schadenfreude in over a month, and I was concerned. What if he’d gone back to Germany because the rest of the Republican candidates were just too nutty? What about Mitt Romney?

Maybe his latest pamphlet “I’m Psychotic and So Am I: A Guide to Schizophrenia” was taking up more of his time that he originally planned. Whatever the reasons, I was worried that he had left. I was wrong, thank goodness. Yesterday morning, New Year’s Day, he appeared in his rented Ford Fiesta, bundled up against the cold, lugging that giant duffle bag and grinning from ear to ear.

The following is transcribed from audio.

EN: Dr. S.! You’re back! I was hoping you had not abandoned our project.

Dr. S.: Erin, no, but my next analysis is so complex, so mind bogglingly detailed that I had to research the subject with more energy than normal. I’m going to give you an in depth analysis of Willard Mitt Romney.

(Break for espresso, strudel and Princess, flopping down at Dr. S.’s feet. She loves him.)

EN: As you know, Herman Cain dropped out after allegations surfaced that he has been carrying on an adulterous relationship for over a decade.

Dr. S.: Yes, I believe he used a quote from the “Pokemon” movie as inspiration, correct? Which is a cartoon about small mammals that know karate?

EN: Honestly, I never watched “Pokemon” and my son was never really…

Dr. S.: Right, so, let’s get down to business. Willard Mitt Romney could very well the Republican nominee, and I think it is important for your millions of readers to understand exactly who is, and what he stands for today, Sunday, that he may not have stood for, say, last Friday. I want to start with his new views on a woman’s right to choose. When Willard Mitt Romney was running against Ted Kennedy in 1994, he was pro choice, he believed in a woman’s right to choose. He also stated he supported gay rights, and would do more to help gay people than Kennedy.

NOW, Romney believes that if you are even thinking about becoming pregnant, that’s life, and he certainly has no interest in helping gay people, unless it’s to shove them into Marcus Bachmann’s closet. I wanted to know why, HOW someone can change his mind and his heart on two such fundamental issues! The answer is very simple: the right wing voters in America are insane. They’ve taken the line between church and state and erased it, they believe that conception occurs before you even have sex, and they believe that gay marriage will cause rivers to turn to blood, frogs to rain down from the sky and large pustules to grow on the butt cheeks of every fundamentalist Christian in America.

EN: Err…I’m…oh never mind, you’re right, they’re crazy.

Dr. S.: Of COURSE I’m right, who’s the clinician here and who’s the blogger? For God’s sake, this is what I do for a living!

Dr. S.: So, Willard Mitt Romney also laughingly told people in a coffee shop that he was unemployed. His net worth is a little over $200 million. I know many, many people who could be unemployed with that kind of money in the bank. You know how he made that money? Think Richard Gere’s character in “Pretty Woman” without all the redeeming qualities. His son recently joked that Daddums would release his tax forms when President Obama released his birth certificate. If THAT’S not pandering to the right wing fringe, I don’t know what it. God, these people are repugnant.

EN: Dr. S., I know this takes a toll on you, both professionally and personally, and I really appreciate you making this effort. Do you have a diagnosis for Mitt Romney?

Dr. S.: I do. Much like the others, Willard is a narcissist who believes he is the only person on Earth who can run this country. He doesn’t care that he is part of the problem when it comes to wealth in America, he has no clue that his views are archaic, antiquated and bigoted, he simply doesn’t care that overturning Roe V Wade would kill women. He’s a true sociopath, as in if he were not running for office, I believe he would either be a serial killer or a telemarketer, scamming old people out of their life savings.

As always, I was amazed. He got everything right. Climbing back into the Fiesta, Dr. Schadenfreude called out as he drove down the driveway “I’m taking on Bachmann next, before she drops out!” I don’t think we have that kind of time, but I wasn’t going to tell him that.