From a cat’s perspective

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I’ve interviewed a few people over the past year, and each time, I am prepared. I have questions written down, pens, paper, possibly a recording device and caffeine at the ready.

For my “interviews” with Dr. Schadenfreude, I have researched the topic and have my imagination on full blast. For the following interview, I just sat back, astonished. I present my interview with our cat, Princess. I asked very few questions, as you will see. She did most of the talking.

EMN: Are you serious? I can’t interview you, you’re a cat. This is silly. Are you doing this because you think you are underfed?

Princess: That’s part of it, yes. Have you noticed that everyone’s a dog person now? Cats are shelved, unless of course you have some stupid cat video of noble beasts, once worshiped, playing Patty Cake or falling into a toilet or spinning around on a ceiling fan. We were GODS, and now we’re fodder for comedians. It’s sad.

EMN: I’ve never owned a dog, you know that. I love cats, and always have been a cat person. What is…

Princess: Yes, let’s address your alleged love of cats. Did you not tell your son that when I DIE, you might get him a dog?

Oh God, I thought, this is going to be very awkward.

EMN: Okay, yes, but understand that is simply because I don’t think I can ever have another cat after you. I mean you’re the best cat I’ve ever owned and…

Princess: I’m sorry, owned? You OWN me? You don’t own me, I can leave whenever I like, and I would except is seriously cold outside and those damn foxes are wandering around. Look, you think you are the boss of me, but you are not the boss of me. I am the boss of me, which is why I continue to chew off the fringe of that huge Persian rug you inherited from your mother. And you never know…oh crap.

At this point, I dashed into the living room to find, yes, the little sweetheart has been eating the fringe of my mother’s gorgeous Persian area rug. I thought we nipped this problem in the bud; I was obviously mistaken. I returned to my home office, and glared at her.

Princess: WHAT? I’ve explained this-if there is no food in my bowl, I interpret that to mean I will starve and that you hate me. Therefore, I must draw attention to my starvation by chewing on your rugs, your towels, your socks and throwing up in your slippers. It’s all about me, not you, ME. And when you think how much nicer it would be with a DOG, remember this: it’s 5 degrees outside. I pee in a box, which I hate, by the way, but if I were a DOG, you would have to take me outside, with a plastic bag, and pick my poop up with your hands. -13 outside with a 45 MPH wind? Oh well, doggie has to crap. HA!

EMN: I don’t want a DOG! I want you to stop chewing on everything in the house! You’re not starving, for Christ’s sake, your stomach hits the middle of your leg!

Princess: Oh you did not go there. Oh hell no, you did not…you know what? Stay here and write your little article while I go devour the mat in front of the kitchen sink. I hate you.

Let me point out that Princess weighs 18 pounds. She is not exactly emaciated. She eats 3 times a day, and she’s FINE. Oh mother pus bucket, she’s eating the…end of interview. DAMMIT!

About Post Author

Erin Nanasi

Erin Nanasi is an avid underwater basket weaver, with a penchant for satire and the odd wombat reference.
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Lorie
12 years ago

I love this website! I did a similar interview NPR style with my cat as a cat psychologist.

http://www.sandiegoreader.com/weblogs/msgrants-rants/2010/may/23/the-doctor-is-in/

Erin N.
12 years ago

YAY! There she is!!

12 years ago

Don’t take no crap from no dog lovers ! I love my calico cat and she loves me !

Bobby3036
12 years ago

HA! What a fun little piece Erin and it made my Sunday morning. You sure nailed cats, but don’t you have a picture of your pussy that you could use in the article? Maybe the next one? I hope there will be a next one. Happy Sunday!

Erin N.
Reply to  Bobby3036
12 years ago

I do have several photos of Princess, and people always say the same thing: That’s a really big cat. Maybe I can appeal to the publisher to include one with this “interview.” Thanks!

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