Erin’s erstwhile eccentricities
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First, these are helpful hints that I have learned in the past hour, but I wanted the title to have each word start with “E”. You know, like Heloise? But I couldn’t find an “E” word that meant hints, so I lied.
I am eccentric, but hints aren’t eccentric. I mean they can be, but for the most part, they’re just helpful. Look, shiny! What the hell was I talking about.
HINTS! Yes. I thought of this while my oven was on fire. No, I’m not joking. We have pizza every Monday, and last night, some of the melted cheese dripped onto the bottom of the oven. My fabulous hubby forgot to mention this, so when I cranked the oven up to 400 degrees to roast a chicken, whoosh. Fire. I called my husband who was remarkably calm about the FIRE in the oven. So calm, in fact, that he will be boning an entire chicken when he gets home from work. Fire bad.
Hint number one: When melted cheese from a pizza falls onto the bottom of your oven, clean it UP. Or tell your wife, partner, spouse or whoever you need to so your oven does not catch on fire.
Hint number two: No matter how much the love of your life tells you it’s fine to do this, do not leave your house with a candle burning. I don’t give a rat’s ass if the giant Yankee Candle (do you not LOVE Yankee Candle??) is ¾ of the way down inside the glass jar, it can still burn down your house. As can a fire in your oven.
Hint number three: If you work from home, don’t let anyone talk you into putting the litter box for the cat in your home office. Oh my flipping lord. Put it anywhere else, but not a foot away from your desk. When our cat poops, it brings actual tears to my eyes. Of course, today that could be the smoke in my house from the oven fire.
Hint number four: Buy Easy Off. Crap.
Hint number five: When all the smoke detectors in the house start beeping at 5 BLOODY A.M., shoot them. Our smoke detectors are hardwired into the electrical system (Thus we fry if there’s an electrical fire?), so when my husband was climbing up on a dining room chair this morning, checking the batteries, it didn’t matter because they’re electrical. And they have batteries. Wha…? He ripped two down and hid them in a closet. I’m guessing the oven fire was karma’s bitch slap for the day.
Hint number six: If you have famous friends from high school, and they share a really awesome video of the premiere for, oh I don’t know, a movie they wrote about Navy SEALs, resist the temptation to comment “OMG that’s so insane!” I resisted, and I feel much better about it. Of course, that was before I almost died from a fire in the oven.
Hint number seven: Don’t take the maximum daily dosage of ibuprofen first thing in the morning. Odds are, things will happen during the day and you will need more, but since you had six at 8:00 A.M., you’re screwed. I have a splitting headache at this very moment, and will have to consume a mug of sherry to make it go away. I think it’s the near death experience of having a fire in my oven.
In closing, let me add that I am normally not obsessed with fire. However, having just almost DIED in my own kitchen, I feel okay, fine, I didn’t almost die. I turned the oven off, closed the door and the fire went out. GOD. I coughed a little, though. It was scary; I mean 6 foot…3 foot…3 inch flames oh there’s really no way to milk this. He brought me daisies!
What fire?
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If people really think women will forgive you for doing or saying stupid things by giving them flowers, they don’t know the saying, ” Hell has no fury as a woman scorned !” or “Women have an elephant’s memory, they never forget !” Most men can forgive and forget and get on with their lives, but if they make a serious mistake, forget it, you’re eternal crap.
signed: Living In Shit.
Ha Ha. I had those little lighting bolts when I put in one of those instant dinners (wife out of town) and forgot to take off the tin foil. Looked like a major weather event. Then there was that time I tried to hard boil eggs in the mike and they blew the door off. Dog still won’t get near it.
I once had little lightning bolts in my microwave. I was strangely proud because I had something so awesome in my house…