Never in the face

As The We Are Woman March on Washington DC, April 28th, 2012 begins to grow and reach others, I paused this afternoon and was transported back in time. It was the mid 1980’s, and I was being punched in the stomach by someone who said they loved me. I got punched a lot, but never in the face.

During the 1980’s, my Borderline Personality Disorder was in full swing. I had no self worth, no sense of boundaries and believed what I had been raised to believe: I don’t matter. So, when a man I loved and who claimed to love me began beating the shit out of me, it never occurred to me that this was anything less than what I deserved for being so unlovable. Makes perfect sense, right? Someone says they love me, and to prove it, they hurt me over and over again.

When I finally left, I was asked by friends why I didn’t leave sooner. Survivors of domestic violence hear that ALL THE TIME. Why didn’t you just leave? Fuck and you. We also hear that we are weak, we must have not minded, and that we give women a bad name. Fuck and you.

Here’s a thought. Women don’t leave because they can’t. Women don’t leave because they’re taking punches for their kids. Women don’t leave because their husband/boyfriend/girlfriend (yes, lesbians are victims of domestic violence, too) tell them if they leave, they will kill them. Hunt them down and kill them. Huh. Busted ribs and a stab wound in the back or immolated, shot, hung, thrown through a window. I’ll take busted ribs for $200, Alex.

Why was I never punched in the face? Because my batterer liked me pretty. A black eye or a split lip would mar the perfect face I used to have, and it was more fun for him to have this big secret. He had all the power, and I took it. I took it because I had been raised to think so little of myself that it made sense in the darkness swirling around in my head.

There is a passage in the Bible that tells women to be submissive to their husbands. There are many other passages in the Bible that tell men to be nice, and cleave to their wives and love their wives as Christ loves the Church. If you ask a Dominionist or a Quiverfull husband, which one of those statements do you think you will hear repeated? The one about submission. The Bible also talks about having the right to beat male and female slaves. Submission: An act of submitting to the authority or control of another. That sounds like a slave.

Understand that women are beaten by a partner far more often than men are beaten by a partner, but it does happen to men. Just as men are raped, men are victims of domestic violence, which is why I am saying to everyone-men, women, gay, straight, liberal, conservative, black, white-MARCH. Get up, RSVP to the Facebook page, grab a few other people, and get to Washington DC on April 28th. We all know someone who has been beaten, raped, needs birth control, has had an abortion that saved their lives and we are all that woman. Every one in America knows someone who would have died if the new GOP had its way. And we all know that women will die in the future if the new GOP gets its way now.

By the way, it hurts to get beaten by someone who says they love you. It does something to your soul and your heart and your sense of self. It destroys a little part of what makes you special and wonderful and lovable. Whenever I think about those 3 years, I do feel like a weakling for not leaving. Then I remember, I had nowhere to go, I was severely mentally ill and about 85% of me thought this was exactly what I deserved. Hey, you, yeah, you, asshole who cracked my ribs and twisted my wrist and yanked me by my hair and kicked me in the stomach and stabbed me in the back? Fuck and you.

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