Spring Break is coming so are you ready for Disneyworld?

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Do you hear that? That’s the sound of families all over America trying to create their own Walt Disney World vacation. The swearing, the yelling, the exasperated sighs are all part and parcel to the vain attempt at organizing your family trip to Disneyworld.

Why would you do that to yourself? Let me, your former Disneyworld cast member (yes, it’s true) guide you through a few steps to making your bankrupting Dis…I mean your festive family fiesta to Disneyworld less stressful and less expensive.

Use Disney travel. For the love of GOD, use Disney travel. From airfare to hotels all the way down to meal plans, Disney travel will save your life, your money and possibly your marriage. If you are only planning on visiting Disneyworld, you don’t even need a car. Disney will pick you up at the airport, deliver you to your hotel, buses pick you up in the morning and monorails are the perfect way to travel between parks.

You don’t need to leave the property. Everything you want or need is right there. If for some odd reason, you want to venture out into the tourist nightmare that is Kissimmee, Florida, depending on your hotel’s location, you can meander along the streets and buy plastic sunglasses shaped like Mickey’s ears. Stay in the park.

Now, the insider information. This is fun stuff, because if you actually take my advice, you’ll have more fun, and your children won’t hate you by the end of the trip. Do not bring a baby to Disneyworld. How much of this trip do you really think a 3 month old infant is going to remember? NONE. The best age to start this fiasco, I mean tradition, is around 6. At 6, your child will be able to enjoy the majority of Disneyworld and recall it later in life. If you must bring a child younger than 6, don’t drag that poor creature around the park while he or she whines and screams from exhaustion. Go back to the hotel, take a break. Trust me, you will be happier and so will the poor schmucks who are in line with you.

Speaking of lines, use Fast Pass. No, Fast Pass is not about instant gratification, it’s about patience and strategy. If your brood wants to ride Space Mountain, but the line to Space Mountain is the length of Madison Avenue, march up to that little box and grab your Fast Passes. You will have to come back, but the line will be shorter, and you will be winging your way around on a roller coaster in the absolute darkness faster than you can say “I shouldn’t have had those nachos.”

Listen to safety spiels. When a host or hostess says “Keep arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times,” they are not telling you that to piss you off. They are telling you that for this reason: when I was a shadow lead at The Land Boat ride, a Colombian family boarded the boat ride. The only member of the family who spoke English was the sister, and she did not translate the safety spiel. As the two ton boat rounded the corner on its way to unload, her little brother stuck his foot out, where it was promptly crushed between the wall and the TWO TON boat. Okay? Okay.

Disneyworld is not the place for acting like a douche and beating your kids, wearing your obscene t-shirts, drinking beer at 10:00 am or swearing at cast members. It is also not the place to grope Tigger to see if that’s a guy or a girl under eighty pounds of synthetic fur. Disney has strict guidelines, and how much would it suck for you to get thrown out of the park after mortgaging your house to pay for this vacation? Behave yourself.

Pay attention, use Disney travel and have fun. Have any travel tips for Disneyworld that I forgot? Share them with Mad Mike’s!

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