Who are these Avengers anyway?

Superbowl ads are the only time of the year anyone actually care or even be disappointed with them, as folks apparently were this year. Can you imagine discussing about ads “playing it safe” during an episode of NCIS? Of course not, you’re too busy using the break to run and throw up after their latest close-up-shot of a coroner cutting a sharpened dildo out of someone’s stomach.

Also if you’d actually watch the ads your brain would immediately start melting, causing a few seconds of agonizing pain before flooding out and leaving you with the sudden idea that “Intelligent Design” might be a valid scientific term. But for 3.5 million for a 30 second slot you can expect a little more. Which brings us to the question why Marvel Studios has invested 7 million dollars in the new Avengers movie trailer:

That’s a lot of cash to let a giant green dude shout at you. Even Thor got only a 30 second trailer. Rumors say the Avengers has a budget of 260 million so compared to that you could probably be excused for thinking they thought it would be worth investing 6 to get a lot of people to see this. You would be partly right too, but it’s only one of the reasons and the other might be far more important.

You now have heard of the Avengers. If you aren’t into comic books you probably only heard about some of these guys before. Chances are you have at least seen the Iron Man movies (viewer numbers suggest even your dog has) and so you have some familiarity with this. Even if you didn’t see the new Hulk movies you might remember that cheesy old series. Marvel Studios doesn’t own the big names like Superman and Batman but they started the comic book movie craze with their flagships Spiderman and X-Men. As comics no longer make money Marvel is keenly aware that their only capital is their brands. So they have been working very hard to improve the value of these brands. Even their B-Class. Cue: The Avengers.

So who are the Avengers? In short the Avengers are every name Marvel owns that isn’t in the X-Men or the Fantastic Four. And even then there are exceptions. Before you wonder the Avengers do not really avenge anything. They couldn’t come up with a better name. This also means that they use “Avengers Assemble” as their battle cry for some reason; usually in scene there they all stand together. I’d explain this to you but the guys at Marvel don’t share their drugs with me. The Avengers roster has included dozens of members over the years but the ones they use in the new movies are the “core” roster that always seems to return or at least make up a significant part of the group. In the following list you will also see that most of these guys had their own movies in the last few years, again slowly increasing the value of their brand before throwing them all in this new melting pot.

• Iron Man: Had two hit movies. Has the power to be most easily sold to mainstream audiences on account of being less of a superhero and more of a guy who drives a fancy weapon. Can also be an arrogant drunk and still stay popular with the ladies. Main ability: Be played by Robert Downey Jr.
• Thor: Had one hit movie. This guy is basically Marvel’s version of Superman but much more buffed. Main ability: Smash things with a hammer and seem like a nice dude while at it.
• The Hulk: had two movies that didn’t do all that well at the box office. He’s the guy we all want to be. If you make him angry he turns into an indestructible killing machine that can throw tanks, leap over mountains and can’t be hurt even if you throw a nuclear warhead at him. He’s technically not in the normal Avengers lineup since the comics treat him more as a force of nature but he’s been there from time to time. Main ability: Is still remembered fondly from that really silly old TV series.
• Captain America: Had one hit movie. Is also the Republican wet dream unless they actually bother taking a closer look since they then find out he’s neither particularly religious nor a douche. To make up for the fact that his itsy bit of superpowers is utterly redundant then you consider his previously mentioned team members he has a shield that’s completely immune to logic and plot to make up for it. Main ability: Let Iron Man be the team leader in any version of the Avengers that’s going to be popular.
• The Black Widow: Had.. a guest appearance as another redhead in Iron Man 2. Seriously, that’s it. A movie about her would be incredibly easy to make considering she just does martial arts. This should really tell you something about the sorry chances female leads have in action movies. Former Russian super spy type person. Almost as out of time as Captain America but without the frozen in ice bit that explains him. Main ability: Look ridiculously good in a catsuit.
• Hawkeye: Showed up for a moment there in the Thor movie. If you blinked you missed it. This guy is a really good sniper who likes to use a bow. So he makes up for having no superpowers by using a really stupid weapon. He didn’t even make it on the picture on top. Main ability: Make Captain America seem less useless.
• Nick Fury: Showed up in the extended scenes of all the previous movies and advertised this one. He’s not part of the Avengers but instead leads the fictional super defense organization S.H.I.E.L.D. (Supremely Homophobic Irritating Extremist Lefthanded Douchebags) that provides the Avengers with all their resources and a headquarters that’s custom build to spectacularly crash into cities. Main ability: Be the only character to show up in Fantastic Four “Rise of the Silver Surfer” and not have his brandname ruined by it.

And that ladies and gents is your cast for the Avengers. One could argue that there are four more core members of the group but one of those can turn really small and the other has the power to be an abusive husband so they might not even count as B-List anymore. At least the useless guy they chose.

If things go Marvel’s way this will be the last time anyone will ever be curious on who the Avengers are. They already have a full six movies invested to putting these guys on the map and so far it seems to be working. Today you’ve heard of Iron Man, tomorrow you know that the Black Widow’s name is Natasha and maybe in a few years when someone says superhero the pictures in our kids’ minds won’t be Superman but Thor. Marvel isn’t just trying to make money with a successful movie. They’re trying to improve the worth of their intellectual property and establish a mainstream demand for their product. In a sense they’re trying to change the icons of our culture.

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