Is Obama Using Sorcery to Bring About the Apocalypse
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Let’s face it. Christians are nuts. I don’t know if America’s Christians are crazier than say, Poland’s Christians, but I suspect that to be the case. After all, in Poland, the standing joke is how many Polish Christians does it take to make a crown of thorns? Answer: All those who love roses. So, it goes without saying the Poles just aren’t as fanatic as our homegrown Bible Bangers.
So, when I read this little gem from Jesus’ General, I knew there had to be a grain of truth here. Prepare to be afraid, very afraid:
First, they grabbed Our Savior’s foreskin. Then, they stole fragments of His crucifixion cross. A few months later, they violated the reliquary that held St Brigid’s jawbone. And now, they’ve absconded with St. Laurence O’Toole’s heart.
Who are they? Who would steal such sacred Catholic relics? And why would they do it, especially in this age when you can obtain Jesus’ immaculate face by simply making a piece of toast or frying up a tortilla?
The question of “who” can be easily answered by solving the question of “why.” Look at the list of stolen relics: Jesus’ foreskin, three pieces of the cross, and a saint’s jawbone and heart. The items are four of the five ingredients needed to turn a willow branch into the Great and Horrible Pointed Stick of Andromalius–the weapon the Antichrist will use to begin the apocalypse by taunting the Lord’s champion while repeatedly poking him in his secret parts.
As of now, the fifth ingredient, St. Anthony’s tongue, is tucked away deep inside a basilica in Padua, Italy. But it isn’t safe there. The Antichrist, Barack Fluke Obama, is using the dark power of contraceptives to pressure the Catholic Bishops into surrendering the saint’s tongue. Sure, it might appear as if he’s denied their demand to impose God’s law on their gentile employees, but being the Antichrist, he’s crafty–he’s merely applying pressure until they slip him their sacred tongue.
Many, many thanks to Jesus’ General for this hilarious, in a holy sort of way, little story.
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I remember reading that saveral churches in Europe boasted of having the head of John the Baptizer, and one claimed to have the head of John the Baptist, as a young man. (Possibly an apocryphal story) “This review is from: The Cave of John the Baptist: The Stunning Archaeological Discovery that has Redefined Christian History (Hardcover)
In the first part of “The Cave of John the Baptist” Shimon Gibson tells the story of an excavation to uncover a very interesting cave located in the hills outside of Jerusalem….The discussion of extant Holy Relics of John is amusing as well as interesting, as Gibson lists “nineteen heads…and something in the order of fifteen hands or arms…” Gibson relates the story of British archaeologist Peter Dorrell, who on a visit to the Great Umayyad Mosque in Damascus mentioned to the caretaker of the shrine of the Head of John the Baptist that other sites also claimed to have the Head of the Baptist; the response was “Ah yes, but ours is the Head of John the Baptist as a young man!”
Our Lord’s foreskin was stolen in 1983. The link is in the post I linked to.
Isn’t it a bit dried out, shriveled and shrunken now that its over 2000 years old, and why the f*** would they want that particular part of his body. Geez, people are really strange.
“First, they grabbed Our Savior’s foreskin.” WTF Its still around?
ROFLMAO!!! Apparently 🙂
“As of now, the fifth ingredient, St. Anthony’s tongue, is tucked away deep inside a basilica in Padua, Italy. But it isn’t safe there. The Antichrist, Barack Fluke Obama, is using the dark power of contraceptives to pressure the Catholic Bishops into surrendering the saint’s tongue. Sure, it might appear as if he’s denied their demand to impose God’s law on their gentile employees, but being the Antichrist, he’s crafty–he’s merely applying pressure until they slip him their sacred tongue.”
LOL! I actually saw St. Tony’s tongue when I visited the duomo in Padova, Italy. As I approched the reliquary by the altar, I saw a small, dried, prune-like object within it. On reading the little plaque attached to the reliquary, I was horrified to learn it was his tongue! WTF?! On other travels through Italy, I also saw St. Catherine of Siena’s preserved head! and visited the church where St. Peter’s supposed bones are buried in Rome.
Freakin’ weird!
ROFL..”All those who love roses” This whole thing is a riot. Love the general …
ROFL! This is Monty Python-esque and then some!!! More more!