What if there were a President Rick Santorum

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My fellow Americans,

Thank you for your faith in my ability to save our great nation from the evils of socialism, secularism, communism, governmentism and Democracy. Your votes prove that our vision for this amazing Christian country are more powerful than the evils of liberalism. Today, we bring the change.

To American women, I say, do not be afraid of a patriarchal society. For the ten thousand years that Earth has existed, men have ruled over beasts and women. We must maintain that balance-men rule and women tend the hearth. This is what God Himself demanded of us, and America must follow His laws. During the next 12 years of my presidency, women will no longer need birth control, a college education or jobs. We men will take that burden from you, and you will be able to perform the tasks for which you were created: giving birth, cleaning, cooking and home schooling.

To the American poor, I say, you do not need socialist, liberal safety nets. Under my presidency, we will be creating work camps, similar to the camps we created for the Japanese in the 1940’s. Poor people will live and work in these camps, and a portion of each paycheck will go to fund programs more beneficial to America than welfare, food stamps and free school lunches. Rest assured, you will be helping America rid the world of tyrants and despots like Iran, Iraq, Syria and France.

To the homosexuals, I say, we will work with you and cure you of your horrible and evil ways. You are sinners, living a sinful lifestyle, and under my presidency, we will not rest until there are no more homosexuals in America. Dr. Marcus Bachmann will be heading the newly created Department of Recuperative Therapy, along with Bryan Fischer, Tony Perkins, Ann Coulter and Sean Hannity. We promise real America; this will be your tax dollars at work to cure the evils of homosexuality.

Illegal Mexicans? Pack your bags, you’re going home. No longer will you steal jobs from hard working Americans. We will not stand for this anymore. If a white, Christian man cannot find a job during MY presidency, it’s not going to be because of illegal immigrants. Odds are, he’s not really white.

We will close the Department of Education and turn all public schools into prisons. Secular private schools will also be closed, and those buildings will be sold to General Dynamics, Boeing, Lockheed Martin and other defense contractors. We are honored to have former vice president, Dick Cheney heading the new Department of Aggressively Creating a Christian Democracy All Over the World.

As to non-Christians. I want to be fair, so my newly created Department of Religious Intolerance will give all non-Christians, except for Orthodox Jews, one week to leave the country. Now, now, we need the Jews because of the Covenant of Abraham. Focus on the bigger picture. An America free of Atheists, Buddhists, Wiccans, witches and warlocks, bent on our destruction. In this vein, I have been told that we cannot force liberals and Democrats out of the country. However, we can require them, thanks to the new Conservative or Bust Law, to register and vote Republican. If they choose not to do this, they will be arrested. This is why we need all the new prisons.

Once again, thank you, white, Conservative, Christian America, for electing me, Rick Santorum, president of this wonderful country. I look forward to creating the America we all dream of and reclaiming our Western Heritage. God Bless the White, Christian United States of America. And in the words of our newest leader of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, John McCain: Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb bomb IRAN! Go get ‘em!

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About Post Author

Erin Nanasi

Erin Nanasi is an avid underwater basket weaver, with a penchant for satire and the odd wombat reference.
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Bill Formby
12 years ago

Erin, have you watched the movie “Escape From L.A.” with Kurt Russell. If not you should. You could easily write the sequel.

Erin Nanasi
Reply to  Bill Formby
12 years ago

I love that movie. I leave the screenwriting to people with longer attention spans. 🙂

Shawna486
12 years ago

This scares me gal, and it could happen because there are so many crazies in our country. Brrrrr…

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