In between a rock and a cleaning lady

Read Time:3 Minute, 15 Second

Our own illustrious Mad Mike and I were having a pleasant phone chat this past Friday when he asked me to hold on. I heard him talking to someone, and knowing his inamorata was in Ohio, my first thought was good lord, he taught one of the dogs to speak English. (If anyone could, it’s Mad Mike.) He came back to the phone.

“Sorry, that was my cleaning lady.”

Pause.

“You have a cleaning lady?”

“Yep. I’m between wives right now, so I need a cleaning lady.”

P A U S E.

Now, according to Mad Mike, he is the male Elizabeth Taylor, claiming 7 ex-wives. Maybe he’s a modern day Bluebeard, and there’s a secret closet in his home no one has ever found. I don’t think he has 7 ex-wives, but if he makes that cleaning lady comment to them, perhaps he does.

Mad Mike says he will “always be between wives.” How to interpret that statement. He will marry again, divorce or murder again? (Kidding about the murder, I’m sure they were all killed in industrial accidents.) Or he will never get married again, unless it’s to a cleaning lady? Oh, the confusion!

Mike will marry again, and the new future ex Mrs. Scott will have the patience of a saint, a laugh that makes flowers bloom and the personality of a goddess + a scientist + a cowgirl + an MMA fighter. The perfect woman. Until something goes terribly wrong, and she ends up in the closet…I mean court. Oops.

Mike has no free time, since he spends most of it supervising the cleaning lady. I wanted to help him, and I have written his wedding vows for his next marriage ceremony. I worked almost 15 minutes on these, so suck it up and read them.

Scene: A pasture, filled with wild flowers. Guests sit on wooden backed chairs, as Mike, resplendent in a Mad Mike’s America tee shirt stands across from Julie, who is dressed like Princess Buttercup. Officiating this afternoon, we have Pastor Bubba of the Universal Life Church. Pastor Bubba speaks to the crowd:

“Friends, Mike and Julie have written their own vows today, and in keeping with my respect and fear (awkward laughter) of Mr. Scott, we’ll begin with his.”

Clearing his throat, Mike begins to speak, with somber tones and darting glares at the guests.

“Julie, for over 40 years, I have watched as people disrespected my basic needs; ironed jeans, a clean toilet, well sorted socks. Now that you have agreed to work…marry me, I am overjoyed. You are the answer to an atheist’s prayer. Wait. Anyway, I am truly inspired by the way you clean crumbs out of the toaster and gently wipe out the bathroom sink after you brush your teeth. There is nothing more soothing than hearing Clorox wipes being ripped out of their yellow container, and knowing you are about to turn the kitchen into a NASA clean room.

When we muck out the stables together, I feel closer to you than I have ever felt to my dogs. I promise to love, honor and cherish you, and to never make a mess too big for you to clean up. I promise to almost never take you for granted, and finally, I promise you will never wind up in the closet. I mean court. There’s no closet. Jesus, who the hell came up with that? There’s NO CLOSET.”

*I was given permission to write this. In truth, I love and respect Mad Mike a great deal, and think of him as a part of our family. That cleaning lady comment made me swallow my gum, however. So, payback, and senior columnists, can be a bitch. GRIN.

Follow MadMike’sAmerica on Facebook and Twitter, and don’t forget to visit our HOME PAGE.

About Post Author

Erin Nanasi

Erin Nanasi is an avid underwater basket weaver, with a penchant for satire and the odd wombat reference.
Happy
Happy
0 %
Sad
Sad
0 %
Excited
Excited
0 %
Sleepy
Sleepy
0 %
Angry
Angry
0 %
Surprise
Surprise
0 %
0 0 votes
Article Rating
Subscribe
Notify of

7 Comments
Newest
Oldest Most Voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Admin
11 years ago

I just noticed that my cleaning lady failed to clean the top of the refrigerator. That warrants a partial forfeiture of pay and several steely looks 🙂

greenlight
Reply to  Professor Mike
11 years ago

Mr. Mad, I could be wrong, but I’m not sure that the top of that refrigerator has been cleaned since sometime around wife #2. If I were the cleaning lady, I wouldn’t have touched it either. 🙂

Reply to  greenlight
11 years ago

Wait, there’s a TOP? Oh dear lord.

Bill Formby
Reply to  Professor Mike
11 years ago

Mr. Mike, I failed to see where the maid had to have your evening glass of JW neatly poured beside your favorite chair. Other than that, all seems well. 🙂

greenlight
11 years ago

So I shouldn’t have just tossed those heavy bags I found in the closet? Oops, my bad.

You hit the other details of life on the ranch spot-on, down to the MadMike’s tee, somber tones, and darting glares (although I prefer the descriptor “steely”). I do love Mr. Mad’s steely eyes, so it was my pleasure to organize his sock drawer the last time I was there… (What? Who doesn’t love an organized sock drawer?)

Just one minor correction though–nobody, and I mean nobody, gets closer to Mr. Mad than his dogs. To suggest otherwise would be the atheist’s equivalent of “blasphemy.”

What a fun read. 🙂

11 years ago

Checked every dictionary I could find for “immorata,” but found nothing other than references to my favorite rock singer, “Noah Vale.”

BD.

Reply to  bitcodavid
11 years ago

That’s because I spelled it wrong. It’s “inamorata.” I knew I left a letter or two out.

Previous post Naked Governor Fights Bears to Save Bird Feeders
Next post John McNeil, George Zimmerman and Stand Your Ground
7
0
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x
()
x