For the ladies: Erin’s guide to preparing for summer

The halcyon days of summer are almost upon us, which means hair removal, using a belt sander on our winter feet and bathing suits. Yes, it’s time to squeeze our pasty bodies into Lycra and whatever other mystery fabric “they” make bathing suits from, and realize we gained a wee bit of weight over the winter. Yee frigging hah.

Think back to your early twenties. A concave stomach, well defined arms, an ass that didn’t have one ounce of cellulite and no turkey neck. I don’t care how much you exercise, if you’re over 40, you have cellulite, and your ass has fallen. Of course, if you have work done, though the miracles of science and technology, you can look exactly the same as you did on your 21st birthday. Which no one will ever question.

I have some tips for getting ready for summer that don’t include plastic surgery or bulimia. They do involve a little work, a small expenditure, patience and the Internet.

1) Hair removal. Many women like myself have been cursed with fair skin and dark leg hair. It’s a really depressing combination. In the winter, it doesn’t matter. When you’re wearing flannel lined jeans, two pairs of socks and boots, who cares if you have leg hair? Once the temperature starts to rise, and you realize that you can’t get away with long pants for much longer, it’s time to grit your teeth and shave. There are other hair removal options, like waxing or depilatories, but those can be a little wonky. Waxing is insanely painful. I’ve done it once myself and had it done once in a spa. Oh hell no. I don’t care if it lasts a month, there is no way I am ever doing that again. If you have sensitive skin, depilatories won’t work. You will wind up with red bumps and irritated skin, AND you can’t go out in the sun for at least 8 hours after using them. So, shaving is the least expensive and least painful method.

2) The pasty skin of winter. I know, we’ve all been told tanning is bad, tanning causes skin cancer, tanning will kill you and make you look like Jan Brewer. But it looks so pretty! Fake tan to the rescue. No, not QT. Oh God, remember QT? There were millions of John Boehner-wannabes walking around, thinking we were all that and a bag of chips, when in reality, we really looked like Cheetos. I use Jergens’ self tanning moisturizer in medium-to-tan. It turns your skin a natural brown, it smells yummy and it really lasts. Some products now combine SPF with self tanner, but make sure you check. Remember-if it doesn’t contain sunscreen, you need to use at least SPF 15 before you expose your skin to the sun. Also, exfoliate before applying. Since shaving exfoliates, using a self tanner after shaving works beautifully. Just wash your hands when you’re done.

3) Feet of clay. I was only slightly joking about the belt sander. After a winter of dry skin and very little exposure to light, women’s (and men’s) feet look horrible. It’s pedicure time, and this is where the Internet comes in handy. If you, like most of us, cannot afford a professional pedicure, there are hundreds of sites that walk you through an at-home pedicure. You can use natural ingredients, like olive oil and sea salt to scrub your heels and other rough spots, or you can purchase kits at your local drug store that have everything you need to take your feet from scary to pretty in about half an hour.

4) How to lose 20 pounds in 2 weeks. Yeah, that’s crap, kids. Unless you come down with mono, you cannot lose 20 pounds in 2 weeks. The average woman in American is a size 12. We need to just deal with that, and find bathing suits that flatter and slim, while we eat better and exercise a little more. Lands End has the best bathing suits in the world, in my opinion. There are also Miracle Suits, which claim to make you look like you lost weight and are a size smaller than you actually are. I can not find one that doesn’t look like something my grandmother would wear, so I avoid those. A friend tried one last season, and told me the reason they make you look thinner is because they have a corset-like constriction effect, and make it hard to breathe. I think she was kidding.

Thanks to advertisers, women think we have to look like Sports Illustrated swimsuit models every summer. Men, on the other hand, can have Rush Limbaugh man boobs, a hair carpet on their backs, and a pot belly that shades their knees, yet they wear a Speedo and think they look fabulous. Hey, guys? You DON’T look fabulous. Hammocks are for trees not testicles.

What do you do to get ready for summer? Drink? Cry? Or do you love yourself enough to be perfectly happy with who you are and how you look? Let us know, here at Mad Mike’s America. (I’m the latter, believe it or not. Except for the shaving. Gorilla legs, folks, it’s not pretty.)

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