The story of K: A beautiful work in progress

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I first noticed that there was something really *wrong* when I cut myself for the first time. I cut a little too deep, and got scared – so I went upstairs and got cornered by my mother. She saw the blood dripping down my hand and forced me to show her what I had done to myself.

A very LONG and distressing conversation ensued, and suffice it to say – I was not able to explain why i did what I did. I couldn’t explain that no, I wasn’t suicidal – just very, very upset. I was promptly sent to the doctor the next day and sat in uncomfortable silence while the doctor tried to pry a reason for cutting myself out of me.

I have seen: 4 counselors, 1 psychologist, 2 psychiatrists and 1 “art therapist” in the last 20 years. Ironically, it was the very first counselor that I saw who hit the nail on the head, and was closest to a diagnosis, whereas one psychiatrist told me to “go out and get laid” in response to the death of my baby. Not exactly the best support system.

It was actually my sister who was diagnosed first, and once she told me what her diagnosis was, I immediately started researching BPD, and insisted on a diagnosis for myself. When I was finally told that, yes, I was indeed a Borderline, I was at first relieved – finally!!! An answer to why I hurt myself, freaked out whenever a relationship was troubled or downright dangerous, and wondering why I didn’t just LEAVE for crying out loud. A reason why I hated myself so much I was willing to scar myself physically and mentally. A reason why I let my mother hurt me repeatedly.

Once the relief of the diagnosis wore off, I was worried. From what I read, I was destined to be alone, depressed and constantly emotionally distressed. My psychiatrist prescribed me medication: Seroquil, and Wellbutrin. The Seroquil was an anti-psychotic, and the Wellbutrin was an anti-depressant. Once the meds kicked in, I felt some semblance of calm, and was able to function marginally.

I was signed up for the Dialetical Behavior Training for a few weeks, then took the follow up refresher course. Both helped a lot, because it helped me see that I wasn’t useless, I wasn’t hopeless, I wasn’t a bad person, and I deserved to be happy. I was skeptical to begin with as I had been down this road before, and based on past experiences, not holding my breath for a resolution. I would highly recommend the DBT training for those others who are suffering, because it helps us learn to moderate our intense emotions, to achieve “Wise Mind”.

Now, I will be the first person to tell you that it was HARD to learn a different way of behaving, as well as thinking. To quote a popular song : “It’s like trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum.” I just did not get it. Isn’t it easier to think in black and white? It is either one or the other – there is no in-between. Not so, according to the DBT course. There is a middle. Trying to understand that was the hardest part of learning the training. It was almost like my brain literally could not process the subject matter.

I have since learned that one of the best ways to deal with extreme intense emotion is to STOP. THINK. BREATHE. Learning to put on the emotional brakes before things spiral out of control. Ground yourself. Give yourself time to let the emotional “flood” ebb, and not let the feelings get out of control. It’s very hard to do sometimes, especially when one has spent the majority of life in almost constant distress. When I am able to suppress my immediate “fight or flight” response, I can almost always avoid catastrophe.

Another mechanism that is integral to a better life with BPD is a familial support system. I stress “familial”, simply because those who live with us are most affected by the extreme measures we take when we flood. Personally, I don’t have many friends who have seen the “real” me. It’s hard for some people to understand exactly how badly this changes life for a BPD sufferer, and family members are the ones who are most drastically effected.

Two of my closest and best support systems are my husband and my sister. My sister, because the is a Borderline as well. She has been there, done that, and knows how to deal with my stormy emotional weather. Don’t get me wrong, it’s hard to talk to her sometimes, just because sometimes we are both in the mire, and it’s hard to support someone when you’re drowning yourself.

My husband however, has been in the trenches and seen me at my absolute lowest. He has come home from work on so many occasions to take care of me too many times to count. He has cleaned my wounds when all I can do is sit there and cry. He has talked me down, lifted me up and is the one person I can turn to whenever I need it. I have to admit, when we first started dating, we broke up so many times it was like trying to paint a sinking ship.

I don’t know how he managed to live with my depression, my anger, my rage, my sadness, threats of suicide, and overall emotional instability, but he did. When I was diagnosed, he read the books, did the research and dug in for the long haul. Don’t get me wrong, we still have issues, and blowups where a hospital visit (on my part) are necessary, but he’s still here after almost 16 years of being together.

I credit him with being able to swallow his frustration and ego, and be able to admit when he’s wrong. It is so important to me that he does this simply because whenever we would argue, he wouldn’t admit to any error on his behalf. This made me feel like I was stupid, over-emotional, and well….insane sometimes. He has recently (in the last 2 years or so) been able to admit that he might be wrong, that my feelings DO count – even if they are, at the time disorganized.

It was my husband who said “You have a point, you are right, I want to make this better so I will hug you instead of fighting with you. I love you, and I will never leave you.” And he does. Every time. I might not be receptive immediately, I have to wait for the “flood” to recede. But, after things have calmed down, and I feel ashamed for losing it – he talks to me, reassures me and most of all loves me.

I am not a “Borderline” to him. I am the woman he loves, will never leave and will always be there for me. I can’t stress how important it is that we have a spouse who is able to do these things. I know there are BPD sufferers out there who are cursing me out, as unstable relationships are a hallmark of BPD life. The important thing to a loving relationship is honesty. On both parts. He knows exactly what I am capable of – the good, bad and ugly. Because I love him, I try my hardest to control my destructive urges *before* they happen, not after. We BPD’s are notorious for losing it, and then being consumed with wracking guilt after.

If the brakes can be applied *before* this happens, the outcome is assured – they won’t leave you. Don’t get me wrong, I often snap, but it is how I am treated and cared for that makes these instances fewer and fewer. I don’t expect to be cured. I don’t think my life will ever be “normal”, but one thing, I am sure of is that I can make it through.

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About Post Author

Erin Nanasi

Erin Nanasi is an avid underwater basket weaver, with a penchant for satire and the odd wombat reference.
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K
11 years ago

Thank you to Erin for letting me write about BPD, and thank you to all the wonderful people here and in my life who support and love me!!

Admin
11 years ago

Standing by each other makes the vows meaningful…in sickness and in health. So many just mumble the words and then there are those who speak them clearly in mind and spirit. Wonderful story and congratulations K. Keep on keeping on…

Lee the Bee
11 years ago

@RickRay ~ No one deserves to be treated with disrespect or to be physically or emotionally abused. There’s a huge difference between being an abuser and suffering from an illness such as BPD. It’s just that ~ an illness. Like all illnesses, it needs to be treated. Can you imagine going through life with such feelings of worthlessness and agony that you need to cut yourself? Wondering what’s “wrong” with you every single day? Having the people you love not even being able to understand? Most people when they’re hurting tend to take out their anger and frustration on the people they love the most. Once diagnosed, K has done everything in her power to change her life. To learn how to deal with her illness and she has found a loving husband who wants to be by her side to support her, love her, and comfort her. In my opinion, this story is full of encouragement for people suffering from BPD and their loved ones. You’re living you life single and enjoying it ~ that’s great that you made the decision that you deserve better, a lot of people aren’t capable of making those choices. K and her husband have chosen to stand by each other, take things day by day, and learn to manage her illness. That speaks volumes as to the wonderful and dedicated husband she has. Congratulations on taking that first step K. I look forward to following your progress and seeing you fulfill your dreams with the one you love 🙂

Reply to  Lee the Bee
11 years ago

Lee, “K” is an amazing woman, filled with hope and strength. It took a lot of courage for her to agree for her story to be published. Thank you for your loving words, I will make certain she sees them.

K
Reply to  Erin Nanasi
11 years ago

Big thank you to Erin for giving me the opportunity to talk about this. And thank you so much for the support! It means A LOT to me. 🙂

11 years ago

Sorry, but I saw my step-dad go through the kind of roller coaster life with my mother that you describe your husband going through with you. For the life of me I could not see why he stayed with her. She treated him as lower than slime. When my wife started treating me like a slave, I wanted to stay in the marriage just for the kids. Eventually, it just didn’t work, we were both too miserable. Nothing was ever good enough for her, just like I remember my mother being towards my step-dad. Today I’m single, happy, have a few good friends, and will never live with anyone again. Men and women are just too different!

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