What NOT to do for Mother’s Day
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May 13th is Mother’s Day, that most special of holidays when children, young and old, say thank you to the woman who went through two days of labor bringing their ungrateful asses into this world. Sorry. Let’s start over.
May 13th is Mother’s Day, that most special of holidays when children, young and old, reflect on the amazing woman who is their mother. Her laughter makes the angels sing, her smile rivals the sun, her screams of anger when you accidentally light your toothbrush on fire in a candle, then try to extinguish the flames on the couch, can make birds drop dead from the sky. As children, we should just be thankful she didn’t kill us when she had the chance.
To honor mothers everywhere, retailers spend BILLIONS of dollars trying to convince guilt ridden children that spending oodles of cash will make up for the time you drove over her foot learning to shift from first into fifth, or the vacation when you insisted on bringing your girl/boyfriend, broke up with them on the plane ride there, and ruined a $6,000 trip to Walt Disney World for everyone.
It won’t work. Nothing you do will ever fully heal the wounds mothers suffer at the hands of the ingrates we call “those little shits.” But, as both a daughter and a mother, I want to share with you what absolutely, positively NOT TO DO for Mother’s Day.
1) Do not tell your mother “We’re going out for seafood!” and wind up at Long John Silver’s. Also, “We’re going out for Mexican” and driving to Taco Johns is a big no-no.
2) Do not buy her lingerie. Okay, Oedipus?
3) Nothing having to do with doctors. What I mean by that is do not give her a coupon for a free colonoscopy. Ever.
4) I don’t care if she is so incontinent that she makes the Hoover Dam wince-do not get her Poise Pads, Depends undergarments, or anything having to do with pee.
5) Do not give her food poisoning. The first time I ever met my now mother-in-law (whom I adore), we took her to brunch for Mother’s Day. She had a few drinks, and eggs Benedict. Between the alcohol and the undercooked egg, she was sick for 2 days. And yet, she loves me. It could have gone the other way, and I would still be single. No salmonella.
6) As appealing as it is in this current economy, don’t buy her jewelry at K-Mart. We all want to save a buck, but when her finger turns green and swells up to the size of a banana, do you really think she will ever forgive you? Not a chance in hell.
7) Please, and I mean this from the bottom of my heart, please do not even consider purchasing her gym equipment, a Thigh-Master (do they even make those anymore?), Nutri-System, Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers memberships. What you are saying with those gifts is “Mom, you’re fat as a cow.”
8) Any sort of “…a-month club” is despised. The last thing mothers need are mystery novels or spoons with pictures of castles around the world or teddy bears coming every flipping month. Food-of-the-month is an option, but make certain you do not order food she cannot eat in some lame attempt at “Oh, God, Mom! I’m so sorry, I’ll take it.” She’ll see right through that, dear.
For the most part, Mother’s Day is a celebration of the bond between mother and child. Mother’s Day is also a day of atonement, and if you do it correctly, you may be able to soothe the savage beast called Mom. Here’s what TO do: write her a letter, make dinner, clean the house, take the kids away for a few hours, leaving Mom with a box of chocolate, some Bailey’s liquer and a few Brad Pitt movies.
I’m getting gardening gloves. My son will probably forget it’s Mother’s Day entirely, and my husband will make me waffles. I already own a Brad Pitt movie. Now I just need booze.
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My mom, while approaching the century mark, is alive, well and spry as a … dang I forgot what she’s as spry as but you get the point. Once I gave her that fruit of the month club thing and next year she begged me to please don’t do anymore of those every month things. I enjoyed this little story. Thanks.
I once gave my mom a Peanuts card that had Linus on the front, saying “On Mother’s Day, I’ve ordered you a singing telegram!”
On the inside was Snoopy, singing loudly, “The old gray mare, she ain’t what she used to be….”
I thought the card was hilarious. It was days before my mom spoke to me again….
Since my own mother passed I give the gift of time to both my aunts. They get housecleaning services to be used when they want it. Funny thing, they ask for that for all major holidays too and their birthdays. I think they just are lazy asses and don’t want to clean their houses but that’s just me thinking again 🙂
My mom passed away 3 and a half years ago, and I always remembered to send really, REALLY nice flowers. I would love a one-time house cleaning service. They could clean under my son’s bed.