A History of One Million Moms
Read Time:4 Minute, 12 Second
In 2008, two women, Shelly Jukes and Maribel Kallikak, were given wrong directions to a nightclub featuring a Liberace impersonator. They wound up at Krave, a popular Las Vegas gay nightclub. Having been raised in Overland Park, Kansas, both Jukes and Kallikak were extremely conservative, attended the same Pentecostal church, and at the age of 30, were both virgins. But, knowing what they did about Las Vegas, where they were participating in a Christian jewelry convention, Shelly and Maribel thought they would be all right, as long as they averted their eyes and repeated Bible passages over and over again, out loud.
Krave was what Shelly and Maribel expected-lots of fog, expensive Diet Rite soda and pretty people. Now, Shelly and Maribel believed themselves to be attractive; after all, that handsome Elvis impersonator had invited them both back to his trailer for a snack, and they were prepared to get “hit on,” as Pastor Beasley had warned would happen. But in Krave, nothing happened. The men were very good looking, albeit strangely dressed, but not one of them seemed to be interested in Shelly or Maribel. A few women walked by the ladies, but only snickered, and tiptoed away. As Jukes and Kallikak watched in horror, the two men next to them at the bar grabbed each other’s hands and moved onto the dance floor.
Shelly and Maribel, sickened to the core by the homosexual lifestyle they had been forced to watch for over three hours and deeply hurt that no one had even spoken to them during their Krave ordeal, went home to Kansas, licking their wounds. And that’s when the American Family Association found them and convinced Jukes and Kallikak to channel their disgust and injured pride into One Million Moms.
One Million Moms is, according to their own statements, an extremely Christian and extremely loving organization of one million predominantly white women, many of whom are unmarried and middle aged. OMM’s goal is to eradicate the sin of homosexuality from the Earth, using very effective petitions and boycotts that, more often than not, fail miserably. They won’t stop, according to Shelly Jukes, until every single person in America is only buying clothes at Cabela, watching nothing but the Christian Broadcast Network and eating their weight in starch. OMM maintains that starch is the straightest food in the world.
Jukes and Kallikak are proud of One Million Mom’s 45,000 Facebook members who took it upon themselves to boycott the following companies, although in at least two cases, the boycott actually helped the company OMM intended to “shut down.” JC Penney, The GAP, Macy’s, Starbucks Coffee, Urban Outfitters, and most recently, DC Comics have all found themselves besieged with at least 2 petitions and one really badly spelled email from one of the 45,000 One Million Moms. These companies promote the homosexual lifestyle by selling clothes that gay people wear, selling coffee gay people drink and joining the 21st century by creating fictional male comic book characters who get married. OMM also hates “Glee.”
Ellen Degeneres, openly lesbian talk show host, was hired by the evil and leftist company, J C Penney as their national spokesperson. 45,000 Moms called for an IMMEDIATE boycott, which led to a Facebook page called “One Million People Who Support Ellen for J C Penney”, and that page quickly gained more members than One Million Moms on Facebook, and nearly 50,000 new people joined GLAAD. Jukes and Kallikak are not swayed by this supposed lack of support from Americans, saying in a press release to Weekly World News “We will never stop. Shelly desperately needs new capris, after the weight gain during the Starbucks’s boycott, and we’re going to Wal-Mart to buy American! Yes, those pants are made in China, but darn it, they’re sold in America! We support companies like Wal-Mart who love America and won’t hire any lesbian or homosexual as their spokesperson. Heck, Wal-Mart won’t even sell gay music!” Upon learning Wal-Mart sells Adam Lambert and Clay Aiken CD’s, Maribel ran screaming from the room, and Shelly fainted.
One Million Moms is a grass roots organization, into which the AFA funnels millions of dollars. Shelly Jukes and Maribel Kallikak are proud of their group, proud of their Facebook members and hope someday, to actually have one million moms. For now, they’ll settle for 45,000 and a Dr. Pepper.
Note: This is satire. The actual self professed spokesperson for One Million Moms is a woman named Monica Cole. I have no idea if she was dissed at Krave and that’s what led her to be such a hateful and small minded woman. Thanks to the Huffington Post for the Facebook numbers.
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Other day the 1 million harpee shrews went to go update their book of faces page to pen some anti (insert whatever here) and managed to delete their whole deal on the book of faces. They have created a new thing, where you can actually go tell them about the trash in the media, so I obliged and told them I see Tony Perkins on my tee vee machine once in a while and he is a hateful, intolerant man they need to do something about. Here is the link, below, if you want to do something just as juvenile 🙂 Oh and as a comic book reader these idiots pissed me off with their total ignorance about Green Lantern. Everybody knows, well they should, that there is more than one of them. That is all.
http://onemillionmoms.com/
If you hadn’t of said it was satire … I was thinking I actually might know who these ladies were … and THAT was horrifying!
It is great satire Erin and probably anywhere else in the world I would busting out laughing. Unfortunately here in the good old U. S. of A. it is scarily too much of the truth to be funny.