Mitt Romney’s press release

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Dateline: The Hamptons

Earlier this week, Mitt Romney surprised reporters by wandering into the press pool, and handing out a piece of paper. Moments after Romney’s strange antics, an intern identified as Kitty Von Spank The Money ran into the room, screaming “NO OH MY GOD NO,” and proceeded to stage dive into the group of journalists, ripping said piece of paper from their hands. Two copies were saved, one thanks to Jack Doe, who shoved it up his own rectum. Jack rushed to the headquarters of Mad Mike’s America, here In Cognito, and we, after donning hazmat suits, are thrilled to share it with you.

For Immediate Release:

I am Mitt Romney, and I approved this press release. The federal minimum wage is hurting Americans. Okay, not all Americans, but the people that count. My friend, Ron Perelman, cannot hire a landscape artist to trim his 14 cheekbone-shaped topiary, thanks to the federal minimum wage. Ronnie cannot afford to pay 425 Mexicans $7.25 an hour and still maintain his lifestyle. That’s not fair. My own beloved wife, Ann’s personal grooming team only makes $2.65 an hour, but we help them by holding seminars in the basement of one of our homes every month on applying for Welfare. Once I’m president, of course, there’ll be no more Welfare, so we will happily reinstate family bowling night.

Poor people simply don’t understand what a drain it is on us, the people who matter, when they beg for more money. It’s quite unpleasant to walk out of Hermes in Manhattan and have to step over some silly homeless person who looks like Eddie Murphy in “Trading Places.” Now that’s a fantastic movie. Except for the end. Rich people do things like that all the time, and we should never be punished for it. You don’t need more money, you simply need to lower your standards.

When I was a missionary, I saw families of 10 living in shacks made of mud and tree branches. They were happy. Their children did not need to attend school, since they were only destined for fieldwork. That sort of work ethic does not exist here in America. Mothers, perfectly happy to stay home and care for the children, as God intended. That’s what we need again. And we will never attain that while we have a federal minimum wage.

Here is some basic rich person math. If Ron could hire those Mexican landscape artists at, say $1.00 an hour, he would save $6.25 every hour, per illegal. Multiply that by 425, and Ron saves $2,656.25 an hour. Now, multiply that figure by 12 (the hours the illegals would work, without a break) and you get $31,875. Almost $32,000 a day that Ron would save, thus enabling him to purchase another Bentley or a bottle of fine wine, and creating jobs. Someone has to build that Bentley and stomp those French grapes, and that creates jobs right here in America.

In closing, let me state that I am planning to ask Michele Bachmann to be my vice president. I find her charming, honest, a fantastic American patriot, a true Christian, with a heart of gold. She understands the plight of the truly wealthy in this country and she has pledged to help my administration eradicate the poor from our shores. Yes, liberals seem to think we need to take of the poor, especially when it comes to paying them, but to that I say: We are the United States of America, and we believe in rugged individualism, pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps and financing your college education by selling stocks. If you refuse to live the way we, the job creators, wish you to live, we will simply let you rot.

Serfs serve no purpose but to serve their masters.

Thank you.