Fear and Stagnation

One of the things that was driven into our minds was that our parents saw us as primarily one thing, a tool. A tool for work, for compliments, and for their own perverse gratifications. Because of this we learned that to survive, we had to be what they wanted.

While a child often will naturally seek to please their caretakers, they are also selfish entities. They understand their own needs first and those of others second. But sometimes those who have the responsibility to raise the child right cannot control their own needs. The scale ranges wide but the further leaning towards selfishness, the greater potential for harm. How this affects a child can range equally wide.

As our DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) progressed, a conflict between action and inaction became the result for some of us. Fear to move became a way of life. When there is little that can be done to consistently please those who have power over you, it becomes increasingly hard to determine what should be done. What worked one time may lead to a harsh punishment another. Second guessing ourselves became a way of life. Those that took this path would question every action over and over.

The eventual result was inaction through this internal conflict . Sometimes this worked in our favor as it kept us out of sight. If we went unnoticed then there would be less chance of something bad occurring to us. Each action had to be weighed carefully. Any misstep could potentially lead to more trauma.

To further complicate things, we were taught that we were the ‘source’ of so many problems in our parents life. From our father blaming us for our own existence to our mother’s wild mood swings and constant assigning of blame. As such we learned to think of ourselves as prime movers and passive observers at once. Unable to affect what was around us while also constantly considering our actions as a source of problems for others.

These are burdens that no one should carry, child or adult. A child who knows fear as a way of life will not be able to succeed as easily as those who understand that everyone has a responsibility for their own actions and not for those of others. The fear of making a wrong move does not lend itself well to survival as an adult either. Both become a cycle of fear and regret.

If every action could lead to pain, why even act any more? Why do anything if everything will destroy us? These are questions that we have had to learn to try and purge. But these ideas were engrained from the very beginning and are not easily corrected. False starts became common. Fear became ever present. What is to be done in such a situation when all you know about the world is that it is terrible and that this is somehow your fault?

I wish that we had a suitably cliched answer. Some simple concept that could help us to change. But that isn’t the world we live in. But one thing we are starting to realize, something that may help change our way of thinking is something that we were never shown. Something that is common to life everywhere. The understanding that we have a right to live. We survived hell, had our very humanity stripped from us. But we still live. There were many chances for this to be different, and for many children in such situations the outcome is far more unfortunate.

We will likely never be rid of these fears. They will interfere with our life and cause more set backs then we care to consider. Now is no longer the time for that, even if we forget this often. We lived where many others might not have. Our life is ours now and we will be damned if we let that change.

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