A Life Lesson: Remember This Feeling

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Photo by Shaun Killen.

This is a story of a soldier’s return to his New Jersey family, a “first” sunrise, a small child’s anticipation, a feeling difficult to restore, and a grandfather who helped make that not completely impossible.

The year was 1956 and my favorite uncle (the only son of my grandfather-my teacher) was due to return to New Jersey. He had been stationed in the Korean Demilitarized Zone (DMZ), a 2.5-mile wide fortified buffer zone between the two Korean nations created at the end of the war in 1953. His family missed him, worried about him, and planned to celebrate his return. So, in the middle of the night, on the day he was due to arrive in Norfolk, Virginia, our family formed a caravan of vehicles filled with my uncle’s loving sisters, their husbands, nieces, nephews and of course, his mother and father (my wise grandfather).

My bold and strong Irish father led the caravan because he knew exactly how to get to the Norfolk port and he carried the most precious cargo; my uncle’s mother and father (see photo of my grandfather, grandmother and uncle). So, we left our homes near the beach in New Jersey headed for Norfolk. My father tucked my brother and me into blankets in the back seat, kissed us, and told us to sleep well and prepare for a surprise. My grandfather sat between us. I remember waking up a few times and peeking at my Grandfather’s proud face visible only because of the moonlight. He never stopped staring forward in deep thought of the type I would not comprehend for many years to come, if ever.

Grandfather, Uncle, Grandmother

After several hours of deep sleep, I felt the presence of warmth on my face. I opened my eyes, sat up and pressed my nose hard against the window of the back seat and wiped the steam away with my little hand. It took me a minute to even start to understand what I was seeing: my very first sunrise! And, as if that wasn’t enough, the sun was climbing over the Atlantic Ocean just as my father navigated a huge curve in the road. Looking at that site through my 4 year old eyes was like God had pulled the curtain and a show was just about to begin. But, it wasn’t just the sunrise that I saw and felt; there was more. It was the absolute joy, hope for the future, and anticipation of the arrival of something so special…my uncle’s safe return home and the combined feelings we all had at that moment that represented the possibilities for the future. As I felt all of that, my grandfather must have been watching me and feeling it too. He studied my face and saw tears leaking down on my warm cheeks. He said, “Carolina, queste sono le lacrime belle. Ricordate sempre questa sensazione – Carol Ann, those are beautiful tears. Always remember this feeling.”

I said, “But Grandfather, I have never had this feeling before. How long will I have it and can I have it forever?” My grandfather sat back with a thoughtful smile on his face and said, “as long as you have had it once, you can have it again – not always – but again, when you need it the most”. I should tell you I am a very positive and happy person, but since that day, I have only come a bit close to that elusive feeling, never able to duplicate it fully. Once, while taking a prednisone dose pack for a bad back, I felt pretty euphoric, but I suppose that doesn’t count since it was steroid induced J

But this past February, eight months after my husband (my partner and my best friend) died suddenly; I woke up with that same warm feeling on my face. I had moved the bedroom furniture around the day before and now, for the first time since living in my Birmingham home for five years, the beautiful winter sunrise was shining directly on my bed. I sat up, and had the strangest, foreign feeling; and yet it felt vaguely familiar. I took a deep sigh and asked myself, what is this feeling? It’s so different than anything I have felt in a very long time. And, all of a sudden, I recognized it as hope, joy and anticipation of a new life “normal”. I cried from relief as I “heard” my grandfather’s words from that special morning once again say, “Carol Ann, those are beautiful tears. Always remember this feeling and as long as you have had it once, you can have it again – not always – but again, when you need it the most”.

I needed it the most right at that moment. And, since that day in February, I have been able to bring that feeling back (at least partially) into my new normal almost on a daily basis. Thank goodness for sunrises, wise grandfathers, and even hard times that allowed me to recognize, savor, and strive for the joyful and hopeful feelings when they did (and do) return.

Remember that feeling and you shall have it again!

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About Post Author

Carol Maietta

A healthcare executive (HR and Nursing) who relocated to Alabama from South Florida 6 years ago. I have an open-minded approach to life combined with the ability to find humor in the ridiculous (including myself).
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Bill Formby
11 years ago

Lovely thoughts and feeling conveyed in your own special way Carol. Very good.

Reply to  Bill Formby
11 years ago

Thanks, Bill.

hstrybuff
11 years ago

You may have outdone yourself with this one Carol. A marvelous read indeed.

Reply to  hstrybuff
11 years ago

Thanks hstrybuff…I had a hard time writing the ending as I really did cry my eyes out! It was bitter sweet.

lincoln82
11 years ago

Another jewel Carol. We thank you ….

Reply to  lincoln82
11 years ago

Thanks lincoln82. I spent a lot of emotion writing this one because of the connection to my dearly departed husband and related feelings.

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