An Open Letter to My Son

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To my son,

I wanted to write you a note and explain myself. I imagine by the time you
are able to read this and understand it, the world will be a very different
place than it is this moment, my hope is a much better place. I wanted to
explain why I waited, why I took so long doing something I wanted so bad. I
want to explain myself because I imagine by the time you read this I will
have been pushing you to not hold back, to never delay and to reach for the
stars. I imagine you reading this thinking this isn’t Dad, he wouldn’t
hesitate for a minute, but with you, I did.

As you already know you have two parents who love you. I write this
laughing with all certainty because even if you’re treated half as good as
our two dogs now you’d make Paris Hilton jealous. I imagine you and I at
odds here and there. You think I can be strict; I try to have too many
rules and parameters. I imagine your other dad however being a counter
balance to me. You’ll probably call him the “funner” dad since he’ll be
letting you get away with crap behind my back. We both guide you best we
can to be an amazing person and I feel that you’ll get there even though I’m
sure I’ll always wonder if I could have done more.

Your grandparents I’m sure will treat you like gold. I imagine every time
they come to visit or we drop you off to spend time with them I’ll be
telling you to behave. We’ll have to rein in their generosity for fear of
spoiling the heck out of you. Steve’s and my parents will embarrass us
telling you stories of the crap we used to pull, you had better not get any
ideas. You’ll hear how big of a geek I was, and how brave your father was
for serving this country and how scary it was to send a son to war. You’ll
know how wonderful of parents your grandparents were and how well we were
raised. You’ll also understand that family isn’t easy but it is always
there.

You’ll probably live in the very same house as your father and I do now. I
picture you on the third floor, a friend of ours Adam rents that space now.
If you’re an only child I imagine you having too much space and filling it
with pictures and posters. If you have a sibling I imagine the third floor
seeming bi-polar almost. With some days the two of you getting along and
others with small wars breaking out, sibling rivalry at its best. The house
is huge and it’s already like a big kids castle with all the games, an
arcade machine and projector set up. I’m sure that even though I can’t
imagine how, our current game systems will be obsolete to you. So we’ll
have made room for whatever is the cool thing now that you just had to have.
Know this though, in the next year or so when it’s boring, expect to hear I
told you so from me, and your other dad reminding you how much it cost and
how it’s never used anymore.

You’ll have met many of our friends who we hold dear and probably the very
same people we know today. I imagine they will do their best to try and
make you laugh at how silly your fathers were and how we made our own
mistakes, noise and chaos in our time. You’ll meet so many great people and
friends we have made over the years and they will span this country and
beyond its shores. You’ll hear diverse stories and understand the world for
the better because of it. I imagine we’ll still be having karaoke parties
and you’ll be embarrassed at watching a bunch of “old” people sing songs
that are so dated, if you have even heard of them. You’ll have so many
“aunts” and “uncles” that won’t even be blood related it’s going to be
ridiculous. I know that each of them though will be your guardian angles
and always there for you, like they are for your father and me.

Your father and I will have saved enough money to ensure that when you
venture out into the world on your own that you can do so with a great
education and bright future. We will do our best to make sure you have a
happy life, but also appreciate what you get. I imagine when you’re able to
work we’ll encourage you to get a job in the hopes you’ll appreciate making
a living and be proud of doing so. I want you to get excited about saving
for something and then being able to purchase it knowing how hard you worked
for it and then getting to realize the reward.

The thing I want you to understand though is why we waited. By now you’ll
know our story, what we fought for, what we stood for. My hope is that it
will seem almost comical to you. That the world you live in is very
different and that you can’t understand how people could be so hurtful, so
cruel. The reason we waited is because in some ways I’m already
overprotective. I already know you’ll be my pride and joy but I don’t want
you to experience what having two dads is like right now.

I don’t want you going to school and having it be OK for people to
publicly ridicule your dad’s relationship. I don’t want to have to
explain why your dad’s don’t both have full custody over you. Or explain
how our marriage is acknowledged in some places and not others. When you
start to understand politics I don’t want to have to explain to you why a
politician would compare us to pedophiles or our relationship to “man on
horse” and be elevated instead of condemned by their party. I never want to
come home having been fired because I love your father and have the impact
of hate be a financial risk to your future.

I love you so much, I can already feel it rock my emotions to think of you
being hurt by such hate. I don’t even know your gender or name, but I know
I want to protect you. This world will not be easy, it will not be kind.
This world will also never cease to amaze you though and the beauty and
wonder it brings will take your breath away daily. Your dad I want to try
and eliminate as much of the obstacles as possible, I want you to see so
much more light than dark.

I hope that we aren’t too old to enjoy your youth and energy. I hope that
you feel so close to your father and I that you never need to have secrets
and you allow us to be your parents and your best friend. To be honest I
worry this world won’t change, at least not in our life time. Am I willing
to continue waiting, one day regretting never had the chance to raise you,
to make you more than a dream? One day in the middle of this fight will we
have passed the point of no return and lost our chance to have some piece of
us carry on? My hope is no, that you’ll read this as a vibrant youth and
laugh at how silly your father was so many years ago.

I just needed you to understand that your father and I waited because we
wanted you to hear our story and appreciate our struggles, but not have to
live through them, all in the hopes it will make you a better person. I
hope you’ll be as proud of us for the change we tried to bring as I know we
will be of you. I hope that it will inspire you to fight for people that
need it most and that in the end you realize that you deserve nothing less
than your most amazing dreams. I say this to you because if the day comes
where you are reading this note, my wildest dream will have finally come
true; having you.

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About Post Author

Joshua Alan Snyder Hill

Joshua is the husband of Major Steve Snyder-Hill (or as some have dubbed him the booed soldier). Joshua and his husband are currently involved in a case with SLDN (Servicemembers Legal Defense Network). The case is to ensure service members who are married to same sex partners receive the same benefits and protections as their straight counters parts. Joshua writes blogs in order to try and further help spark conversation around the LGBT community and marriage inequality. He also runs a website, MarriageEvolved.com which is a social network site allowing LGBT and allies alike to discuss current events, struggles and successes in. The sites goal is to help people understand the true effects of inequality and how to have conversations around it.
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11 years ago

Thank you all sooooo much! It’s a real letter that at this point after all the warm and encouraging messages will likely be seen by our child. The idea itself makes me smile.

KellyCookie
11 years ago

This is so beautiful, it made me weep. All the best to you Joshua.

lincoln82
11 years ago

This touched me very much Joshua. May you and your partner find your dreams coming true.

Carol Maietta
11 years ago

Joshua, some things take a very long time…but the longer you wait, the slower the process of change will be. To change a culture is done one small act at a time. Adopt a child and live a beautiful happy family life. Consider living in an area widely open to such diversity. I am from South Florida and no one even blinks at seeing a gay couple raising children.
BTW, it seems interesting that so far, only females have replied to your letter.

Maria
11 years ago

This letter proves that no matter gender, age, race or sexuality we all just want to love and protect our children. This is a beautiful letter Joshua, and i really hope that your future will be filled with the pitter patter of tiny feet. You and your husband sound like wonderful men who would make any child be proud to call you daddies!

Barbielynn
11 years ago

Oh goodness gracious Carol is so right, because this is warm and kind. I do so hope you are able to open your arm to some lucky guy.

Carol Ann75
11 years ago

Oh my goodness this is the most beautiful letter I’ve ever read. Dearest Josh I can only pray that your dreams come true, for both of you, because when they do, some lucky young man will have a wonderful life. Thank you for assuring me there are good people in the world.

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