A Holiday Lesson: Begging for Attention

This is a story about a little girl, her attention seeking uncle, and a grandfather who gave her courage to deal with the behavior just in time for Christmas.

It all started every year around the first of December. My Uncle Bob would theatrically announce to everyone in the family he was not attending the big holiday event at my grandparent’s house. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to attend; he had a need to be BEGGED to attend.

Uncle Bob was my father’s brother and they married sisters: my mother and my Aunt Theresa. So, it was important to have him at holiday occasions. But, over many years, all of our family had become weary of making the multiple begging calls to him before the event. So, one year, when I was about seven years old, the chore got turned over to me. My Aunt Theresa talked me into it by saying my Uncle Bob told her, even though they never had children, he felt like I was his daughter. How could I refuse? And at that point, I didn’t even fully understand what I would have been refusing to do anyway.

So, beginning that year, and for three years after that, I played the “begging game” with Uncle Bob; every few days I called, pleading for him to come to the dinner. And with every call, he said “no”. But, after many phone requests, it always ended the same; the day of the event, after one last phone call, he finally broke down and said he would come. By then, we were usually ready to eat dinner and someone (usually my kind father) had to go pick him up since Uncle Bob didn’t drive.

Then one year, around Thanksgiving, I started to dread the upcoming inconvenience of calling Uncle Bob; I decided I had enough begging. So, I told my grandfather I didn’t want to have that job anymore. With a thoughtful look on his face, my wise grandfather said, “Carolina, I have taught you many lessons, so you should know the best thing to do FOR your Uncle Bob.” He emphasized the word “for”, so I thought long and hard about why that was. I came up with an answer that helped me decide what to do FOR Uncle Bob, not just to make things easy for me. And actually, what I was about to do was a lot harder than making a few begging phone calls.

When the time came to start calling Uncle Bob, I dialed his number once and said (and I am paraphrasing after so many years), “Uncle Bob, other years I have begged you to come to Christmas dinner, and I am sad every time you say “no”. Then I am sad each time I call again and you still say “no”. I want you at the dinner, but this year, I decided not to call you after today to ask you to come. Come only if you want to. And if you don’t come, I will be very sad.” There was silence on the line and then he told me goodbye. I had a bad feeling my mother and Aunt Theresa would be mad at me because they didn’t know I was going to do that; and they were.

I talked to my grandfather about my call to Uncle Bob and how my mother and Aunt Theresa felt, and he told me, “Carolina, sii forte – be strong”. That is just what I needed to hear. So, I kept my word and did not call Uncle Bob again; and neither did anyone else when they heard what I had the courage to do. Then, to the family’s shock, on Christmas Day, Uncle Bob humbly arrived in a Taxi cab ready for the dinner. He gave me a hug and said he was sorry he made me sad and told me he loved me like a daughter. Uncle Bob never had to be begged again. He came to the dinner every year after that without the attention seeking “ritual”: even after he lost one of his legs due to diabetes.

Because of my Uncle Bob, and the encouraging words from my grandfather, I learned that when someone has an unhealthy need for attention, the more we play to it, the stronger the need becomes; we are essentially feeding the need. And then, the attention seeking (or any other difficult behavior) becomes a problem for everyone, as it had for my entire family.

I also learned that once you state a limit you believe is the right thing FOR a person, stick with it no matter what the outcome might be. In the case of Uncle Bob, I said I would call just once, and that’s what I did even though I knew if he didn’t show up, I might take the blame and we would all be sad. How to deal with attention seeking behavior was a hard lesson for a small child, but a helpful lesson for her Uncle Bob, as it turned out.

And, I can still hear grandfather’s words of encouragement from that situation when I need them the most as I deal with today’s challenges: whether they are behaviors or just plain problems: “Carolina, sii forte – be strong”… and his lesson: no matter what we do, do it FOR the other person: not for ourselves.

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