Booze, Boredom, and The Bachelor
Read Time:7 Minute, 56 Second
As I write this, I’m recovering from one HELL of a hangover. But I’ll get more into that in a moment. I have a confession to make, and believe me, once I say this out loud, almost certainly half of my faithful readership will abandon me for being such a lame-ass, not that I blame them. Once I admit this out loud, I think I may have to get treatment for it. Anyway, here’s my admission: I am a regular viewer of THE BACHELOR.
There- I said it. My dirty secret is out there for everyone to revile and mock. I’m sick, and I need help. What can I tell you? I’m a romantic.
Oh, I’m just kidding. I don’t watch the show because I’m really crossing my fingers and hoping that somebody finds the love of their life. I watch it for the same reason I watch Fox News: I’m laughing at the sheer, unadulterated STUPIDITY of it. I am fully aware that most of it is scripted bullshit, but hey- so is WWE wrestling. (Not to mention the fake outrage that is THE O’REILLY FACTOR.) It’s nothing more than entertainment. (Besides, HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER and 2 BROKE GIRLS were re-runs this week.)
For those of you who haven’t seen the show, (smart move on your part) the basic premise is that the producers of the show pick a guy, usually one who is well-to-do, marriage-minded (or so he claims) and white (they’ve never picked a black, Asian or Hispanic guy to headline they show. I guess they’re afraid that nobody wants to marry a guy who makes minimum wage at Taco Bell.) And then introduce him to 25 women, one of whom who is destined (hopefully) to become his future wife.
The only problem is, the show has a basic flaw in its premise: Even if you were to find an honest guy who wanted to fall in love and get married, if you introduce him to 25 hot girls, any thoughts of marriage fly right out the window. I mean, seriously- why would anyone settle down if the possibility of nailing two-dozen chicks existed? That’s like giving a cop a box full of assorted doughnuts and then telling him he can only eat the plain one! And let’s not discount the visibility factor- once off the show; the bachelor has a higher public profile, therefore more women available to him. So again, what’s the point of settling down?
When ABC started publicizing the new season with their latest sucker, Sean Lowe, I decided I was gonna skip it, mostly because I didn’t like the guy. When he was one of the suitors from the last season of THE BACHELORETTE, he made me want to vomit. The guy looks like he should be the poster boy for Hitler’s “master race”. As I said, though, I was bored and already had three bottles of Guinness in me, so I said what the Hell.
Two things I’ll say right off the bat- I hate it when the bachelor refers to his experience as a ‘journey’. Dude, speed-dating with a suitcase is NOT a journey. It’s not like you’re leaving the shire to pry the precious off of Sauron to give it away as an engagement ring. Then there’s the women- where do they find these people? Are there really THAT many desperate women out there? Well, if you’ve ever looked at Craig’s List, Ok Cupid, or Plenty of Fish, then you already know the answer to THAT question.
Skipping the intro with Sean explaining how lovelorn he is and how he can’t seem to find the right girl (PLEASE. All of the guys on this show can find a woman if they tried. It’s not THAT hard!) Let’s meet the newest group of delusional hard-ups who are vying for the heart of AN INSURANCE SALESMAN. (The height of boredom!) Here are some of the standouts:
Desiree, (AKA Des,) a bridal stylist from LA who is apparently sick of helping girls find dresses for their own special day and now wants her own. But here’s the thing- on a first date, a woman should NEVER mention that she’s looking to get married. It’s the kiss of death. Most guys would play her, pump her, and then dump her.
Then we have Tierra, a 24-year old leasing consultant from Denver. Dumped twice, now looking for her ‘true love’. Sorry, honey- but you ain’t gonna find it here. Tierra also has a tattoo of an open heart on her left ring finger, saying that she’s looking for someone to ‘fill it’. Good luck with that.
Now we’re introduced to Robyn, from Texas! And here’s a genuine shocker- she’s black! I’ll be amazed if she makes it through the cocktail party. Being that Sean is described as the ‘all-American boy’, I highly doubt that he would go for a woman of color. Plus, she has this weird habit of leaving sticky-notes everywhere. She’s way too anal, and not in the good way. Next!
Diana, from SLC, is a salon owner and has two daughters. From experience, I know that in dating, you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting a woman who has kids, but being that Sean is 29, I highly doubt that he’s planning on diving straight into an insta-family. Not happening, but thanks for playing!
Sarah is a cutie from LA and works in advertising. She also has one arm missing. Now let’s be honest for a second here- I’m not saying that the loss of an arm makes this girl any less attractive. It doesn’t. But let’s face it- this is not a show of depth. I’m pretty sure that if Sean does pick her for the next round, it will be because he doesn’t want to look like a total ass on national television. Then again, you never know. I guess we’ll see.
Now we’re up to Ashley, from Michigan. This chick is in a class by herself. Not only is she desperate for a man, (strike one) she’s also crazy about her cat, (strike two) and if that wasn’t bad enough- she’s also a rabid fan of 50 SHADES OF GREY. (Strike Three!)
Personal message to Sean: RUN, RUN SCREAMING AWAY FROM THIS ONE! If I ever ran into her or any other bimbo who said she was ‘looking for her Christian Grey’, I would respond, “Well, I hope you find him soon, because someone as dumb as you should be tied up and slapped!”
I won’t bore you with descriptions of the rest of the girls; those were just some of the highlights. The cocktail party scenes were the same as usual, the only difference being that Sean changed up the rules a little and decided to give out a few roses to random girls he liked and handed out the rest during the rose ceremony. There was the usual amount of drama and cattiness going on in the house, especially when a girl from a previous season (Kacie B.) decided that she wanted in on the action. One girl even showed up wearing a wedding dress, for God’s sake.
On the upside, that psycho 50 SHADES fan, Ashley, got the boot at the end of the night. She actually showed up and pulled a gray tie out of her cleavage and told Sean that she wanted to tie him up with it. Then she got plastered and did a booty dance while he was talking to somebody. Yeah… THAT was dignified. I’m kind of surprised that she didn’t throw her thong in his face!
In the end, this crappy show is gonna play out the way it always does. Whether or not I keep tuned in depends on whether there’s nothing else to watch or I have enough beer in the house. Maybe I should have a Guinness truck deliver a crate of bottles straight to my doorstep, you think?
In all honesty, I have no idea why people think they can find love on a silly reality show. I know a guy who went on two dating shows, and all he managed to do was humiliate himself in front of his friends and family. I think that meeting people online is silly, but at least it has the virtue of retaining your dignity.
People get lonely, and I understand that, but you can’t find what you’re looking for in a fantasy- that’s why they call it a fantasy. And sometimes, maybe the one thing that you’ve been looking for is right in front of your face and you just never noticed it. I learned a long time ago that love isn’t just about physical chemistry, or personality compatibility- it’s about having a genuine connection with someone on every conceivable level, it’s a bond that becomes unbreakable. That’s what real love is.
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So are we to assume you actually watched the show? You must have because rumor has it the “husky voiced girl” does have a “great ass.”
Hahaha! I loved this fucking story man. Made me laugh and made me think about what I dick I’ve been to the many women who’ve walked in and out of my doors. Good one, but fuck the bachelor, except for that husky voiced girl he knew from another show. She’s got a great ass.
I think the husky-voiced girl he’s referring to is Kacie B. I don’t think her voice is all that husky- it sounds more whiny to me. But Mr. Dean has a good point, she DOES have a nice ass! Also, I remember what it was like to go out with tons of girls and dump them. It always made me feel guilty. But it’s way easier to dump girls now. You have facebook, email, and text. You young guys have it easy! Back in the day, WE had to do it face-to-face! =P
Oh no you didn’t. Us not men, like to be told face to face we are being broken up with. I find the whole book of faces, social networking thing to be just a cowardly way to end anything. LOL< you are only 41 right, so you are still young.
Take heart, Jess- I’m old school. I still do it face-to face!
I have a confession: my girlfriend loves the Bachelorette and the Bachelor, so since she’s patient enough to watch some of my stuff I tolerate both of those mindless exercises, then again, from time to time I find myself enjoying certain parts of the show. I really liked the part in the Bachelor where the girl got drunk, one broke into song, and the other tried to do a somersault but failed miserably. I also like to watch when they don’t get roses and are kicked out. That’s fun. I rather liked that Sean guy, until I read that he’s a recent born-again Christian. Now I don’t like him anymore.
The best line from Monday’s episode- Sean: “So what’s the best break-up line I can use? I can’t do the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ because obviously, it’s them!”
@Anonymous- I just watch it for laughs. I don’t take it seriously. It’s fun to watch and see if I can predict who the winner is going to be. It always boils down to three types: The woman you wanna date, the woman you wanna screw, and the woman you want to marry. Invariably, the idiots almost always pick the ones they want to screw.
Gregory, I like two parts of your post: the Guinness beer and the last paragraph. It was interesting to see that you even tolerated the show. I tried last season with the bachelorette, and did lose some brain cells as Jess suggested.
Reality TV has been a way for nobodies to have their bit of instant fame. Shows like the Bachelor are sort of spoofed up versions of other reality shows. Studios have found that they are cheaper ways to produce revenue because a lot of people like to watch “real” people doing “real” things. That just gives you an idea of how bland most people’s lives are – they need to live their life vicariously through someone else. Yuck
I look at it this way, Bill- At least it ain’t JERSEY SHORE.
Yeah, maybe. Maybe I should get my own reality show. All the drama of an old guy sitting around playing with his computer and his dog. Or, when it is a bit warmer they could follow me through the woods trying to find the last golf ball that I sliced, or hooked, or chunked. Getting my hair cut would definitely be a hit. Hell, more people need a life.
I don’t know if that would make for interesting reality TV, but you can certainly get a webcast deal out of it. You can call it “Eating Oatmeal With Bill Formby”.
Just kidding! 😉
Ha!!!!! Good one Gregory.
*Takes a bow* THANK YOU!
You probably could. I was looking at one of the entertainment sites today and there is some new show about women with big boobs being fitted for bras. If they can make a bra fitting a reality show, sitting watching paint dry and grass grow should be next up.
This is totally acceptable in our land of the short attention span but marriage equality is what is undermining traditional marriage. Okay then, carry on. I don’t watch any reality tee vee at all, not worth the brain cells I would surely lose.
Jess, I have nothing against killing a few brain cells unless I lower the count down to what a tea-partier gets by on. Having said that, THE BACHELOR is a nice case study on how people react to an influx of emotion in a fantasy setting. It’s not really falling in love- it’s just overreacting hormones responding to romantic stimuli.
…it’s just overreacting hormones responding to romantic stimuli.”
Since it has zero to do with love, here’s a suggestion for ya, watch porn and you will get more out of it stimulation wise 🙂
I’m a regular viewer of porn, Jess, and I have a few friends in the industry. So I’m good!
Guinness? Guinness Stout? That’s my second favorite beer right behind Heineken Special Dark!
I have never seen “The Bachelor” but if you have enough Guinness, I might come and watch it and laugh at it with you. Don’t forget the beer.
I’ll buy the beer, James! We can make a drinking game out of it! But I’ll warn you right now- by the end of the episode, we’ll both be bombed out of our skulls!
You’ll be bombed. I cannot get drunk. I always fall asleep first. 🙂
When I was about 16, I discovered I did not have the same capacity for alcohol as others. I decided I’d have to base my opinion of my masculinity on something else. Fortunately, sex was readily at hand to fulfill that role. It has answered nicely from that time to now. 😀
I don’t know what your expectations are here, James, but I’m going to tell you right up front- I’m cheap, but I’m NOT easy! And just so you’re aware, I have a tramp-stamp that reads: “EXIT ONLY!”
My expectations are free beer. Some laughs as we make sarcastic remarks about the show. If I fall asleep before I start speaking incoherently, we can both consider the even a success.
Deal!