My Craig’s List Personal Ad

About Gregory B. Gonzalez
Gregory B. Gonzalez is an angry black man who isn't actually black. No, really- he told us to say that! His parents once had him tested for Tourette's, but when the doctor came back with his results, he said, "No, he's fine. Your son is just an a**hole!" It's been downhill ever since. He lives like the Unabomber, only without the explosives. Feel free to contact him provided you can actually locate him. Just keep in mind that he'll probably make fun of you to your face. We here at MMA can't stand him, so if you want him, he's all yours!
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Since everyone has been having a few laughs at my experiences with dating and relationships, I thought I’d share this: my stock ad that I post on Craig’s List. When I originally wrote it, I was pretty fed up with meeting girls who seemed mentally defective and emotionally stunted, and this was my way of screening them out. Sure, I freely admit that some of the stuff in my ad could be construed as offensive, but that was kind of the point. I wanted to meet the women who WOULDN’T be offended by it.

Although I’m not looking around for a relationship anymore, I still re-post it from time to time just to see what I might reel in. As far as what has come my way, I have met a lot of cool people, but nothing that I had an immediate connection with. I have also received TONS of compliments on how funny the ad is. I wish I could say that I had more hate mail than compliments, but unfortunately, the haters are the exception and not the rule. You’d think it would be the other way around, right? Weird.

Anyway, have fun reading my personal ad!

I’m going to be REAL specific here……

The first thing I want to say is thank you for checking out my post. I have met a few women on Craig’s List, and though I always enjoy meeting new people, some of the women here are… special, for lack of a better word. Or to put it more plainly- they’re totally freakin’ nuts! Tell me something- is it REALLY the hardest thing in the world to find ONE girl who has baggage the size of a small make-up case as opposed to a public storage unit?

(For those of you who laughed at that, thanks! No applause, just throw money!)

Ladies, if you fit any of the following criteria- DO NOT RESPOND TO THIS AD!!!!

GIRLS WITH DADDY ISSUES:

Listen, I’m totally sorry that your father decided to stay at home and play poker with his buddies instead of going to your dance recital. You’re just way too needy for my tastes. If I wanted to get twenty thousand phone calls a day, I’d hand my phone number to EVERY single telemarketing firm on the planet and say, “Have at it!” Plus, girls like you are great if all I wanted was a one-night stand, but I want something more. So do us both a favor and head for your local bar and find a guy who can put up with that for maybe a week. Here’s a tip- find one who is desperate. You know you’re gonna treat him like crap, anyway.

GIRLS WITH LOW SELF-ESTEEM:

Now, I’m doing my best not to make you feel lower than you already do. In fact, I think all of you are perfect just the way you are. The only problem is that you ladies are TOO MUCH WORK. I’ve been there one too many times and I just don’t have the strength to do it anymore. I don’t want to meet a girl who is going to become my next project. Besides, the only thing you need to remember is this- it doesn’t matter what other people think, it only matters what YOU think. Don’t get down on yourself- there is one guy out there who thinks the world of you. Don’t turn him away.

HIGH-MAINTENANCE WOMEN:

God, where do I start? Ok, here’s the thing, I won’t lie and say that I don’t like an attractive woman- but if it takes you longer than an hour to get ready, THAT’S TOO LONG. We already waste enough of our lives waiting in lines and getting stuck in traffic. Give me a break. Life is too short and I’m already pushing forty. If you wear more make up than Bozo the clown, Ringling Brothers is coming to town soon. That’s all I’m gonna say.

DRAMA QUEENS:

I can appreciate that some of you have boring lives, or that you’re aspiring actresses. Here’s the problem- I’m not looking to be your acting coach or your enabler. I have a rule- if you rack up three red flags, that’s it. We’re DONE. If you want to practice for that future Oscar you plan to win, take a class at the learning annex like everybody else. I also don’t plan on stalking you, calling you and hanging up, or letting the air out of your tires. That’s just plain nuts.

WOMEN WHO CAN’T GET OVER THEIR LAST RELATIONSHIP:

One piece of advice- if you just broke up with someone, do yourself and the next guy you date a huge favor- give yourself time to grieve. Jumping into a new relationship is the absolute last thing you should ever do. If you need to take your mind off of it, concentrate on work, buy a dog, start knitting, or have as many one-night stands as you want. Just don’t start seeing someone and make his life a living Hell by constantly bringing up the ex, or even worse, making comparisons. I’m begging you.

GOLD-DIGGERS AND SUGAR BABIES:

First of all, I don’t have a ton of money, so you wouldn’t be interested anyway. That said, you should look into prostitution. It’s pretty much the same thing.

CONVICTED FELONS:

This one is kind of self-explanatory, isn’t it?

And finally, my favorite category: PSYCHOTICS.

I dated a girl who tried to kill herself in front of me once. Fun times! Then I dated another girl who assumed we were in a committed relationship after one date. Another girl had a serious grudge against telephone psychics because of some bad advice they had given her. All of these ladies had two things in common- they were hot, and the sex was fabulous. But it was not enough to base a relationship on. In fact, I have a nice stack of framed restraining orders as a reminder of our time together. For a while there, I honestly thought I was cursed. It seemed like if there was a nutjob within a 50-mile radius, I was almost positive she would end up with me. So if any of you are in therapy, please don’t email me. For those of you who aren’t, seek help- preferably electroshock therapy if you can get it. Thorazine works, too.

As to what I am looking for:

To be honest, I’m not sure that what I want even exists. Believe me, I’ve looked. The girl I want is someone who is patient and understanding. She is cute, funny, and has a HELL of a sense of humor and can laugh at the raunchiest things. Her kind of comedy is more Woody Allen than Will Farrell, and she is some kind of artist- a poet, a painter, or better yet- a writer like me. She’s the kind of girl who is naturally beautiful, like she can roll out of bed and be the most gorgeous mess you’ve ever seen. She isn’t totally needy or insecure and can function without me if she needs to, all the while in the knowledge that I am fully devoted and committed to her (and I will be. I’m a one-woman guy.)

She loves hard rock, alternative, 80′s, and can’t stand rap or Britney Spears. She’s a pop-culture geek and can quote lines from any movie at will. She’s intelligent, witty, fun, and can kick my ass when I get out of line in a heartbeat. She’s a girl who has a heart made of silver while still retaining that razor edge. And if she’s a diehard liberal, then that would be awesome, too.

So that’s everything, I think. I know it sounds like a lot, but that’s what I want. For a girl like that, I would do anything.

Now just because I’m describing my perfect girl doesn’t mean that I’m in any way perfect, myself. I’m actually in something of a transitory state. I’m a writer who’s trying to get his book published, and while I may not be Prince Charming in looks, I’m not exactly the Beast, either. Kinda Shrek-ish, if you must know. Ok, scratch that- if anything, I kinda lean more toward Kung-Fu Panda. (I love that movie!)

I just want to be in a relationship with someone who understands the way I feel. Someone whose eyes I can look into for hours and still never know every secret she hides. I want to be with a girl whom I can hold and not want to let go of, that I can wake up to and smile at. Someone who is going to inspire me and make me realize that our love will take on a life of it’s own.

So if you’re out there, please let me know!

P.S: Ladies, if you read this purely for the entertainment value and enjoyed it, thanks. It was mostly meant for women with a sense of humor, anyway. For those haters out there who will email me because you’re pissed off, don’t bother. I will only send an even more scathing response that will send you screaming back to therapy.

BONUS: Here are two examples from a hater and an admirer-

The Hater

You should change the title to “Maybe I’m the problem…”

Let me answer your burning question- No, your perfect woman does not exsist. I hate to break it to you- hopefully you were sitting down.

You’re as high maintanencce as they come, obviously not someone looking for a real person. No one rolls out of bed looking amazing. Most actually roll out of bed looking… well… almost as if they had just rolled out of bed, in fact.

Listing every possible trait you arent looking for in a girl and then going on to describe your impossible standards arent going to get you anywhere.

Just a thought.

Good day.

PS- They sell life sized barbie dolls, you know? I thought you might be interested.

(I should probably leave her real name out of this just for the sake of being discreet, but since when do I care about discretion? Her name is Summer Davis.)

My response:

Dear Summer,

Nice name. Is that just a pseudonym or are you stripping to put yourself through community college? Just wondering. First of all, I never said that my perfect woman existed, WHICH I CLEARLY STATED IN THE AD. You may want to go back and repeat English 101, because clearly, you need a remedial lesson.

Also, I never said anyone had to be perfect or look perfect. If I said that I was looking for a supermodel with a genius-level IQ and a sense of humor like Kevin Smith, THEN I’d be unrealistic. I have met plenty of women who don’t fit the categories I mentioned, and most of them have been pretty cool. I judge people based on who they are- not what they look like. That’s what dating is- seeing what fits and what doesn’t. It works both ways.

And lastly, I don’t do plastic, but you might want to think about purchasing a dildo, because you obviously need the relief it would bring! Oh, and if you hated the ad so much that you actually wasted a part of your life to respond to it, YOU’RE EXACTLY THE TYPE OF WOMAN I’M TRYING TO AVOID!

Hug and kisses,

Gregory B. Gonzalez

And an email from an admirer:

I absolutely loved your post. You hit the nail on the head in describing different types of women. Very entertaining. In fact, I’m going to save it for future entertainment and read it as needed.Good luck to you in your search, hopefully the right women will pop up and answer your post so that you’ll find what you’re looking for.

-Maggie

At the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter if I meet the perfect woman or not. But if you want to get technical, I already have met her. The only problem is that we’re not together at the moment. I don’t know if we ever will be.

But that’s a whole other story. Maybe I’ll share It with you someday.