Pic from: http://whimsydreamer.wordpress.com/2011/10/12/humor-satire-funnysenior-citizen-love/
Has anyone ever noticed that sometimes life is just not fair? For example, when we (seniors) need dating help the most, all the shows are designed for the 35 and younger set. I say seniors should unite and follow me with this idea!
When I was 35 and younger, I didn’t need help getting a date. All of my body parts were still at the proper level, my skin was as smooth as a baby’s butt, my hair was a lovely natural auburn, and when I moved, my joints didn’t make more noise than six Clydesdale horses on a brick road. Dates were a dime a dozen.
But at my current age, ahhh….that’s another story. I don’t have time to date men one at a time until I patiently see if one has potential; in that process, I’ll be ten years older and, based on statistics, the man I select will most likely be about ready to croak. So, as you can see…I have a dilemma.
I am turning to the readers of MadMikesAmerica for help because I noticed a few of you have admitted you watch the Bachelor or Bachelorette. The others have at least watched it once or are outright lying. So, hopefully, you’ll all support my new idea and assist me in expanding ideas for my senior version of the show. Here are some highlights I imagine will be audience grabbers. What do you think?
- Instead of a rose, the senior bachelorette would declare her commitment to the choice men with a pack of chocolate Ex-Lax.
- When it’s time to visit the bachelors’ home towns, the most exciting part of the trip will be to the cemetery.
- The senior bachelorette will not judge her future mate by his muscles or great smile, but instead will select men that actually have teeth and four extremities.
- The first kisses might be a bit hard to watch, especially for those of you that are still young and sexy. The “kissers” will have to remove their glasses, rinse off false teeth, loosen girdle (the bachelorette too), find a kissing position that will cause the least amount of joint pain, and then repeat with as many of the senior bachelors as bachelorette (and audience) can stomach.
- Testing companionship will be critical; do the seniors have the same activities in common? Ability to walk around one block without the aid of durable medical equipment (cane or walker); doctors’ appointments that don’t conflict with each other’s; desire for a good 4pm dinner at Cracker Barrel, and free appetizers at a local pub AND a container to go.
- The senior men in my show will have to compete against each other for the attention of the bachelorette (me). But the competition will be less about strength and teamwork and more about ability to independently perform activities of daily living: driving faster than 25 miles per hour…..in the dark; filling medication containers…..with no errors; getting in and out of a bath tub…..without help; and walking up one flight of stairs…..making it up two would be a definite winner of a box of ExLax.
- My ideal senior bachelor would also have to have some basic life styles in common with me: to bed at 8pm, rise at 6am, no caffeine after noon, limited desire for spicy food, and a stomach that can stand lots of ibuprofen for aches and pains.
By now, you are either fully disgusted OR wondering how I will select the BEST senior bachelor. If I am to be completely honest, I guess there are some things he should have, although I am not a “material” senior. So my old man will have to have:
- A car less than 10 years old…unless it is now a vintage car. In that case, I’m willing to consider him but contingent upon photos of the auto.
- A retirement income…even if it is small. I’m too old to support anyone except myself: been there, done that.
- A roof over his head (nursing home does not count).
- A dog….not a miniature anything…a real dog.
- History of at least ONE good relationship in his past 60 years.
- I’m sure there are other things he should have…but I have forgotten what they are. You young’uns might be able to help me on that one.
But in the end, I think I will make my final decision based on absence of things versus having something the rest don’t have:
- No vindictive ex-wife, current wife or crazy old girl friend. I am way too old for drama.
- No life time of bad debt.
- No gaps from missing front teeth. False teeth will be considered, but not missing teeth without replacements.
- No hair pieces. In fact, old men with hair pieces will be automatically disqualified.
- No need for adult diapers.
- No disabled parking permit: not yet, anyway.
- No strange smells on clothes: moth balls, embalming fluid, or old body fluids.
- And please, no toenail fungus.
And think about all of the advertising opportunities Senior Bachelorette will provide to those greedy retailers we all love so much: bran buds, lactose free milk, glucosamine, SeniorPeople.com, and yes…even that little blue pill….not that it will do any good.
Well, I’m getting a bit low on energy so I think I’ll just go take a nap now. But I’ll probably have energy again later to deal with this if any of you can offer me help with my idea.
Or better yet, let me know if you are (or know of) a senior male that wants a spot on my show. And I’m really not that decrepit yet. I’m portraying myself as much older acting than I am; I really go to bed at 9pm.
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