Dwight my heart hurts so much for you, remember you are not the only good person in this world – we are not alone. My name is Mark, I’m Caucasian 6’4″ and I just turned 25 a few months ago. I cannot express to you fully in words what your story means to me right now. I don’t know how to feel, what to feel, who I am.  I don’t feel attached to my body, each day is like a dream, and I have lost all concept of time – don’t even know if it’s still January.

I have been living in Denver for the last 4 years, which is why your story really hits home for me. Like you I grew up on a farm in Iowa, an intolerant and scary place to be gay. I understand wanting to accept yourself despite how much you wish you could be like everyone else. I understand wanting the anonymity of a large city. When not even your family accepts you, you internalize that emotion and expect the world not to accept you either. You’re afraid to even hold hands in public with the person you love, I get it!

I don’t go to gay bars, hardly ever. I have been out to a gay bar exactly three times in the last 5 years. Those places make me hurt for my community. It is so sad to see so many people without heart, people using each other, and so many people choosing to be a stereotype instead of themselves…and just acting like animals. I felt like dancing that night to escape some negative thoughts, couldn’t get anyone to go with me, and thought I would feel safer going to a gay bar if I were going alone. I drank responsibly, one per hour! About 30 minutes prior to closing time I ran into an older male co-worker of mine. I was so happy to see a familiar face that I allowed him to purchase me a drink, without me seeing it poured.

After that my memory is spotty. He took me somewhere else. I would describe the way I remember it similar to a very slow strobe light, I remember images. I don’t remember my body or feeling anything. My situation was also torturous, it was pure horror. I was bound, stripped, forced, whipped, beat with a paddle. I was raped by at least 3 men and 1 woman, one of those men is my co-worker. My body hurt so much the next day. Going to the hospital or police was the absolute last thing on my mind.

Unfortunately, I don’t bruise easily and have little evidence. It really sucks that it’s his word against mine. While I feel some hemorrhoids and minor tearing, it’s nothing like what you experienced. I also showered immediately and changed my clothes. Then proceeded to let myself go as to be as physically unattractive as possible. I am afraid to go back to work, I am afraid I will be treated like a liar by police if/when I request a restraining order. I am afraid of so many things right now. I worry I will waste money on a lawyer for this to not go anywhere. I can’t be alone for one second, I can’t stand it. I’m now growing a beard, having trouble motivating myself to do anything. I want to stink, I want my clothes to be dirty, and I want to hide my face behind this beard. I don’t want anyone to think that I’m good looking, not even a little bit. I’m struggling with physical contact with other people, also.

I was so lost I turned to the only person I could think of, my ex boyfriend. I was so desperate for help I drove to his house and waited outside. I took 325,000mg of aspirin and slit my left wrist. I was so sure the world was so full of such evil, dark souls that this was no longer a world I wanted to be a part of. I was rushed to the ER, spent one day in ICU, and a few days in recovery.

The hospital refused to test for STD’s or for date-rape drugs because of the circumstance. Because I attempted suicide I was watched by a guard 24/7. No permanent damage except ringing in my ears. It completely broke my spirit Dwight, I wish I didn’t understand that feeling! I have been seeking help, took two weeks off of work. Taking meds. Met with several counselors so far, found a great one. I understand how difficult it is to even THINK about reporting what happened to you, when you are a man. This system is designed to work for women only, unfortunately.

I am very frightened at this time in my life, having this been so recent. I don’t know what’s next. Please keep in touch with me, I really wouldn’t mind talking with you. I want to be okay and I want to be a survivor, but I know that I am neither of those things right now. Thank you for sharing your story, it’s nice/messed up to know that you understand what I went through, what I’m going through now, and how to cope in the future. I look forward to hearing from you.

ED: The above is a comment that was left on this article.  Although I sent an email to the author I never received a response, therefore the information contained herein cannot be verified beyond what is written here.

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