- CRITTER TALK
- SCI/TECH/OTHER STUFF
When you first meet them, they come off as really sweet and relatively normal. When a crazy bitch likes you, she will give you the kind of attention you’ve always craved and make you feel like you’ve found the greatest woman on Earth. And that’s the trap. What makes it so much worse is that when you have sex with a crazy bitch, it will be the greatest sex you have ever had in your life. I shit you not. Sex with a crazy bitch is like being on an acid trip and getting blown by a Victoria’s Secret model while riding on a roller coaster. Yes- it’s THAT good.
It’s so good in fact, that it becomes an addiction. You become like a heroin user; one hit is never enough. And the more you get, the more you want, and you’ll do almost anything to keep getting it. I was with my ex-wife for six years and I put up with so much of her bullshit just so I could keep getting into her pants.
Here’s a sample of some of my ex-wife’s escapades: She tried to kill herself in front of me once by taking a knife from the kitchen sink and jabbing herself in the throat with it. When we would have a verbal fight, sometimes she would viciously hammer her face with her own fists in order to make it look as though I had beaten her. Just so I can clarify- I have never laid a finger on my ex or any other woman. I was raised better than that. Besides, I’m also a pacifist. The weirdest thing was that she used to pretend to be possessed by the spirit of her dead best friend. I later found out that the person she was channeling was neither dead, nor her best friend. She also constantly accused me of cheating on her, which I never did.
I admit that I wasn’t the greatest husband in that maybe I didn’t try as hard as I should have, but when your best is never good enough to begin with, what’s the point in trying to be better? My ex-wife’s life was in a near-constant state of crisis, so I had no life beyond trying to fix hers. By the end of our marriage, I had virtually nothing left. I was exhausted- physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I wasn’t much more than an angry zombie with a pulse. It took me a long time to recover from that. I still am, I think.
Michael, my friend and the publisher here at Mad Mike’s America, sent me an email earlier and asked me to write a piece on the latest two-part episode of THE BACHELOR this week, probably because he knew that I would have a unique perspective on it. I wish I could say he was giving me too much credit, but we all know what an outspoken asshole I am. So of course I have something to say about it.
On virtually every season of THE BACHELOR, there is always one girl who is the cause of drama in the house. This year’s winner is named Tierra, from Colorado. When she was first introduced, I thought that she looked cute, sweet, and normal. (Again, for those who have not been paying attention- that’s the trap!) At first glance, she seemed to be genuine and the girl I would have picked for the bachelor, Sean Lowe, if I could have. But as the cocktail party went on, Tierra seemed to get unstable as the night progressed.
See, Tierra was the first girl to get a rose at the cocktail party. I don’t mean she was the first called at the rose ceremony- I mean, she had barely gotten out of the limo, said hello and was given a rose. After that, she pretty much started to act as though she had won the competition and was letting Sean go through the motions of sewing his wild oats before he finally decided to settle down and marry her.
In the last few weeks, Tierra has thrown temper tantrums, gotten exponentially needier, and has pouted more times than Paris Hilton when she was in jail. She doesn’t even try to get along with anyone, and when Sean is away from her, she tracks him down and starts crying about how she’s being ‘emotionally tortured’. Not only that, she has had two ‘accidents’ on the show- one where she fell down a flight of stairs, and another in the most recent episode where she came down with hypothermia after spending one minute in a freezing cold lake. Can we say, ‘attention whore’?
The remaining women are so pissed off and tired of her drama that they’re ready to shove her off a balcony, and I can’t say I blame them. The other thing they can’t understand is why Sean is keeping her around. Well, ladies, here is your answer- he’s not kicking her to the curb for two simple reasons: The first is the fact that she’s using emotional blackmail. No man can see a woman crying without wanting to do something about it. In Sean’s case, he wants to reassure Tierra that he cares for her, thus bringing her closer to him. It’s a classic bonding trick, but in the long run, it never lasts because after a while, a man will get tired of it. Second, Tierra keeps Sean interested by having him play her personal hero when she hurts herself. He feels bad, and she is comforted by the fact he is with her as she recovers from her non-existent injuries. In every medical injury she’s had so far, Tierra is ‘miraculously’ back on her feet within a matter of hours. You know, it wouldn’t surprise me if Tierra were a cutter. God knows she has the personality for it.
Nothing infuriates me more than women who play the sympathy card. It’s a desperate and pathetic way to draw a man’s affections. It shows that you have no self-confidence in yourself and have more insecurities than a pre-teen girl ten seconds away from having puberty kick in.
My ex-wife used to pull that shit on me all of the time. When I look back on those days, I wish I’d had the sense to dump her ass. But you know what they say about hindsight, right? When I watch this stuff unfold on TV, I want to scream and tell that blond jag-off to grow a brain. I know it’s irrational because the show was filmed months ago and has been scripted and edited to make it more interesting, but still- seeing women who do that crap just royally pisses me off.
Since my marriage ended, all of my single friends have used me to evaluate their relationships so that what happened to me doesn’t happen to them. In most cases, it hasn’t been very successful because they don’t want to see the worst in the women they have fallen in love with. I admit that in the first few months of my divorce, I was pretty bitter towards women and sour on marriage and relationships in general. I didn’t go out of my way to sabotage anyone’s relationships, though.
My one friend, Juan, was in a relationship with a woman he’d had a child with, and she was an even bigger nightmare than my ex-wife. She would constantly accuse him of cheating, was physically and verbally abusive towards him, and made his life a living Hell. When he told me he’d planned on marrying her, I thought he had completely lost it. Juan’s rationale was that he didn’t want to break up his family, but I was like, “Dude, you can still be a father to your daughter without being married to that psycho hosebag!”
In the end, he refused to listen to me and married her anyway. It turned out that I was right, and they were even worse as a married couple than an insta-family. Juan constantly came to me to complain about how horrible his life was, and I finally hit the wall and told him, “You know what? If your life sucks, you have no one to blame but yourself! I told you- ‘DON’T MARRY HER!’ And did you listen to me? NO! Use your brain, man! You don’t have to live like this, and in the long run, you’ll be doing your daughter a bigger favor by not being married to her mother. You’re a great dad, and getting a divorce doesn’t change that. You didn’t fail, it just wasn’t meant to be.”
It took awhile for my advice to sink in, but it finally did. Juan kicked that bitch to the curb and hit the single life again. In time, he literally met the woman of his dreams and married her soon after. He finally got his happy ending, and his wife, Alicia, is a wonderful woman. I’m happy for him and maybe just a tad envious.
At the end of the day, I really don’t think it matters if a woman is crazy or not. What I think does matter is that the woman you choose to be with is YOUR kind of crazy. All women are drama on some level, but that’s true of everybody. You just have to decide how much of it you’re willing to live with.
Unlike my friend, Juan, I have yet to find my happy ending. Then again, my story is a bit more complicated than his. I have a father dying of cancer, a soulmate, a budding writing career, and a woman in my life that I can’t seem to connect with. As I said- it’s complicated.
Am I the only one who thinks that God should have included us with an instruction manual on how to deal with relationships? And I don’t mean MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS, either.