British Politics Explained
About Norman RampartI am an Englishman, originally from a small village in Lancashire where everyone looks the same - even, slightly worryingly, the sheep. I have been residing reluctantly in the general area of London for 38 years. I came here for three weeks, ran out of money and couldn't afford the coach fare home. I believe that an Englishman's home is his castle. Even if it is only a small end of terrace pile of bricks.
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Finding myself woefully, if not shamefully ignorant of America’s political system I googled it. To my delight I found it as incomprehensible as Britain’s. Perhaps that’s why we have ‘a special relationship’ as none of us knows what the hell is going on.
Just in case any readers are unsure about Britain’s political system I will attempt to clarify it.
The Conservative party are our closest equivalent to American Democrats, at least in theory. Of late though, the Conservatives under ‘Call me Dave’ Cameron, who normally leaned a little to the right have moved a little to the left leaving some in the center whilst others stayed on the right. A few even overshot the center and inadvertently finished leaning to the left.
The Labour party who are our closest equivalent to American Republicans always leaned to the left until Tony Blair, aka (B)Liar, took them to the center where a few overshot and finished slightly on the right whilst others didn’t like the center so went back to the left to join the ones who had stayed on the left either because they didn’t want to move or hadn’t noticed anyone else going anywhere in the first place.
With me so far?
The third so called ‘mainstream party’ are the Liberal Democrats who used to be the Liberals before joining up with a breakaway Labour group called the Social Democratic Party and changed their name from Liberals to Liberal Democrats. Nobody, including the Liberal Democrats, are quite sure where they are in the scheme of things, although generally they tried to nip in and pinch the ‘leaning to the left’ bit that Labour had held, and by the time they realized a lot of Labour were still there, they were sort of stuck in limbo. They tried to claim the center ground but too many Conservatives were still there along with some Labour who hadn’t yet realized they were in the same place as the Conservatives.
The Liberal Democrats then became irrelevant so were invited to form a coalition Government with the Conservatives who hadn’t won the General Election.
Labour were a tad miffed about this pointing out quite correctly the Conservatives hadn’t won but then shut up when someone pointed out that they’d lost by far more votes than the Conservatives hadn’t won by resulting in the Liberal Democrats who everyone had forgotten about forming half the Government despite losing even worse than Labour did.
Still with me? Simple really isn’t it?
In the meantime The United Kingdom Independence Party (UKIP) pinched the leaning to the right ground once occupied by the Conservatives who had followed ‘Call me Dave’ into the center, in some cases overshooting and going a bit left. The Conservatives still leaning right then either joined UKIP or just stayed in the Conservatives whilst being quietly embarrassed by the whole thing.
Other political parties of fluctuating interest are the Communist Party who never win anything but are usually good for the odd giggle, the British National Party who seem to believe Hitler was actually a jolly decent chap if you bother to look more closely at him, and are probably the most similar to America’s Tea Baggers. The Monster Raving Loony party, who invariably lose their deposits at elections fielding candidates called Tarquin F’Tang F’Tang Old Biscuit Barrel, and the Socialist Workers Party who tend to call everyone ‘brother’ and ‘sister’ suggesting they may well be the only incestuous political party we have.
The Green Party deserve a mention if only because it’s a nice color. There are also the Democratic Unionists from Northern Ireland and the Ulster Unionists. I know nothing about them other than a former leader Ian Paisley had an extraordinary sounding voice and, there is of course The Scottish National Party (SNP) supported by none other than Sean Connery. They want to bankrupt Scotland by taking her out of the United Kingdom. Crack on chaps and ‘oop yer kilt!’
Plaid Cymru are Welsh – but someone has to be, and the Respect Party don’t have much.
That’s it then. British Politics explained. Simples!
God Save The Queen and Aleksandr Orlov (who is a Russian Meerkat by the way, and if you don’t know you are clearly not in England)
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James Smith
March 15, 2013 at 8:39 am
Yes, it is confusing because to Americans, The liberals there are conservatives as our Republicans claim to be, and the conservatives are actually more liberal than our Democrats. Or maybe from your point of view, the opposite is the case.
In fact, it seems to me that in the USA, all politicians are in thrall to the moneyed interests that contribute to their slush, oops I mean campaign, fund. For both parties, that means large international businesses, insurance companies and big pharmaceutical firms.
What all this translates to is that, either way, we’re fucked.
Norman Rampart
March 15, 2013 at 8:53 am
It depends on the day of the week over here. On Mondays the Liberal Democrats are very ‘left’ but by Thursday they’ve drifted to the middle. The Conservatives are usually right unless they are left but that’s generally on a Wednesday. Labour are left but try being right when they think their left stance isn’t working so that’s usually by Friday. UKIP are definitely right but in an eccentric rather than ‘right’ sort of way.
At least the Green Party is consistantly…erm…well…green?
Yep. We’re fucked.
James Smith
March 15, 2013 at 9:10 am
The important thing is, are we all being fucked equally?
Somehow, I suspect some are allowed lube and maybe others even are bought dinner and a show first.
Norman Rampart
March 15, 2013 at 6:09 pm
I’ll certainly forego the lube but dinner would be nice
Michael John Scott
March 15, 2013 at 9:23 am
I have dual citizenship: US and UK. I’m fucked twice.
James Smith
March 15, 2013 at 9:25 am
Well, that’s certainly not equally fair, either way you feel about it, too.
Jess
March 15, 2013 at 10:35 am
Sometimes that can be a good thing. In this case…um…not so much. Hey, don’t judge haters
Bill Formby
March 15, 2013 at 1:09 pm
I think the British are more interesting because you have more than two teams to keep up with. Here we have these two major teams that control the football. Either with one of them, or you don’t really get to play at all. The Tea Party is not really a party because they are really Republicans who are in a really bad mood all the time. Hell they don’t even invite the rabbit to their tea parties. The Independents are not really a party because they usually side with the Democrats but they just don’t like being labeled. The Libertarian party are few and far between but they are just a subset of the Republicans. The Progressives are not really a party but they call themselves the “real” Democrats. Then there the members of the Ralph Nader Party. They hold their meeting in a phone booth in front of the capitol building every four years. But, unlike the British politics only the Republicans and Democrats are allowed on the field to actually play the game, unless of course you are a billionaire or your name is Grover Norquist and have strings attached to the main Republicans so you can play the game by proxy.
See Norman, our systems can be simplified also.
Jess
March 15, 2013 at 2:37 pm
I think the progressive title came about because liberal became a dirty word after a meeting with Frank Luntz or someone who did a focus test. Kinda like the way they all refer to the “democrat” party like it’s a bad thing. Me myself and I are proud to be labeled liberal. I love to watch the British parliament go after one another at their sessions with the PM there. Forget what it’s called, but they get into some serious snarkitude once in a while and I wish we could do that more often here. Banging on tables, waving of arms and so on, to get their points across. I would fit well as an MP over there
Michael John Scott
March 15, 2013 at 4:15 pm
I’m also proud of the liberal label Jess, and really don’t like progressives, even though they are supposed to be liberals with another name.
Norman Rampart
March 15, 2013 at 6:18 pm
Our Liberals are clearly not your liberals and the only progress they seem to be making is towards oblivion – not bad going for a party that are currently in government by inexplicably bizarre methods.
Still, their leader Nick Clegg eh? Might as well have appointed Boris The Spider or even Aleksandr Olov – at least he’s a Meerkat and would get some votes!!!
Norman Rampart
March 15, 2013 at 6:14 pm
It’s called ‘Prime Ministers Question Time’ Jess. Various MP’s ask the Prime Minister a question and he spends a variable amount of time not answering it….or something like that
Michael John Scott
March 15, 2013 at 4:16 pm
We’ve got another nutty bunch out there Bill, but damned if I can remember their name.
Bill Formby
March 15, 2013 at 5:39 pm
True Mike. At least they have some clear divisions where they can develop coalitions to get things done instead of just two where one can essentially handcuff the other.
James Smith
March 15, 2013 at 6:06 pm
Good point, Bill. That’s the situation here in Brazil. There are many parties, some are difficult to discern from another but I’m confident that, to their followers, the differences are enormous.
The main benefit I see is it’s very difficult for any one party to have a majority. Even in presidential elections, a run-ff between the top vote-getters is normal. This means in the legislatures, coalitions are usually formed to allow anything to get done. I see two benefits there. It keeps things more civil because a group you disagree with might be necessary to you next week. The other advantage is that often almost nothing gets done. With politics, that’s about as good as you can hope for.
I suspect that’s why Lula was so successful. He actually did very little besides fly around the world enjoying being O Presidente. Yes, he did give good jobs to his friends and family and no doubt lined his own pockets, too. But that’s what politicians become elected for. I can live with that. It’s the ones that actually want to DO SOMETHING that cause all the trouble.
Norman Rampart
March 15, 2013 at 6:22 pm
I tend to shudder at politicians who genuinely want to ‘do something’ mainly because what they want to do has no baring on the people who live in their country.
Probably the best ones to asassinate ?
Norman Rampart
March 15, 2013 at 6:20 pm
Handcuffs? We do have a few politicians that relate to handcuffs…along with call girls (prostitutes) and bondage and so forth…worryingly they tend to be our better ones…
Norman Rampart
March 15, 2013 at 6:15 pm
The Nutty Bunch Party?…I’d vote for them!!!
Norman Rampart
March 15, 2013 at 6:12 pm
erm…um…quite…I will confer with Aleksandr…he’ll know..he’s a Meerkat after all!
Norman Rampart
March 15, 2013 at 6:23 pm
On the plus side we have got Boris Johnson!!!! Now there’s a guy who could put the fun back into funotics!!!!
Norman Rampart
March 15, 2013 at 8:23 pm
It’s now half past midnight in England si I’m off to sleep…hic
Ann
March 16, 2013 at 5:24 pm
Erm think bit confused – Labour are equivalent to Democrats and Conservatives are same as Republicans. You’ve got it arse about face. Didn’t bother to read any more.
Paul Penny
March 16, 2013 at 5:39 pm
Sorry mate, but Ann is right:
US Republican = UK Conservative Party (Pro-Capitalist, serves the interests of big business and those who are already rich.)
US Democrat = UK Labour Party (more Socialist, serves the interests of the Working Class).
However, the Labour party is much more left wing than the Democrats. If you compared the policies you’d find that the Democrats and the UK Conservatives were more similar and there wasn’t an exact match to the Labour party in America as that would just be considered way too left wing and “un-American.”
Thankfully we don’t have anything like the Republicans in the UK.
Basically the UK is a lot more Socialist than America, so even our “Conservatives” would seem left wing to the average “Yank” . . .
Take that from a right Englishman. You sure you live in the UK Norman?
Norman Rampart
March 16, 2013 at 8:29 pm
I deffo live in the UK mate…I seem to have crossed my right and my left though in America. I do find politics very confusing here so trying to understand it over there is a tall order!!!
Personally I’m currently UKIP.
WTF eh?
Norman Rampart
March 16, 2013 at 7:36 pm
Ann and Paul…
My profuse apologies. I may well have got it ass about face but I find politics in England confusing so what chance have I in America???
I assume you are right Ann so I got it the wrong way around…but….does it really matter?
Same shit different day eh?
x
TheModerateCentrist
March 26, 2013 at 4:15 am
dafuq did I just read? I can’t understand this lol.