Brits Like Driving and How America Saved Britain’s Donut Industry
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As a driving instructor I have been trained to train people to drive safely for life, and it’s the best occupation I have ever had. Every job preceding it was to ‘pay the bills.’ Some were OK, some were bloody awful and none lit my fire.
If I won an obscene amount of money on the Euro Lottery this week and had enough dosh to buy a small South American republic, I would carry on being a Driving Instructor.
My students from abroad – The USA, Sierra Leone, France, Germany, Italy, India, Pakistan, various African countries – actually it would be easier to name the countries who haven’t supplied me with a driving student – all tend to agree that the British Driving Test is probably the hardest in the world to pass.
I once had a Ukranian driving student – we’ll call him Alex, as that was actually his name ;-), was learning to drive relatively late in life at the age of 44 – not my oldest student mind you, David is 66!
Alex had served with the Soviet Special Forces and served time during their attempted occupation of Afghanistan – shouldn’t the West have learned something there?
He was, and is, as we have been pals many years, very ‘Russian’ in his outlook. A very ‘precise’ person.
“Alex, the speed limit on this road is 40 mph (miles per hour – I have no idea of the American equivalent) and, if it is safe to do so you should travel at the speed limit and no faster”
“Da! 40!”
Whenever a vehicle passed us doing 45 or 50 Alex would put his arm out of the window, clench and shake his fist and shout “SON OV BEETCH! HE BREAK RULE!!!”
I tried to break him of this habit – as his Driving Examiner might not entirely approve – by suggesting that middle aged men, such as myself, who drove large four wheel drive vehicles tended to be bullies and, they tended to have large vehicles to compensate for having little penises. I emphasized the point by waggling my little pinky finger.
One such vehicle hurtled past us at waaaay over the speed limit and Alex went into his ‘SON OV BEETCH’ routine. I reminded him of why middle aged men did this.
The vehicle in question stopped at the next traffic lights and we pulled alongside.
Alex shouted “OI!” to the driver. As it was summer time the windows were down.
The driver looked across at us and Alex waved his pinky finger at him, smiled and said “Leetle dick” – I said “Bloody hell Alex! Drive!!!”
Now the British have long had a love affair with cars – as have Americans and pretty much any developed nation you could name.
It isn’t the cars that are a problem, it’s the lunatics behind the wheel – and I was one of them until I learned to be a Driving Instructor.
I have had students actually try to run over someone because they knew them and didn’t like them – thank God (or the deity of your choice) for dual controls!
I’ve had students who were so bad I’ve offered to buy them an ‘Oyster card’ which is the card used for public transport.
I had one particular student called – well – lets call her Camie who is a very old American friend. Not that she’s old! Just old in terms of how long I’ve known her.
The American student henceforth known as Camie was a very good student and, in a remarkably short time, a very good driver.
She failed her first British Driving Test on a maneuver known as ‘Turn In The Road’ aka turning the car around to face the other way. She should have passed first time with flying colors but blew it.
“YOU DONUT!” I exclaimed on hearing the Driving Examiners debrief – even he was ‘gutted’ for her but he had a job to do.
From that day on she was known as DONUT. When she passed easily on her second attempt I bought her a donut. This tradition has continued since my American student as every student who passes now gets a donut, and, as a result, the British donut industry has prospered due entirely to an ex-pat of the USA.
So there you have it. The British Donut industry has survived the recession in this country entirely because of an ex-pat American and her British Driving Instructor. A Driving Instructor who seems to be quite good at what he does and, as a result, spends a ridiculous amount of his hard earned on donuts.
I told you we had a “special relationship!”
God Save The Queen, donuts and my former students and pals, Alex and Camie
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I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. In fact, I’ll continue to say it until the USA does something!IT’S TIME FOR THE US TO MOVE INTO THE 20TH CENTURY!!! We are now well into the 21st century. There is no excuse for our dismal performance in healthcare! YES, I am more than in favor of single-payer!
I agree. er…I think….um…the healthcare thing is another post sweetheart but, NO MATTER!!! Marsha IS RIGHT!!!
um…I think?
Sorry babe, I’m a natural piss-taker.
You ARE right and it matters not about which post it is and whether you are on the right post….WTF???
If you are right you are right.
You sweetheart are RIGHT!!!!
…so there yer go
I think the driving rules are more guidleines about how we should be driving 🙂 Not really, drivers here are rude and impatient as all get out. I cannot tell you the amount of times I have narrowly escaped being hit when I am out running. My mother and I went to Thailand, to scatter my dad’s ashes and those people are way scary drivers. With those little tuk tuks just doing whatever they wanted, now THAT was some scary driving experience.
Been there seen it. It IS frightening but it is also very funny eh? – Well I thought it was!!!
My heavens James. It sounds like Italy, where the Italian driver has to rank right up there with the Brazilians. Crazy, crazy, crazy.
I have never driven or even been ti Italy, but I have heard much the same thing. DO you think it has something to do with having famous F1 drivers, such as Aryton Senna?
Aryton Senna da Silva was, as we all MUST know, Brazilian therefore he qualifies as a maniac/genius in F1 terms – and I certainly mean no disrespect for the deceased.
He liked driving in his car….
Bloody great driver.
I so hope none of my students die on the roads but I suspect somewhere some will. The ‘law of averages’ says so.
Still.
I will take sollace in the knowledge I once bought them a donut. 😉
Trying to be him is why so many Brazilians feel a personal challenge when any car is in front of them.
Yes, he was one of the all-time great F1 drivers. So was I. Only I was never offered a F1 ride. Their loss, I’m sure.
I wish we could send you every Brazilian driver. Men and women alike regard a car in front of them as a personal challenge and an insult to their man- (or woman-) hood. That car MUST be passed, even if they slow down after passing it.
There are many here who would rather run down a pedestrian than to slow their car for two seconds. Just yesterday, I was nearly hit by a motorcycle and a car at the same intersection. The car was stopped because the motorcycle had turned right from the left lane (common here and apparently not illegal) and was blocking the only available lane. The car started right at me even though I was plainly still in the street. Of course, I was hard to see at 3 PM in a white shirt, black Bermudas, and a white cap.
To get a driving license here, you must take a psychological exam. I said to the examiner, “Is this to determine if you’re crazy enough to drive here?” He laughed-a lot. That was worrisome, too. I suspect I had just “broken the code.”
I wonder what traits have Brazilians to fail that psychological screen for driving? That’s just so odd.
As I said. They have to demonstrate they are crazy enough to drive here.
For a motorcycle endorsement, they must demonstrate a death wish. They must be good, though, I’ve personally only seen two or three a year being scraped up off the streets.
Thanks for brightening up a cold and gloomy Friday. I’ll buy myself a donut on my way to work in honor of your American students.