Fat folk at Walmart, traffic trolls, and Elvis impersonators

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Every once in a while I feel like going on a bit of a rant. Why? Damned if I know, but that’s just the way it is sometimes. Like now. There are things that people do that bug me, annoy me, bother me, and down right piss me off, but, seeing as how I am now a somewhat mature adult most of the time, I try to be cool, and, let it pass. Of course that can only go on for so long before my tolerance chamber for ‘stupid things’ fills to the saturation point then I have to release the overflow.

For example: I’m cruising down the interstate amid light traffic. Ahead of me is a big tractor trailer carrying God only knows what, and a sedan with a back seat full of kids. Both are doing about 65 mph and I ease into the left lane to cruise past them as does the sedan, and there we sit, the sedan in the left lane doing 65.1 mph and the truck doing 65 mph, and me slowing down from my normal 75 mph and sitting gritting my teeth for hours, staring intently at three little heads in the back window. It just drives me nuts!!

It makes me want to be a smart ass and pass the guy on the emergency parking area in the middle, also one of my pet peeves. Yeah, you know the type. Traffic has slowed down for umpteen miles for an accident or road construction and most everyone has accepted their fate and creeping along, and then BLAM! out of nowhere here comes “Mr. I ain’t got time for this” roaring down the the emergency parking lane throwing road debris everywhere, to try to nudge into line way up ahead.

I just want to open my driver’s side door sometimes (not a smart move) just to show him he can’t do that, but I never do. It reminds me of a song titled “Blow ’em Away” that I used sing way back when I had a band. “I pull out my pistol, I blow him away.” Too bad I don’t carry a pistol, or maybe not. Who knows?

Now, don’t get me wrong, my obsessiveness with those things that drive me crazy is not limited to the highways. I realize that this may offend some folks, but, I’m sorry. I live in the South, the capital of obesity, so seeing grossly overweight people is hardly unusual. Don’t get me wrong. I’m no gazelle, and I’m not taking about folks who are ten, twenty, or even thirty pounds overweight. I understand that for some folks it may be due to a medical condition, but when two people cannot pass each other in the aisle of the grocery store, it’s too much.

One of the best places to view these behemoths is any small town Walmart. On any given Saturday afternoon you will see any number of rotund adults trailed by whining, screaming rotund kids, pushing at least two carts through the store. Every once in a while one of the adults will stop and slap one of the kids, which of course only makes the kid cry more.

Another thing: why, really why, is this woman who clearly needs to be wearing a tent, shopping for herself in the petite women’s section? Do these people even own mirrors? Not to pick on the ladies, how about the men?  Their pants are cinched tightly with enough gut hanging over their belt to make THEM seem to be pregnant with triplets. He’s looking for jeans in the waist size of ’36’ I guess because they don’t have ’64.’  Well, you’re right. I don’t have to go to the Walmart, but it still ticks me off.

Now on to Elvis impersonators. I’m a fan, but come on people, the man has been dead for 35 years. Let’s enjoy his music and let him be. Try to sing like him if you want to, although you would be wasting your time, but lose the jump suit, dyed hair and side burns. Thank you, thank you very much.

How about those religious or non religious zealots? Folks I don’t care what you believe or don’t believe, so just keep those beliefs to yourself. I don’t care if it’s Buddha, Mohammed, Jesus, the tree outside your window, or the goat down the road; the nothing in space, the beings in space, or absolutely nothing at all. Leave me out of the conversation. I really could care less where you are going when you die, if you die, or are reincarnated. OK? I don’t need your pamphlets, handouts, letters, or invitations. Thanks.

I’ve many, many more pet peeves but I won’t bore you, dear reader, with any beyond this last one: people who think I care about their telephone conversations. Oh damn I hate to be somewhere and out of nowhere I hear, “OH! You know It Girl”, “Let me tell you what I heard” Or “Hey man, What’s happening?” Yeah, well let’s grab some brews and look for some chicks” “Ah Hell, Tell her to go Screw herself.” Enough!

When did I ask to be put into the middle of your damn conversation or your social life? Can’t you save that crap until you at least get in the car? The cashiers and customers in the grocery store are waiting for their money and you’re holding a social event or making plans for the evening. The lady in front of me is quieter but instead of checking out she’s trying to explain to the dog sitter how to get her dog to take a crap. COME ON PEOPLE! Move on with your freaking lives. Please.

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About Post Author

WAFormby

WAFormby has spent his life trying find out what he wants to be. When he determines that he will let everyone know, including himself. Most of his life he has been an educator and still enjoys bringing the light of knowledge, as he knows it, into the darkness of ignorance, as everyone else knows it. Despite his wealth of experience, education and knowledge he is humble and tries not to take himself too seriously.
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Jess
11 years ago

My peeve is the phone one like you. I do not turn my cell phone on when I go out and it aggravates me, when I am out somewhere with friends and they get to getting on their phones. If I am out with friends I am out, you know how to get hold of me and I do have voice mail. I have pissed more than a couple of my friends off, leaving them with no ride home from me, when they get to talking on the phone, and ignoring the rest of us gathered if I am the driver. When they call they’ll ask, why did you do that? Yours truly always with the same retort, well you obviously did not really want to be where you were so, I left your ass there to do whatever you were doing and left to do what we were going to do anyway. We are either going out to have fun or we’re not, let me know next time so I can avoid the aggravation and I’ll go do something else. I am brutal with the phone thing and everyone that knows me knows this, so if you are expecting that VERY important call from your mother’s hairdresser’s brother’s cousin’s niece’s vet about little Fido having pink eye and not being able to pee by himself, I don’t want to hear about it.

**Jess tiptoes away with pamphlets about dogs having sex with goats and invisible unicorns, as a new founded religion, that is the one true one, before she is seen**

Bill Formby
Reply to  Jess
11 years ago

lol Jess. Yep, we should compare notes sometime. I loved your rant. 🙂 🙂

Jess
Reply to  Bill Formby
11 years ago

Imagine it in valley girl speak with Italian hands doing the talking and you have me chastising friends for daring me, yes daring, to try my patience about the phone thing. I sometimes think I was born too late.

Bill Formby
Reply to  Jess
11 years ago

You mean, like, you know, they just ignore me, you know, and like, you know, it just gets me so angry … (tossing head back and forth, hands flailing in the air, exasperated look on face) 🙂 🙂

Bill Formby
11 years ago

Arturofone41, love that name. You are probably right my friend.

Arthurofone41
11 years ago

Bill this is a riot. Couldn’t stop laughing and I bet your peeves are everyone’s peeves. Good one.

Admin
11 years ago

Bill when I first read your piece I couldn’t stop laughing and shaking my head alternately. Your peeves are exactly my peeves, and will forever think of this story when I find myself in the Cairo, Georgia Walmart.

Bill Formby
Reply to  Professor Mike
11 years ago

Thanks Mike. You know it could be worse. You could be in a Wal Mart in Cairo, Egypt.

Jess
Reply to  Professor Mike
11 years ago

If you find yourself missing them, you can always go to people of Walmart webiste and have more than a good laugh. I know it is really bad to laugh at other’s expense but I do it anyway. Do it when you are feeling a tad lonely and you will soon know, loneliness is the better option 🙂

Greenlight
11 years ago

I haven’t enjoyed a rant this much since Andy Rooney was still around.

P.S. If you happen to get a pamphlet from me in the mail about worshipping trees and goats, please disregard.

Bill Formby
Reply to  Greenlight
11 years ago

Thank you GL. I miss Andy.

Greenlight
Reply to  Bill Formby
11 years ago

Likewise!

Admin
11 years ago

“The medical condition that affects most obese people is an overproduction of the glandular system, specifically, the salivary glands.” LOL LOL! You got that right James.

11 years ago

Indeed, we all seem to feel like that at times. I share some of the same peeves with you. Remember my article about “Why are some people such jerks?” My theory is, it’s personal convenience. They have their cruise control set at 65.1 mph and it wouldn’t be convenient to press lightly on the accelerator to speed up a bit. After all, they are in no hurry, why should anyone else want to go faster?

The medical condition that affects most obese people is an overproduction of the glandular system, specifically, the salivary glands.

Well done and spot on.

Bill Formby
Reply to  James Smith
11 years ago

Good point James. If they don’t have food in their mouths all the time they tend to drool everywhere.

11 years ago

I wish I’d had prior warning about this article – I just spat my orange juice all over the screen.

As I’m adopted I wonder if you’re my long lost brother?

Brilliant and funny!!!

Bill Formby
Reply to  Norman Rampart
11 years ago

Oh gosh Norman. I am sorry. Next time I’ll title it, “Put The Orange Juice Down Now, And Back Slowly Away From The Screen.” OK?

Jess
Reply to  Norman Rampart
11 years ago

I just did the same thing with my tea Norman. I have visited the people of Walmart, never a Walmart itself, website and trust me, that is when you should never have anything close to a drink or food in your mouth when you persuse through the goodness there.

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