Why Sirius-XM needs to fire Howard Stern

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Mr. Scott is a political junkie, and animal lover. He is also a U.S. Army veteran, career law enforcement executive and university professor. In addition he happens to own MadMikesAmerica which means he can write anything he wants, and often does.
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howard stern 300x210 Why Sirius XM needs to fire Howard SternSatellite radio was expected to be the next big thing for an America anxious to do away with the relentless product peddling of terrestrial radio.  It was supposed to be commercial free.  All music, talk, news, all of the time.  That, of course, turned out not to be the case, as America’s only satellite radio outlet, Sirius-XM has just as many commercials as AM and FM.  It also has the 100 million dollar a year Howard Stern.  At least when he’s actually in the studio, which is a rare occurrence indeed.

The self proclaimed King of all Media signed on with Sirius in 2005, and his contract was renewed once again in 2011.  Unfortunately, the Howard Stern of 2006 is no longer with us.  What we hear today is just a vague memory of the fun and entertainment that was once the hallmark of the shock jock America loved to hate.

Stern’s first contract called for him to be on air four days a week, from 6am to 11am.  His current contract however, requires him to be on the air three days a week.  Unfortunately that “requirement” is subject to the interpretation, no doubt, of Stern himself, because on any given week subscribers may tune in to Stern only to get some tired repeats, some as old at 20 plus years, called “Mammary Lane” or “The Stern Show Shuffle,” and not live programming.

The reasons for Stern’s continuing absence are less than complicated.  He’s been voicing displeasure lately about his life at Sirius. According to a story from local media news site Examiner.com, Stern said on Monday’s show that he was “miserable” and “would be happier if he quit work.” The Examiner.com story also quoted Stern as saying that he might look to leave his contract early.

In 2012, he became a judge on the television talent show America’s Got Talent, replacing Piers Morgan. These days it’s all Stern talks about, and even gave AGT it’s own channel, Howard 101, to a ’round the clock discussion of NBC’s show, disappointing millions of people who enjoyed the diverse programming of Howard 101, including the West Coast Feed, popular for those who don’t need to get up at 0600 hours and drive to work.

The talk of AGT notwithstanding, even when Stern is actually there, the old spark is gone.  His ever popular “whack packers,” a motley collection of madcaps and misfits from all over the country, rarely make a telephone appearance, and that makes for a lot less laughs.  The behind the scenes interactions with staff are limited to a few brief exchanges.  The Howard Stern Show of 2013 is a much watered down, less exciting version of The Howard Stern Show 2006.

Speaking about a lot less laughs, comedian Artie Lange, once a Stern show staple, left after attempting suicide in late 2009, which resulted in an 8 month stay in a psychiatric ward in 2010.  This left Stern and his eternal sidekick, Robin Quivers who broadcasts remotely and isn’t even in the studio, to make up for lost comedy fun, and they just don’t get it done.

The Stern show today is an unexciting mess of interviews with porn stars, tired celebrities, and relentless babble, that only succeeds to bore the increasingly frustrated subscriber.  And that’s when Stern is actually there, which is rare, as he pursues his new television interests.

According to Stern himself, the bulk of Sirius-XM’s millions of subscribers are there because of him.  His fans.  Loyal to the end.  Those same fans, however, are starting to complain about Stern’s ever increasing absences, sometimes for weeks on end, and they’re beginning to wonder why they’re paying $17.99 a month to listen to someone who is rarely there.  I can guarantee when people spend their hard earned money to listen to Howard Stern, they don’t know they’re paying for a memory.

Long time Stern pal Mel Karmazin, is no longer the boss at Sirius-XM, and one can only hope that the new CEO Jim Meyer, will start looking to replace the ‘king of all media,’ whose days of radio greatness are well behind him.  After all, that would be the right thing to do for Sirius’ over 22 million subscribers.  Are you going to do the right thing Mr. Meyer?

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107 Responses to Why Sirius-XM needs to fire Howard Stern

  1. Lyndon Probus Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 12:14 pm

    I was a fan of Howard Stern for over 20 years, but stopped listening when he renewed his contract and reduced his hours to 15 a week, when he’s there, which is rare. The loss of Artie Lange, and Stern’s obvious disenchantment with the job he’s been doing for decades, have hurt the show. It’s no longer worth the sacrifice of paying for satellite radio. I canceled my subscription last year.

    • ArtiesLiver Reply

      April 5, 2013 at 4:41 pm

      I`m a major douche and howard stern is too.

    • Anonymous Reply

      September 17, 2013 at 10:19 pm

      I get so angry when I wake up and haven’t wet the bed

  2. Mark Willis Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 12:20 pm

    I agree. The bright moments are rare on the Stern show. If Bubba the Love Sponge wasn’t such a sports fanatic he could replace Stern.

  3. Dale Fisk Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 12:26 pm

    Once a loyal Stern fan here but not now. Dropped subscription just last week. Tired of tuning in and finding nothing but those horrible repeats. I’m paying for Stern today, not yesterday.

  4. AnonymousNot Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 12:56 pm

    It’s a consensus. Stern needs to go. Once in a while he will amuse, but the days of pulling the car over because you’re laughing so hard are very, very rare.

  5. James Smith Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 2:07 pm

    I didn’t even know he was still on the air. I never did subscribe to satellite radio and was only a lukewarm Stern Fan. I don;t miss him and I suspect many others do not, either.

  6. Baker48 Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 2:38 pm

    Big fan here. still love the guy, although show not nearly as good and he’s never there.

  7. BenBas Loves TehLivingDeath Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 2:51 pm

    If only Howard and the gang would continue to listen to my ideas, the show would improve. If they read the threads I create at dawgsaloon.com they would be able to turn this trainwreck around.

    Great article and a thumbs up for boxcutters.

    • Parker Lee Reply

      April 5, 2013 at 3:24 pm

      It certainly needs improvement. That’s for sure. What the hell does “boxcutters” mean?

      • Leroy Jenkins Reply

        April 5, 2013 at 5:52 pm

        It means your mom has a dick.

        • Parker Lee Reply

          April 5, 2013 at 6:34 pm

          That’s right. I caught your mom sucking it.

  8. Norman Rampart Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 3:01 pm

    On the plus side he did replace Piers Morgan ;-)

    • Parker Lee Reply

      April 5, 2013 at 3:24 pm

      I love Piers Morgan. Straight shooter.

      • Leroy Jenkins Reply

        April 5, 2013 at 5:53 pm

        Does his cum taste like fish and chips?

  9. Mel K. Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 3:39 pm

    My only job was to make Howard Stern and a few others people very wealthy.
    Howard Stern loves sexy baby wipes!
    Baba-booey…(Jackie laugh)

  10. Dan from Chicago Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 3:42 pm

    …and my 2nd question
    Pay me the money you owe me Howard Stern.
    You didn’t get a raise.
    You lie all the time!

  11. Howard Stern 10/06/04 Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 4:00 pm

    “…………..Artie asked about the other channels that Howard will be producing. Howard said they’ll have their own channel, that will not be a premium channel, where he will have some other performers working for them. He’s trying to get that worked out already. Howard isn’t sure if it’ll be commercial free yet. He will have two other channels, one of them being a premium channel, that he doesn’t want to talk about at this point……………………..”

  12. Don B Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 4:04 pm

    uchwald

    I’m happy to announce that Howard Stern will be the next leader of North Korea.

  13. Bill Formby Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 4:04 pm

    I think Howard’s time has come and gone.

  14. John Cooper Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 4:10 pm

    ummm.. Mr Mad… you DO realize the AGT 101 channel was an April Fools prank that went on for less than a day right..? RIIGHT?

    I mean to carry on as if you are, err or were, such a huge fan and claim to know so much about the Stern world, and insinuate you have your finger on the pulse of the Stern universe SURELY you weren’t fooled by the prank and/or have since heard it was all a joke right..? RIIIGHT?

    Otherwise the credibility of your entire column could be called into question.. RIIIIIIIGHT?

    • WinkyBlueIris Reply

      April 5, 2013 at 5:55 pm

      Yo mad mocker, so what the fuck? The dude would know that if there were new Stern shows on more than like two days a month. Say what the fuck? April Fool? Hey, MadMike knows his Stern man and I say right on mud driver. More Stern less Stern Shuffle.

    • Mutt Reply

      April 6, 2013 at 7:57 am

      I PRANK!
      NO ONE ELSE!

      oh wait…

  15. djenkin8 Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 4:13 pm

    The howard Stern show is the best show on radio.20 million people a week listen,Howard said so himself.The haterz love this kind of article.Puncher and uncensord always put this s**t up on sFN and never quote the good things ritten on thedirty.com.Then they rite lies about howards wife being a glodigger and a w*o*e.theres no proof for any of it just like theres no proof for this article.

    • djenkin_loves_childrens_feet Reply

      April 6, 2013 at 3:42 pm

      No I will not send you pictures of my kids feet you sick pedo f@ck

  16. B. Bronk Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 4:16 pm

    Howard provides a good living for me and my lovely girlfriend Elisa Jordana. I started out as intern and now I am head writer for the show. We are doing the best we can. Howard is a great employer to work for and treats us well. Howard has evolved as have us all. Please continue to support the show and we will try to entertain you every day that we are on.

    • Leroy Jenkins Reply

      April 5, 2013 at 5:45 pm

      Go blow a dead moose, you fat blotchy queer.

      • WinkyBlueIris Reply

        April 5, 2013 at 5:56 pm

        ROFLMAO!!! That ain’t the Bronk Man dude.

  17. John Daniels 819 Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 4:44 pm

    I’ll lick anyone`s balls who work on the howard stern show…because i’m a douche bag

  18. Ralph Cirella Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 5:00 pm

    When Howard’s done eating my mud muffin, he’s gonna prance over to your house and slap you silly! No, just kidding! Howard’s a lover, not a fighter. He loves big, black, mandingo cocks.

    Be sure to listen to Geek Time every Friday from 12-2 PM.

  19. Anonymous Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 5:05 pm

    The show is jam packed today.
    I have a million things to get to.
    Robin, have you heard this Kasey Kasem tape (from 1984)?

    • General Lee Reply

      April 5, 2013 at 5:57 pm

      HA!!! Yep. That’s it on the head man.

  20. Jackie Marlowe Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 5:08 pm

    I believe Stern is like the biblical Sampson. Somebody PLEASE rip that lama carcass off of his headd and let me watch him melt into oblivion like that green skinned witch from the Wizard of Oz. F. Timmy.

  21. John Stamos Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 5:11 pm

    Leave my buddy Howard alone. So what if he has a fake chine, fake nose and a bad wig from the 80s. So what if he no longer makes people laugh and, instead, talks about gay rights and how to treat your pets for two hours every morning. So what if he works 2-3 days a weeks and spends the majority of his show talking about a 3rd rate talent show that nobody cares about. So what if AGT’s rating’s dropped ten percent when he became a judge. So what if nobody watches his On Demand channel. So what if his old fans hate him and nobody under 25 knows who he is. So what if he’s a cuckold. So what if I banged his horse-faced, mentally challenged wife. So what if his daughters date Negroes, make out with chicks or write awful Jewish poetry. So what if the man is an effeminate joke with no grasp of reality. He can bench 90 pounds and he’s my buddy. And that’s all that matters.

  22. SFN Mutt Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 5:15 pm

    When Dr. Ivan gets mad, he lifts his arm up and rubs his sweaty armpits on my face and head. I want to tell him to stop, but I kind of like it. Don’t tell Dr. Ivan though. If he knows I’m into it, he might stop.

  23. Zoo Za Zoo Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 5:15 pm

    I agree with Mr. Marlowe. Much like Medussa, Stern’s power comes from that JewFro laddled with AfroSheen. I hope somebody in one of these AGT cities rips that skunk pelt off of his head. The last time I saw hair like that it was on an electrical power line repair guy who took 30,000 volts and died. Ponderous & F. Timmy as well.

  24. Emily Stern Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 5:22 pm

    Fire
    The fire of my menorah’s lit candles
    The fire that burns in the engines of El Al’s jets

    Fire
    Fire my father? My daddy?
    Like Abraham traveled West from Ur
    I travel East from LI
    Daddy pays. Daddy funds. I rely on daddy!

    Fire. He cannot be fired.
    My daddy cannot and shall not be fired.
    I, his daughter, dream.
    We, his daughters, dream.

    In those dreams, we cannot hold his fortune in the fire.

  25. Fred Norris Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 5:29 pm

    No…no! Sirius can’t fire Howard! I’m 60 years old, have no talent or skills and I have a job (thanks to Howard) where I don’t actually do anything. If Howard gets fired, I’ll have to sell my Honda Gold Wing and my guitars and then I couldn’t play my shitty King Norris music at old white trash dive bars filled with drunk meth heads and slutty fat women. No, Howard must not be fired. Howard must NEVER be fired!

  26. Robin O Quivers Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 5:37 pm

    Wise man say:
    She who puts coffee in her butt is she who will pee into a bag.

    Buy my new book, “The Vegucation of Robin.” Then you can send it to an Eritrean family so they can use it as fire wood (then I can write it off as charity.)

  27. Will Murray Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 5:41 pm

    I’m my son’s uncle.

  28. Ashley Jade Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 5:42 pm

    I just want to perverts to know that I love teasing you with my Facebook pics. My sister, Zoo Za Zoo, may support a retro bush but I can assure you that this daddy’s girl is smooth as silk.

    And a special shout out to my biggest fan, GaryPuppet.

    xxxoooxxx
    Ashley Jade

  29. Gary Dell Abate Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 5:46 pm

    Hey MadMike…

    What do you do for a living?

  30. Jackie Martling Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 5:50 pm

    What has four arms, four legs and yells, “Ho-Dee-Ho! Ho-Dee-Ho!”?

    The two black guys who are fucking Beth while Howard’s judging dancing poodles!

    I got a million of ‘em!

  31. jon deutl Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 5:56 pm

    Glad to see the rest of the world is starting to realize that Stern is a liar and a fraud. Most of his formerly loyal fanbase has deserted him, the pathetic AGT ratings are definite proof of that. The King of All Hypocrites should stop embarrassing himself and just retire. He makes a bigger fool of himself every time he opens his mouth.

  32. Jackie Martling Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 5:56 pm

    Who wears all black and scares Howard to death?

    Judge Kapnick!

  33. Jeff "Mutt" Hay Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 5:56 pm

    I completely agree with this article. Stern has just lost it. I would also like to say that the show I host should also be cancelled. No one listens to it and I have really hard time finding Super Fans who still listen to that wigged fаg.

    Thanks,

    Jef “Mutt” Hay

  34. BethOstrosky Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 5:59 pm

    My assistent read this articul to me. Im a palled. Howard is a good fertographer and took my pictoe in the sno. He maid my mom a nice vid e o of my gay bruthers horsing arownd with me. I luv animoes and latrelle and deshawn and shaquille and marcus and…..

  35. Heidi Klum Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 5:59 pm

    Vut dass “mud chark” mean? I hear people calling me dat every vhere I go lately.

  36. Norman Rampart Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 6:04 pm

    Question. WHO IS Howard Stern? Inquiring minds would like to know.

    soz…I am English tha knows

  37. Mack Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 6:06 pm

    I know this article is about me somehow. I’m going to get you Scott!!!!

  38. Mel B Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 6:07 pm

    Leave Howard bloody alone, you wankers. Bollocks to you chadwuzzling grimmy gripers! Howard and I have really hit it off. I call him Matzoh Spice and we do a dance routine for Howie and Heidi.

    It’s quite nice, mates.

    You can call Howard a “hasbeen” all you want, but if he was a bloody “has been,” then how the bloody hell would he be doing a TV talent show with a member of the Spice Girls, a 40 year old model and a former comedian who used to blow up a rubber glove with his nose!?

    Gul powah!

  39. Bianca Romaign Stamos O'Conell Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 6:16 pm

    I miss Howard and Beth. I used to sleep in Beth’s shoe with the cats. I really, really wish mamma Beth didn’t take me to the vet and put me to sleep for snoring too loud. I tried to stop, but I was just a dog. I didn’t know any better. But hey, at least up hear in heaven, I don’t have to watch Howard rubbing one out to interracial babysitter porn and I don’t have to worry about Rosalita kicking me because Howard yelled at her for interrupting his meditation when she vacuumed the East wing hallway.

  40. John Daniels 819 Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 6:25 pm

    i’m Artiesliver’s gay lover 819

  41. John Daniels loves the cock Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 6:37 pm

    As my name indicates, I LOVE the cock.

    That being said, I have nothing further to say.

  42. Crazy Alice Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 6:41 pm

    This is just crazy shit you motherfuckers and I know what you doin’ Artie. Hey there Fred. How come nobody calls me no more?

  43. Norman Rampart Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 6:50 pm

    Can somebody please please please tell me? What – I mean who the hell IS Howard – I’ve forgotten – erm…ang on whilst I scroll back up….Stern! That’s him.

    WHO IS HE?????

    • NotJackieMartling Reply

      April 5, 2013 at 6:55 pm

      WTF dude? You live in england or some shit? Yeah. Well, you could just GOOGLE the dude you know but you limeys may not have shit like that so Stern is/was a HUGE radio personality in the US. Like HUGE. Big Ego, Big Nose……Got a show on satellite radio.

      • Norman Rampart Reply

        April 5, 2013 at 7:18 pm

        So he’s a radio DJ? And? Since when does a radio DJ engender such approbation? He plays records and says things.

        Remarkable…

        Odd. Very odd if you ask me, which, of course you didn’t so I will not dwell on this strange business.

        It is sometimes a very strange world.

  44. Howard's Bonus Money Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 6:54 pm

    I’m so glad that Mr. Karmazin got to keep me.

  45. Elisa Jordana Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 6:57 pm

    I just put a TicTac in my dick hole so, now after Benjy blows me, he’ll finally have nice breath.

  46. Former Fan 1990-2011 Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 7:11 pm

    Howard Stern’s 10-Step Formula for a Horrible Premature Retirement

    Step 1. Spend 25 years brutally bashing celebrities for being self-absorbed, humorless attention whores. Send out stuttering assholes to torment them anytime they step onto a red carpet or promote a vanity “charity” project. Goof relentlessly on old idiots with fake hair, Chiclets for teeth, contrived costumes for clothes, and elitist attitudes and habits. Devote your entire career during that time and your entire persona to the fight for “free speech” against the FCC. Rant and rave against radio management for “ruining my show” with too many commercials. Express outrage at the lack of “integrity” of shows that permit product placements.

    Step 2. Routinely tell millions of people that other people’s wives are “horse-faces” and “fidgets” and “butherfaces”; pray that other people’s little kids become gay junkies; and play (replay, and re-replay) daily clips from TV shows that are so bad they’re almost good. Destroy competing disc-jockeys for promoting the stupid vanity bullshit of their talentless wives and for shilling their stupid books and other shit in their shows. Call them out for using ghostwriters to “write” their books.

    Step 3. Call out your competitors for “doing a disservice” to their audiences because they don’t work 5 days a week. Repeat that mantra countless times on the air and on guest appearances on TV. Call out idiots in the entertainment industry for being untalented bags of shit who got lucky in the looks department. Spend your whole 6th decade of life glued to some hair that got ripped off a Third-World person’s head. Crow about all your charitable work for the NSAL from under that hair hat and show up to NSAL events wearing leather and carrying obscenely expensive leather purses and manpurses.

    Step 4. Start taking up all the hobbies and habits that you spent endless hours tearing other people new assholes for. Get super busy buying Eurotrash clothes for teens with a know-nothing creepy fuck who has been caught stealing money from poker tables and at dinner tables and who makes Kato Kaelin look like a Nobel laureate. Insert clauses into all contracts establishing that creepy fuck’s importance to provide him a lifetime salary for nothing and establishing the “paramount” importance of the rest of the ’round-the-clock looks maintenance team that you employ on the dime of your TV show. Refer to all that vain shit as “evolution” instead of admitting it and just allowing it to generate some harmless humor and goofing at your expense in the spirit of what your show used to be about for 25+ years.

    Step 5. Refuse to allow the same sources of humor that used to be organic to your show by letting a psychotic cunt opt out of uncomfortable conversations even though she contributes nothing else of value to your show. When she embarrasses herself all by herself on the air over something ridiculous and walks off the show, refuse to allow any comment on it on your show or on any other show on your 2 channels. Pretend it never happened. Bore us with Ralph’s “input” daily but then hold back on the one thing he did that got him banned from your home. Reference it regularly, always declining to discuss it, and invite Ralph to do it himself for the 10th time. Bore us with Benjy’s endless unfunny shtick but even let him opt out of conversations about a photograph taken of exactly the way that idiot chooses to present himself in public at your party. Keep replaying the “No more Bullshit” mantra during commercials.

    Step 6. Start changing your tune about all those talentless shitbags who got lucky every time your new wife meets one of them. Share a private jet with one of them and his mega-famous wife but barely mention it on the show. Blow off long-term employees’ weddings that were planned around your convenience and previous complaints about time of year and location to make last-minute social plans with that same talentless shitbag you recently befriended. Ignore the funeral of two 25-year employees’ parents (except to have your assistant send flowers and food) but make sure you personally attend those of anybody famous if you met them only once or twice at a party when they were alive because those are opportunities to see and be seen. Cry like a cunt (again) that you weren’t given preferential seating as a VIP.

    Step 7. Refuse to replace the only funny person on the show and turn what was a funny show that relied on your orchestrating other people’s humor into a safe, 2-way conversation about gay TV shows between you and a no-talent cunt who was never remotely interesting, funny, or entertaining, except in the few ways that you have now decided to protect her from. “Meanwhile,” allow her to promote her various vanity projects and those of her shitbag friends and the douchebag she fucks but refuses to discuss on the air as much as she wants instead of show content. Refuse to include any of the actual show “talent” in harmless bits like the IQ test and foist anything potentially embarrassing on the office staff nobody gives a flying fuck about. Impose strict moratorium on any discussion of your indoor bowling alley and those new in-mouth pins you call “teeth.”

    Step 8. Cut back your days to 4 and then 3 per week, but make sure you first lie to your audience about your intention to do just that each time. Call it something incredibly patronizing and stupid and sleazy like “some Fridays” and a “flexible” schedule when it’s actually every Friday for the next 5 years and it’s so calculated and completely inflexible that the contract spells out the exact number of shows required and you end up having to make up some before the end of the year because you accidentally took off even more days than you were allowed to by contract. Make it painfully obvious that you refuse to be there a single minute beyond your formal obligation, start playing as many commercials as you used to say “ruined your show” and also cram in about a dozen live reads during the last hour of the show. Insert countless bumpers and music to waste still more time. Start the show at 6:10 instead of 6:00 as often as possible. Respond to fans’ totally understandable and legitimate complaints by telling them you piss on them. Just keep insisting that the show’s “better than ever” that this is “the best crew we’ve ever had” and that you “hit it outta the park” daily. Rely exclusively on the opinions of celebrity sycophants and of 2 or 3 obsessed wackjob fans and torment your audience with regular calls from the most annoying Long Island twat who ever lived who has nothing better to do than live on the phone on hold 4 hours every fucking day that your show is live. Install an ISDN line so we can hear the one with an 85 IQ and nothing interesting to say (ever) pretend that he’s not using every point of his miniscule IQ struggling to read his pathetic list of asshole-licking questions he stayed up all night writing just to tape himself praise every smelly shit you take for the 1,000th time. Take absolutely no note of the fact that those two and dimwit losers like “Double A” and a leaching shitbag who can’t even figure out how to wipe his ass after 40 years on the planet are representative of the type of individuals who really think you’re a person to be “admired.”

    Step 9. Work 3 days a week and make it very clear that you consider that doing your fans a huge fuckin’ favor. Spend the rest of your time on the same hobbies you once tore others new assholes for taking seriously, walking red carpets, and tweeting out ridiculously photoshopped pictures of your model wife that are so bad that the vanity calendar you created actually makes it onto photshopgonewrong.com. Start crying like a cunt (again) on the air that your fans are too “mean” because they’ve been goofing on you and your wife and your stupid statements and projects on the Internet the exact same way you’ve always goofed on other celebutards before you became one. Implore the owner of an independent website not affiliated in any way with your show to close down his forum because you don’t like what your fans have been saying about how horrible your show’s become in the last 2 years and about your wife’s looks. Don’t consider for even a split second that they may actually have any valid complaint or a point about the show’s incredible drop in quality since Artie left. Continue not inviting him in for an interview while he tours other shows and broadcasts his own 5 nights a week even though he’s said he’d love to come in to talk about everything. Claim it’s strictly out of concern for “him.”

    Step 10. Come back the next day and close out the year by announcing that you’ve taken a job on the gayest TV show of all time that your fans hated just hearing you talk about for the last few years on the same network that you called Jay Leno a cunt for continuing to work for after they fucked him the same way they once fucked you. Cut back your horrible show to 2 days any week that you choose to “work” at that other job you only took as a “Fuck you” to your current employer for “only” paying you about $80 million in your new contract. Use about an hour per remaining show to explain how grueling it is to be on a TV show and that you’re still working very hard whenever you’re not on the air for Sirius.

    Congratulations KOAM. Enjoy your retirement. Good luck with that whole Internet censorship campaign thing.

    • chinkinthearmor66 Reply

      April 5, 2013 at 7:23 pm

      Now that’s an explanation. Well done, and well said former fan. Every word you have written is true. I hope Mr. Mad turns that into a stand alone article. Good on ya man……or woman……

      • Michael John Scott Reply

        April 5, 2013 at 7:42 pm

        Mr. Mad is going to do just that. Publishing a few minutes after midnight ET.

    • Colin Powell Reply

      April 6, 2013 at 12:13 am

      Nigga, I ain’t reading all that shit

  47. Wendy the Retard Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 7:16 pm

    Yo stinkfingers. Sumbody tell howard I shit my bed again and need a new matres so can he send me money cause he dont call no more the big noes jewer.

  48. Norman Rampart Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 7:21 pm

    Oh dear. I think I’ll make my coffee and go to bed. I am clearly in the land of people several sandwiches short of a picnic.

    Goodnight from England – and, based on what I am reading – good luck!!!!

  49. B. Bronk Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 7:25 pm

    I’m living off Daddy’s money. I’m a total fraud.

  50. Howard's Wig Buyer Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 7:47 pm

    The first year of Stern on Sirius had a lot of potential, but by mid 2007, it seemed clear to me that Stern wasn’t going to develop programming for his Howard 101 channel. Rather, he was just going to get his “tapes” back from his K-Rock days, and play them endlessly. What a revolution. Even sadder that his wife, Yoko–oops, I mean Beth– is so bent on becoming a celebrity, it forced Howard to become friendly with all the people he used to rail against. How sad that someone that was once, for all intents and purposes, “the original shock-jock”, has become a money-grubbing shell of his former self. I cancelled in the fall of 2007, and I’m happy none of my money goes to him anymore.

    • Bubba Reply

      April 5, 2013 at 8:33 pm

      I’ve been considering canceling Sirius for months now, and every time I tune in to Stern on Monday morning and find out it’s another repeat my resolve is hardened. One of these days…..

  51. Artiesliver Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 8:02 pm

    I’m a mongoloid

  52. Ollie1982 Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 8:39 pm

    Somebody needs to put this on Reddit, but I don’t know what category works best. I’m on my iPhone so I can’t do it.

  53. Bobby Barker Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 8:42 pm

    I don’t like the lazy prick but who would replace him? Fucking Bubba is all about freaking sports and besides he burned his Sirius bridges ages ago when they fired him. Someone needs to step up.

    • Runsbare12 Reply

      April 5, 2013 at 8:49 pm

      They’ve got an entire Reddit called Howardstern.

  54. Former Fan 1990-2011 Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 9:17 pm

    Awesome. Thanks, Mike. Just sent you a message about attribution for the “10 Steps…” thing. Fantastic website BTW.
    -Clumpy

    • Michael Scott Reply

      April 5, 2013 at 9:27 pm

      Thanks Clumpy. Got it and sent you a mail.

  55. Artie'sLiver Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 9:24 pm

    Howard and his horse face wife should just go away for good.

    Fuck mutt and his cock sucking website. http://www.sternnation.com is where ill be for now on.

  56. E. Offen Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 9:27 pm

    Stern use to be funny riiiiight! erythroblastosis fetalis thrombosis & thalidomide. Violet get my hair brush.

  57. Dawg Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 9:55 pm

    Fuck sternnation

  58. Django Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 10:34 pm

    Agreed. Fuck Sternnation.

  59. Scott Ostrosky Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 10:35 pm

    Shut the fuck up, Winst.

  60. Dave Davidson Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 11:28 pm

    Howard is king. You guys are fucking crybabies. Don’t listen to him if you don’t want to. You guys are obsessed freaks.

    • John Melendez Reply

      April 6, 2013 at 6:11 am

      more people know i am now then Howard stern because of jay leno and i am proud to work for a show that does better ratings then that crap show agt which nobody watches now.

      Howard stern know nothing about performing on stage

      oh my the king as fallen.

  61. Judge Kapnick Reply

    April 5, 2013 at 11:57 pm

    Yes, fire his lazy ass. He wasted valuable court time with that frivolous piece of crap lawsuit. Only a Jew could think they were entitled to a bonus when the people involved couldn’t even hear his fucking show. And no, I wasn’t on my time of the month when I wrote the decision, you wig wearing fraud.

    • Eric lynch Reply

      April 6, 2013 at 2:15 am

      Ryan lever +meth + pedophile= no daughter

  62. Eric lynch Reply

    April 6, 2013 at 1:58 am

    Ryan lever hurt my bum while he was doing meth…Ryan go find a job already

  63. Robin Reply

    April 6, 2013 at 2:46 am

    Cackle cackle cackle, and uh… meanwhile, cackle cackle cackle. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. You know. Cackle cackle cackle. Meanwhile, cackle cackle. I was just going to say that. Meanwhile, they say “you know”. Cackle. Cackle. I was just going to say that. Cackle. You know. You know. And uh, cackle.

    Cackle? Cackle.

    And uh… they say “cackle”.

    Meanwhile, cackle.

    I was just going to say that. Cackle. You know. Meanwhile… cackle.

    Radio. Fucking. Gold.

  64. Smarter than madmike Reply

    April 6, 2013 at 4:31 am

    Howard had nothing to do with it not being commercial free. In fact since he was a big draw they added more commercials to his show. Also Stern signed on in 2004 not 2005. If you quote TheExaminer you are a retard as they are nothing better than a blog like this crap. The AGT channel was a 1 day joke, idiot. This author is an ignorant failure. It’s easy to say replace Stern but guess what? FM/AM radio failed to do it.

    • rowdy62 Reply

      April 6, 2013 at 9:46 am

      WTF man? You come over and slam the man? Smarter than Mad Mike? I think not. Try reading the article before criticizing it, or, at the least, try to find a literate family member, and I know that might be hard, to read it to you. Get the fuck outta here douche bag.

      • Smarter than madmike and rowdy62 Reply

        April 7, 2013 at 3:35 am

        rowdy62, you moron I specifically criticized this article on points mad mike was wrong about. Read my post and the article again and see if it can’t sink in.

    • Reality Reply

      April 8, 2013 at 12:56 pm

      And you believe Howard isn’t responsible because he told his audience that? What about the huge increase in product placements on his show where he spends 45 minutes plugging a product just because he ‘likes it’? Do you also believe him when he says he has 15 million listeners? Howard constantly lies to the audience nowadays. His favourite tactic is blaming Sirius (‘the man’) for everything. He negotiated his contract with them and knows exactly what’s in it. Sirius isn’t pulling any surprises, Stern just wants the stupider segment of his audience to believe that, which some of them clearly do. The rest just go read his contract online. If they had broken the contract, he would have quit or had a successful lawsuit against them.

  65. John Malone Reply

    April 6, 2013 at 6:24 am

    We at Liberty Media takes the criticism against Howard serious. I can assure you that we are working hard on trying to solve the contract issues with Howard so that he can leave the channels.

    We pay Howard over 80 millions a year + a 70% cut of the commercials + App bonus + almost 20 millions in Show budget.

    Just look at what Howard have done with the show budget. There are 77 persons working on The Howard Stern Show including the Indemand people.

    77 people and they can’t manage to fill 12 hours of new content per week?

    The nail in Howard’s coffin was when we did some ratings with Howard. Howard loves to preach that 60% of SiriusXM subscribers listens exclusive to him. Howard claims that there are 24 million subscribers, so he claims that 18 million listens exclusive to him.

    Last I checked, XM listeners can’t even get Howard 100/101. Less than 10% of XM subscribers opted for the best of Sirius including Stern. Even if 100% listen to Howard he could only have 10 million listeners.

    The funniest thing is that we did a real survey/ratings. Howard have less than 100K listeners per day. Thats why we won’t resign him when his next contract runs out.

    And we are working hard of getting Howard to leave early charging 3000 dollars to fix a door. That stuff drives Howard nuts since he only have got 1.1 billion from Sirius/raked in 2 billions during his career.

    One shekel gone for Howard is like losing a child for him.

    Howard is such a super-jew that he openly admit that he won’t go to a temple because it cost money.

    • Rusty Talent Reply

      April 8, 2013 at 12:50 pm

      One point about the 77 people he has working there… most of them aren’t on air personalities or writers. And those are jobs they have been thrown into because Stern doesn’t want to spend the money to hire qualified people for those jobs. Then he goes on tirades blaming his staff for the issues with the show. Even if it is only filling 12 hours a week, you still need people with some talent to do it. The quality of the current show clearly demonstrates what happens when you don’t. Stern is to blame, not his staff.

  66. Username Reply

    April 6, 2013 at 6:33 am

    Howard did make much more than 100 millions/year during his first contract. We know that since the contract is online due to the law suite.

    1) Signing bonus 50 million
    2) Annual licensing fee a bit under 100 millions
    3) Howard Stern generated subscriber bonus: zero
    4) Sirius subscriber bonus: 330 millions in shares that Howard sold the same day. One of the main reasons why SiriusXM was a penny stock.
    5) Free 24/7 limo service.
    6) If “promoting” Sirius: Free private jet + AAA class accommodation
    7) If Sirius and XM merge: 28 million dollar bonus
    8) Free studio payed by Sirius. 100% Creative control over 100/101, a show budget payed by Sirius. (Howard don’t pay anyone)
    9) Sirius bought Howard’s old tapes for 4 million and licensed then from Howard. All programming/tapes will be owned by Howard when the contract ends.
    10) Howard Stern Premium channel bonus H102. Zero

    So just during his first 5 years he raked in 1 billion.
    And he STILL sued SiriusXM for 300 millions more.

    The only 2 bonuses Howard did not get was the performance based. he generated ZERO subscribers + he did never launch the “premium” channel.

    Howard is a serial liar and only gets hired by tribes mates.

  67. Emily Stern Reply

    April 6, 2013 at 8:09 am

    Haiku is easy
    Even when it’s done poorly.
    Refrigerator. ☺

  68. Howie's former accountant Reply

    April 6, 2013 at 1:26 pm

    Why did you let me take the fall for your pump-n-dump scam, old pal?

  69. ArtiesLiver Reply

    April 6, 2013 at 5:58 pm

    im the douchiest douche of all the douchey VIPs on SFN

  70. Who would have thought Pig Virus was the good guy Reply

    April 7, 2013 at 12:09 am

    Over the last 6 years the show has declined to the extent that now it is so unlistenable that it isn’t even worth stealing anymore.
    About 2 years ago, I still felt sorry for Stern. I felt that because of his age, and the fact he was so enthralled by his slightly dented trophy wife he couldn’t see that he was destroying his legacy by his embarrassing antics and general awful state of his show.
    However I have come to realize that I had it the wrong way around. The Anti-establishment renegade Stern that I grew up with was the phony and that he was simply using his fans and everyone around him to get to the point where he could sell out and show us the real Howard Stern – An unctuous money grabbing slime ball with awful nouveau riche taste in clothes furniture and friends, and a desperate longing to suck the asshole of the rich and famous and have them suck him in return.

    I no longer pity Stern, but pity myself for being hoodwinked for so long.

  71. Jay Thomas Reply

    April 7, 2013 at 3:12 am

    get rid of him!

  72. Jinah Dance Reply

    April 7, 2013 at 4:35 am

    Howard pisses on his fans.

  73. Rusty Talent Reply

    April 7, 2013 at 9:28 am

    “According to Stern himself, the bulk of Sirius-XM’s millions of subscribers are there because of him” …except he has never provided any proof of this. nor has Sirius or XM backed him up on those statements.

    • Anonymous Reply

      April 15, 2013 at 7:53 pm

      Howard is far and away the best radio host. He is getting screwed by Sirius/XM. As soon as he leaves there will be a mass exodus from Sirius/XM and it will fail. The show is still fantastic.

      • Michael John Scott Reply

        April 16, 2013 at 8:35 am

        I have to agree that Howard is an outstanding radio host, and I suspect Sirius/XM will fail when he leaves, unless they find a replacement. No one, without exception, is indispensable. As to Stern getting screwed by Sirius, I can’t agree. I expect he’s the ultimate “prima donna.”

  74. jon Reply

    February 2, 2014 at 3:56 pm

    Where do i start with this guy? he’s so messed-up.
    Howard is a miserable, childish, hyper-neurotic that will never be happy no matter how many times a week he sees his shrink and no matter how many hundreds of millions he has. He sees the shrink 4 times a week and he is still the same petty, jealous, potty-obsessed creep that he was 20 years ago. He still asks his guests how much they’re worth and how big their penis is. He’s always comparing himself to everyone else in a constant quest to feel good about himself. All this without telling them when they ask, how much money he has ….he has them all beat but still has to hear it so he can feel better about himself. He surrounds himself with social misfits, obese guys and gargoyles so he can belittle, criticize, and disparage them – again so he can feel better about himself.
    No one has exploited more people to get where he is than Howard. He will never see this or admit to it because malignant narcissists are masters of self-deception and justification.
    In response to a news article, he once said on the air that children don’t listen to his show, and then the next guest, an 18 yr old girl, said that she used to listen to his show when her mother went to work, and is now a stripper thanks to him.
    I suppose one can say that he has matured to a degree but it’s because of biology, not because of the shrink’s counsel.
    As men age they become more satisfied with who they are and accept their lot in life – its brain chemistry. But since Howard is so gullible and dependent he will continue to see this sheister on a weekly basis until he the day he dies, all the while thinking the guy is helping him. This shrink is laughing all the way to his yacht thanks to the insecurities of Howard.
    Howard gets on the air and negotiates his contract by planting seeds (NLP)with his superiors bitching about this or that – a one-way negotiation. Should he be shamelessly doing this type of thing on the air? They should get a show of their own and counter all his points. I still listen but turn it off more now than ever – I see him and Robin for who they truly are and am becoming more disgruntled as I get older and wiser.
    I’m out-

  75. Maggie22 Reply

    February 2, 2014 at 5:03 pm

    I agree with you.

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