I suppose the very least I can do is offer up an explanation for this seeming oversight given that I mentioned every other religion worth a mention in order to avoid being considered secular and only offending a minority – If I’m going to offend I will offend all. I do not discriminate when offending.
So, why did I leave out The Mormons from my ‘Religion-ometer’?
Mainly because they are just too silly. I included ‘Jedi Knights’ and ‘Moonies’ and, of course, that Tom Cruise/John Travolta lot but, silly as they clearly are they can’t compete with the silliness of Mormons.
For a start, Mormons can marry more than one wife. They could have two wives.
“Hey guys? Let’s get nagged in stereo eh?” – now be honest, isn’t that just plain silly?
Of course, Mormons can have more than two wives. Perhaps they could have four?
“Hey guys? Let’s get nagged in quadrophonic surround sound eh?” – now be honest, we’re going beyond silly here aren’t we.
Besides, like Muslims (who have their own branch of ‘silly’ entirely to themselves) Mormons do not partake in the delights of alcoholic beverages. Clearly they are a part of a sinister religious cult – I nearly hit ‘n’ instead of ‘l’ but remembered we at MMA must remain respectful – so, to find any common ground with The Mormons I would need to start from a sober position, which clearly isn’t going to happen.
Last of all, although certainly not least, is the teeth. Now I have no objection to people having nice teeth. I am particularly partial to women having nice teeth as the prospect of kissing a woman with blackened teeth or, indeed, very few teeth is one I find abhorrent. – Don’t you? (I apologise for the question if you, dear reader, are a woman – unless you happen to be gay or bi of course in which case I withdraw my apology as you do know precisely what I mean)
Need I say more?
Probably not but, as this is me, I undoubtedly will won’t I?
Over the last few months I have observed advertisements on the sides of London buses saying somewhat obliquely “The Mormons Are Coming”. I had and have absolutely no idea what that is all about but I sincerely hope they aren’t coming here.
Four or more wives, an inability to enjoy the wonders of alcohol, The Osmond’s.
I may consider emigrating to somewhere if the bloody Mormon’s come over here too. For God’s (or the deity of your choice) sake! We’re living with Christians and Catholics and Muslims and Hindu’s and Sikh’s and Jehovah’s Witnesses and Jedi Knights and Moonies, – er, well actually I’ve no idea whether we have any Moonies over here but with our ridiculously porous borders it’s more than likely – and Muslims – oh sorry, I said them already – oops – comes from living in their near proximity. You sort of get obsessed a bit. Jews and Christian Scientists and Buddhists and Rastafarians (is that a religion? I’ve no idea) and Scientologists and Baptists and on and on and on and on.
How could I forget The Mormons? Easy. The same way I would love to forget religion in all it’s weird and crazily stupid forms.
Peace be upon you.
Still. We’ve more than enough religious nutters in Britain thank you very much so, America, please surround Salt Lake City with tanks and missiles and, if any attempt to leave for Blighty, point your guns and launch your missiles and BOMB THE BASTARDS!
Anyway? Who needs Syria when there are so many we can kill within eh?