Looking at MY life at this present time I would love to know what others make of it and whether, to them, it contains anything they would deem ‘normal’.
I am a driving instructor. I teach people to drive safely and, hopefully, pass their driving test. That’s normal enough isn’t it? Admittedly I call my occupation ‘putting death on the roads’ but that’s just my natural ‘dark humor’. It isn’t abnormal really.
I have been married for almost 28 years and have been faithful to my wife for the same amount of time – well there was that incident in The Five Bells public house in Harmondsworth about 5 years ago but that was just me being exceedingly drunk and a drag artist got a bit carried away – perhaps we’ll leave that alone eh? Besides, it wasn’t MY fault and nothing happened fortunately because I was exceedingly drunk. Let’s leave it there eh?
My wife had a complete mental breakdown about 2 years ago due to ‘pressure of work’. She was an extremely clever Micro-Biologist. She dealt with ‘bugs’ and ‘germs’ but any suggestion that she was attracted to me due to her occupation will be gracefully ignored.
For about two years after her complete mental breakdown she regularly hit me on the head with a frying pan. I’ve always assumed this was related to her temporary mental illness rather than a desire to hit me on the head with a frying pan. Having said that, I was somewhat relieved, as was my head, when she ceased and desisted about 4 months ago. If my head was to be flat on the top it should have happened at birth rather than at the age of 56.
We have seven cats – it was eight until the other day when one decided to die and is currently residing in our freezer until the daughter returns from Essex to have her cremated. I had to sacrifice a packet of frozen peas to fit her in but, for the daughter, a packet of frozen peas is a small price to pay is it not?
As a former ‘Union Rep’ I negotiated a ‘pay off’ from her hospital in order to prevent her having to go through the tribunal system for which she would not have been mentally strong enough – on the ‘mend’ she may be but a degree of fragility remains although, thankfully, frying pans are no longer involved in her condition.
Today she asked about her pension from Britain’s NHS. (National Health Service)
“Am I being paid yet Norman?”
“Sorted” I replied succinctly
“How do I know?” asked the wifey
“Phone the bank” I replied.
She did. She asked them for the current balance. On their response she fell over – literally. As we were standing in the kitchen which has a hard tiled floor it’s as well I caught her on the way down.
I put her in an armchair and left to ‘put death on the roads’.
I returned home 8 hours later to find the wifey in the armchair as I had left her – although she was awake by now.
“£92,000?” she asked.
“How did you do that Norman?”
“Simple. I was a Union Rep, I know my employment law and, most of all, I love you”
This is MY normality – now, thankfully, minus the frying pan – she has no idea why she wanted to hit me on the head with a frying pan but, on the plus side, the base that made regular contact was flat so it could have been worse eh?
I’ve growled loudly at my daughters former boyfriends who have complained about said ‘growling’ to her – until Max who I haven’t growled at because I suspect he is ‘the one’. I’ve spent money we didn’t have ferrying my daughter around Europe as an Aerobic Gymnast until she had to have a titanium rod in her spine to straighten it – now THAT was fun : NOT – she finished her Aerobic Gymnastic career 2nd in Britain and 7th in Europe (pretty good eh?) and, more to the point, I got drunk in Lithuania, Latvia, Austria, Eastern Germany (where I actually drunk a hotel dry of ‘white beer’), Portugal, France, Germany and places I can’t remember mainly due to getting so drunk I might as well have been on Mars – although, in my defence, the drunk bit was due to celebrating my daughter winning medals and stuff.
We have, because of me insisting on ferrying my daughter all over Europe to win medals, about 25K of credit card debts – which we can now afford to pay off but, frankly, they can wait their turn as the credit card company’s are generally assholes – and, as I sit here typing I realise that what I have is so precious.
A wife I love and, perhaps, bizarrely loves me. A daughter I love and would die for – well, I’d die for the wifey too as long as frying pans weren’t involved.
So many friends I speak to look at me as if to say “Are you all nuts???”
Are we? Am I?
Do I care?
Life throws you many things, some good some bad. If you can get drunk and type an article for MMA that screams “I love my life and wouldn’t change anything for the world” then you aren’t doing half bad are you?
Well – maybe I’d change the frying pan bit but life’s never perfect is it?
God Save The Queen and love and hugs to MMA
Life can be a bitch but sometimes, just sometimes, when you think about it.