When Norman Met Royalty or These Fokkers Were Messerschmidts

Read Time:3 Minute, 44 Second
Fokker: Pic by www.aerospaceweb.org
Fokker: Pic by www.aerospaceweb.org

I have admitted in a recent post to being a Freemason (albeit somewhat reluctantly – that’s reluctantly a Freemason not reluctantly admitting it by the way). If this contribution is being read on MMA then, clearly the Freemasons are being unduly generous or MMA is no more and I am talking to myself – which is not, necessarily, a problem for me although I admit I miss MMA if the Freemasons have closed you down and I feel particularly guilty if I am in some way responsible. Me? Never!

Oh BOLLOCKS!

Look. I have no idea whether Freemasons have any power. I suspect not. There may be Freemasons who have power but they would have power regardless of being Freemasons – unless they’re part of Quatuor Coronati of course but I think we’ll not go there eh? Let’s not push our luck. We all know what bastards the Mafia are eh? shhhhh Norman…hush now.

Whilst ‘in the chair’ or, if you prefer, the ‘Master of my Lodge’ I was invited to attend an assembly of newly elected ‘Masters’ along with all our wife’s to meet the ‘Grand Master’ of Freemasonry in Great Britain. None other than Prince Michael of Kent. Norman meets Royalty – whoohooo!

We all duly assembled at the allotted place and time and awaited our turns to meet the man himself.

The wifey and I happened to find ourselves fairly high up in the queue – about 8th in the queue if memory serves.

On our arrival in front of the Grand Poo-Bah (I also tend to refer to the Freemasons as ‘The Secret Squirrel Club’ so don’t mind me) we were introduced to him – and his wifey, Princess Michael of Kent. I’m sorry but any woman who thinks calling herself ‘Michael’ is clever is clearly bats in the belfry – mind you she is half German and half Austrian.

We were introduced accordingly by The Master of Ceremonies.

“Mr & Mrs Norman Rampart!” he announced dramatically.

I looked Prince Michael in the eyes and said “There’s over a hundred couples behind us and you’ve got to stand here for hours, you need any good jokes?”

“I would love a good joke or story to tell” he answered as the wifey desperately tried to pull me away – but, not to be deterred when talking to Royalty I persevered as the wifey almost pulled my jacket sleeve away.

“Ever heard of Stan Boardman?” I asked his Royal Panjandrum

“No” he honestly said.

“He’s a Liverpool comedian” I explained, “who has been banned from TV”

“Really?” said the Grand Vizier

The wifey was trying desperately to move me on – after all the years of marriage then – maybe 15 – doesn’t she know me yet?

“Why has he been banned from TV?” asked the Royal one

“Ahhh!” I said, “this is your story to tell the many behind us”

The Master of Ceremonies was, by now, looking slightly alarmed and the wifey was verging on apoplexy but I persevered in the interests of free speech.

“Stan Boardman appeared on ‘Des O’Connor Tonight’ – an early evening chat show and Des asked Stan ‘Why do you hate the Germans so much?’ as Stan clearly did given his penchant for hurling abuse at Germans.

Stan said, “My dad was a Spitfire pilot in WWII and a squadron of German Fokkers flew over his airfield and bombed it. Only my dad got off the ground and many of his pals were killed”

“I’m so sorry” said Des

“It’s OK” answered Stan, “my dad got airborne and flew into the squadron of Fokkers and opened up. he was badly wounded but he kept going. There was a Fokker falling there and a Fokker falling here”

“Look” said Des, with slight alarm, “I think we should explain to the viewers as it’s early evening that a Fokker IS a make of German aeroplane”

“That’s right” said Stan, “but these Fokkers were Messerschmidt’s!”

The wifey did forgive me eventually – and I suspect she’s quietly proud that I had the balls to say all of that to Royalty. Prince Michael certainly seemed to appreciate it although, given his wife’s antecedents I avoided eye contact with her. She may be relatively ‘junior’ royalty but I’m buggered if I’m spending any time in The Tower of London.

God Save The Queen!!!

(I thought I’d better say that. Let’s be on the safe side eh?

About Post Author

Neil Bamforth

I am English first, British second and never ever European. I have supported Oldham Athletic FC for 50 years which has made me immune from depression. My taste buds have died due to too many red hot curries so I drink Kronenburg beer and milk - sometimes in the same glass. I have a wife, daughter, 9 cats and I like toast.
Happy
Happy
0 %
Sad
Sad
0 %
Excited
Excited
0 %
Sleepy
Sleepy
0 %
Angry
Angry
0 %
Surprise
Surprise
0 %
0 0 votes
Article Rating
Subscribe
Notify of

13 Comments
Newest
Oldest Most Voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
10 years ago

Incidentally ‘oh Editors of mine’ – try to avoid the ‘heading’ giving the ‘game away’ chaps?

American’s aren’t as daft as your editing of the title suggests they are chaps – and chapesses.

Give your readers some credit eh? 😉

Peter Lake
Reply to  Norman Rampart
10 years ago

Norman here’s how this works: you do the writing and we do the editing. We assume you know what you’re doing and you can trust us to know what we’re doing. Thanks old bean 🙂

Reply to  Peter Lake
10 years ago

What? You’re trusting Norman? Are you daft? Anyone that will tell a semi-obscene story to royalty on first meeting clearly cannot be depended upon to be discrete, much less rational.

Next thing we know, you’ll be trusting me. Hmm, I could take advantage of that…

Reply to  James Smith
10 years ago

LOL. Good points James 🙂

Reply to  Peter Lake
10 years ago

You assume I know what I’m doing?….Oh dear 😉

10 years ago

I’m clearly ‘thick’ James old bean.

I can ascertain that ‘Fokker’s might mean ‘fucking’ but try as I might I can’t fathom Polish WWII pilots and “Finishing School for Young Ladies of Quality.”

Tell me the story old bean. I await with bated breath!!!!

Reply to  Norman Rampart
10 years ago

It’s the same story. Except it was a WWII Polish pilot who had escaped from Poland early on and was flying Spitfires, or maybe it was Hurricanes, for England. Some time after the war, he was invited to speak at the school as that war was “before their time” and the head mistress (love that title) thought he would bring history alive for the “young ladies of quality.”

He was telling of a tough day in combat when were “Fokkers to the left of him, Fokker to the right of him, Fokkers in front of him…”

The Head Mistress (that term again!) interrupted to explain a Fokker was a German make of warplane.The the punch line, “No, no, dese Fokkers ver Messerschmidts!”

As an aside, I have “Charge of the light Brigade” set to music. I also have ones like “Annabel Lee,” “Gunga Din” and others. All are superbly done by a group called “The Three Ds” Albeit maybe 50 years ago.

Reply to  James Smith
10 years ago

SOOOPURB!!!!!

Reply to  Norman Rampart
10 years ago

Coming from Sir Norman of Royalty-baiting fame, that is affirmation of the most exalted form.

Speaking of that, one can only bate one’s breath just so long. Additionally, what is the difference between “bate” and “abate?” I will accept the word of a true English raconteur and scholar of note as being unimpeachable. As if it may have been peached at all.

Reply to  Norman Rampart
10 years ago

BTW, for a video of a Fokker DVI and DVIII I have something from a flight simulator posted at:

http://s1181.photobucket.com/user/slrman/media/Flight%20simulator%20videos/ClassicAir.mp4.html?sort=6&o=17

The Fokkers start at about 1:45 into the video. Not that the Sopwith Camel should be ignored.

Reply to  James Smith
10 years ago

Thanks James. I was once a big flight simulator fan.

10 years ago

When I first heard that story, maybe 30 or 40 years ago, it was a Polish WWII pilot speaking at a “Finishing School for Young Ladies of Quality.”

The punch line was the same though and it ‘s still a great story. 😀

Previous post Should Prisoners Be Allowed to Smoke Pot?
Next post Billy No Mates: After the Shooting
13
0
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x
()
x