Bigmouth Strikes Again

About Norman Rampart
I am an Englishman, originally from a small village in Lancashire where everyone looks the same - even, slightly worryingly, the sheep. I have been residing reluctantly in the general area of London for 38 years. I came here for three weeks, ran out of money and couldn't afford the coach fare home. I believe that an Englishman's home is his castle. Even if it is only a small end of terrace pile of bricks.
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When those in the public eye make idiotic statements or show themselves to be stupid / insane / bigoted / inhumane / thoughtless / liars / morons (delete as applicable) we, the common man (I know, I should have said ‘person’ – sorry ladies) laugh out loud at their discomfort.

Margaret Thatcher on the birth of her first grandchild : “We are a grandmother” We???? Her Majesty Queen Thatch. Good grief!

Ronald Reagan on Prince Charles and Princess Diana’s visit to the states : “Princess David” – He thought she was a bloke??? (in fairness he was in the early stages of ‘call me’ Alzheimer’s so I shouldn’t laugh really even though I do)

Dan Quayle : “If we don’t succeed we run the risk of failure” – Uh? Why isn’t this man President?

Christina Aguilera : “So where’s The Cannes Film Festival being held this year?” – er, Glasgow perhaps?

George W. Bush : “I think war is a dangerous place” – isn’t that place just down the road from Liverpool?

Arnold Schwarzenegger : “I think that gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman” – now that would be novelty.

David Icke : “I am a snow plough” – well it makes a change from ‘I am Napoleon’ I suppose.

It’s easy to laugh at their stupidity of course – and so we should. If you chose a career that puts you in the public eye then you run the risk of being shown up as a complete idiot to the world in general purely through, well, your own idiocy really.

However, half of the humour is down to the fact that we know who these people are. That’s the only way we know what they said. if the local butcher made a stupid comment few beyond the doors of his butchers shop would ever know, unless he’d tweeted it of course. The internet can be a very dangerous place – just up the road from Liverpool I believe.

I’m curious. How many readers, or indeed, contributers to MMA will have the balls – sorry ladies, I must rephrase, the courage to own up to speaking about something ten seconds before their brains caught up to tell them to be quiet.

I plead guilty as charged m’lord

“You look a bit queer today” – to a gay friend

“When’s the baby due then?” – to a fat neighbour I hadn’t seen in a while who’d got even fatter (we’ve all thought it even if we haven’t said it eh?)

“I’m only here for the wake. I’m in the mood for a few drinkies” – to the wife of the deceased whom I had never met.

“Hop on then” – to a hesitant passenger in a much earlier guise as a bus driver about 25 years ago. Only then did I spot he had only one leg.

Possibly my most cringe worthy moment of my entire life occurred whilst dating a pretty girl who, despite having quite a ‘pock marked’ face through a bad case of acne a few years prior – she was, despite the ‘pock marks’ extraordinarily pretty. In fact, the ‘pock marks’ kind of made her even more pretty in a strange way. Anyroad, where was I? Oh yes. I do digress don’t I.

We were walking along when a young man with extreme acne scars walked by. Somewhat unkindly I commented “Did you see him? A face like a dartboard”

Approximately 3 seconds later I began to scream internally.

Suffice to say our relationship somewhat withered quickly.

Well? I was only 17. Oh the cruelty of youth eh?

Come along then all you MMAers. Confession time!

 

 Bigmouth Strikes Again
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Posted by on March 21, 2014. Filed under COMMENTARY/OPINION. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry
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6 Responses to Bigmouth Strikes Again

  1. bitcodavid Reply

    March 21, 2014 at 10:15 am

    OMG! I confess! I confess! If this were 500 years earlier, I’d be a Catholic, now!

    Here’s one from an upcoming book. In fact, to be fair, I’d need several volumes. But here’s chapter 1, Issue 1.

    When I was working with bands, a certain band in Boston had a Gay lead singer. This was the late ’70s, and Gays hadn’t quite achieved what little egality they now have. I had never seen this band, but received an opportunity to mix their opener. So during their set, I – naturally – stuck around to watch. Well, this lead singer would occasionally perform under a female persona – in full drag, and this was one of those occasions.

    After the set, I was in the dressing room, smoking up and preparing to strike the stage. In comes this particular front man, now in his normal male attire. Well, I had no idea who he was.

    So, I started in. “Did you see that last act? That guy’s a drag queen… f*ckin’ queers, etc. etc.”

    Boy howdy, was my face red, when he said, “I’m L__ M____.”

  2. Michael John Scott Reply

    March 21, 2014 at 11:33 am

    Let’s not forget John Travolta at this year’s Oscars when he mangled a name so badly it didn’t even resemble the star he was introducing.

    • Jess Reply

      March 21, 2014 at 12:29 pm

      Yeah poor Idina Menzel getting her name all screwed up to Adele Dazim. He’s supposedly dsylexic so that may have been part of it, maybe he never rehearsed her name properly.

  3. mrloser Reply

    March 21, 2014 at 12:35 pm

    Stop me if you’ve heard this one before, but heaven knows I’m miserable now and still ill that some girls are bigger than others. I know it’s over, so what difference does it make that the joke isn’t funny anymore?

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