15 New Rules for America from Her Majesty the Queen
To the good but intemperate citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II who reigns supreme:
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’ Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’).
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ”like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u” and the elimination of ‘-ize.’
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
Contributions from Michael Yon Online Magazine.
Ok, allow me my dream a moment. If we get her majesty back, I have dibs on Prince Hot Ginge since his brother is married with a kid already. That is all.
…and I want…want….sigh never mind!
You can have all the want/wish list you want as long as your other half buys into it and is okay with it. My husband has no other choice if he wants to keep me around, because I have a very long wish list. His name is always somewhere near the top so he’s good for now 🙂
LOL…I’d like to get a peek at that list!! 🙂
Hell my husband doesn’t even get access to the list since it changes so frequently depending on my crush of the moment. Only a couple people stay on the top 10 at all times. He is one of them 🙂
Wait just a damn minute there Queeny, you chased the religious nuts out of Britain over this this land. Until you take them back and fix them, we are not going to just up and give back the country back. You take care of the religious nuts and the NRA and then we will talk. OK?
Just read it again. Still laughing my nuts off. BRILLIANT!!!!!
Thought you’d like this one 🙂
Best idea America has had in…..well….ever really 😉
er…now you’re getting our politicians would you mind awfully just keeping them over there? Please? Pretty please?
To quote that great Cuban actor, musician, and raconteur, Ricky Ricardo, “Oh no you dun’t!”
You won’t get rid of them that easily. You take us back, you get OUR politicians. That’s the way it works. Still seem like a good idea? While we’re at it, we’ll ship the religious reich over, too. They will help you run it all, never fear.
Now, who said the British were arrogant? Isn’t all of that perfectly reasonable? Especially if you ignore the fact that we kicked their asses in 1776 AND 1812. Not to mention the couple of helping hands we gave them in the first half of the 20th century.
As humorous it is I think that, the way things are going, it might not be a bad idea to accept this and get on with it.
I think it’s a great idea and given that I have dual citizenship I’ve already got an in with the queen 🙂
So we still get Fargo? That’s good. It’s nice to keep something that at least there’s a fabulous movie named after…
And “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine”? I’m not even a beer drinker. Maybe that’s why :-).
I love Fargo and have seen it several times, and I used to be a beer drinker so I can identify 🙂
There’s a new tv show coming up with Billy Bob Thornton and Martin Freeman from the Hobbit movie on FX.
Big Billy Bob fan here!
Me too and I plan on watching it when it comes out since they are canceling Justified next season. Fargo is the name of the series, just like the movie.
What? Canceling Justified?
yep, that and White Collar are two of my shows being cancelled season 6. In the case of Justified I am sure it had something to do with Elmore Leonard dying since he was the writer and producer of the show. All I know is Timothy Olyphant better get as good a show, since he has been on Deadwood and now this and both have been great.
I must confess Timothy is seriously cool, and I loved him on Deadwood as well as Justified.