Guns Don’t Kill People- Crazy White Folks With Guns Kill People
Read Time:5 Minute, 3 Second
Is it just me, or have white people gone completely bat-shit insane? Maybe it’s not all of them- just the ones who are republican, ‘Christian’, and avid viewers of Fox news? You know, the ones who do their shopping at the local piggly-wiggly, who think that eating at Sonic burger is fine-dining, and hang on every word uttered by Rush Limbaugh? You know, THOSE white people? I’m telling you, they scare the ever-loving shit out of me. It’s getting to the point where I’d feel safer in Compton, hanging out with a bunch of black gangbangers and greeting them warmly by saying, “What’s up, my niggas?!”
It seems like ever since the school shooting in Sandy Hook a few years ago, we’ve had one white person go fucking nuts and shoot a butt-load of innocent people once a week. In the two years since Sandy Hook, there have been seventy-four school shootings. If you didn’t already know that, let me repeat it to you: SEVENTY-FOUR SCHOOL SHOOTINGS IN TWO FUCKING YEARS.
Don’t you think one was enough?
And what was the NRA’s genius solution to this epidemic? PUTTING MORE GUNS IN THE SCHOOLS! Yeah, that’s fucking brilliant! Why not just go one further and hand the kids guns so they can defend themselves? We let the mentally disturbed have automatic weapons, how much more damage could a toddler possibly do? Oh, wait- they accidentally blow off the heads of their siblings and friends. Oh, well… that’s no loss to the gene pool.
It seems like the NRA, the Republicans, and the otherwise retarded ammosexuals in this country feel as though their second amendment rights supersede human life.
Just look at the whole mess with that redneck moron, Cliven Bundy. He seriously thinks that he shouldn’t have to pay the Government for letting his cows graze on federal land? What makes this toothless old fucker think he’s above the law? If I were the head of the ATF, I would have given him an ultimatum like, “HEY, BUNDY- DOES THE NAME DAVID KORESH MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU, YOU PIECE OF SHRUNKEN BOVINE SCROTUM? GIVE IT UP, OR WE’LL BURN YOU DOWN LIKE WE DID HIM! THEN WE’LL COOK YOUR COWS AND THROW A BARBEQUE, MOTHERFUCKER!” Let that be the end of it.
Remember those other two morons who killed those two cops in Las Vegas a few weeks ago? They were a part of Bundy’s militia, and they were asked to leave because, and get this- they were too radical. Seriously- how much more rabidly anti-Government do you have to be to get kicked out of a compound full of right-wing, Obama-hating morons? That’s like Mike Huckabee turning to Pat Robertson and telling him, “You’re too radical for me, Dude!”
I’m seriously afraid of walking into a Wal-Mart or a Target these days. You have so many of these toothless, trailer park, cousin-banging assholes walking around the place with their semi-automatics strapped to their backs, for fuck’s sake! And why do we need to have ‘open carry’ events, anyway? They might as well be handing out T-shirts that read, “I’m an insecure idiot with a ridiculously small penis!” while they’re at it!
I heard a story about some guy in Georgia who stopped for gas, reached for his detachable penis, and shot his actual dick off! No reconstructive surgery or penile transplant for him- he’s gonna be spending the rest of his days squatting in the ladies’ room! Can you imagine having to live with that stigma for the rest of your life? Well, on the upside, no one will ever refer to him as a ‘peckerhead’ ever again, so there’s that.
And it’s not just the okies going crazy either- the gun craziness is spreading to the affluent white kids, too. Does the name, James Holmes, ring a bell? He was the guy who shot up that movie theater in Colorado. A more recent example would be Elliott Rodger, the kid who went on a shooting rampage in Isla Vista a month ago. You wanna know why he did it? It’s because he wasn’t getting laid. Oh, boo-hoo! If blue balls were any kind of reason to go on a rampage, then every male kid on the planet would spontaneously combust at the onset of puberty!
Isn’t it funny that when it comes to black or Hispanic gun violence, it’s written off as criminal or gang related, and yet when it comes to white gun violence, it’s written off as them being ‘mentally disturbed’, as though it’s some kind of excuse? Hypocritical is what it really is. Here’s an idea- Instead of running background checks, how about we just stop selling guns to the white man? I think that would solve the problem, don’t you?
Or better yet, since we seem to have so many homegrown patriots ready to die for our country and their precious second amendment rights, why don’t we draft them into military service and send them to Iraq? Why won’t these loudmouths really put their money where their mouths are and volunteer to go over there?
The simple answer is, they’re nothing but a bunch of fucking PUSSIES! (Note: In the dictionary, you’ll see Ted Nugent’s picture there in the entry.)
I’ve never needed a gun, and I never want one. You’d think that here in America, we would have evolved past the point of hysteria, paranoia, and fear like most of the civilized world. If anything, we’ve devolved into a society that thinks every problem can be solved at the end of a gun barrel. I mean, who fucking cares about reason, understanding, and intelligent debate?
That shit just takes too long. Praise the Lord and pass the ammo.
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This has to be satire, or Gonzales is telling bold-face lies about the Crackas.
The statistics since 1980 show that 52% of the homicides have been committed by the black race (about 15% of the population).
Of COURSE this is satire. Couldn’t you tell from the TONE? But like all good satire, it mixes exaggeration with the truth. All the incidents I wrote about actually happened. Other than the school shooting statistics I mentioned, random, senseless shootings by right-wing whack jobs are on the rise. Don’t believe all the stupid shit you hear on Fox news.
And by the way- my name isn’t spelled with an ‘s’. It’s spelled with a ‘z’. If you want to mock me, at least spell my name right!
Here! Here! Tell ’em like it is Gregory and I enjoyed your article.
With a Z, you furriner. You’re Messican isn’t ya, get out of our country you job taking, benefits mooching guy with big calves from hauling watermelons all day at freeway entrances you.
I know how to stop this shit colder than cold. These same assboils we see doing the open carry protests, you arm a bunch of brown people and let them walk down the street open carrying and all of a sudden we will have millions yammering for gun control.
You are absolutely right Jess. Those assboils would be running for the hills.
What we ought to have is an open carry day in places like Compton, Detroit, and Newark. Then shit will change PDQ! LOL!
The remarkable proliferation of guns in this country is because the NRA and other gun propagandists have convinced people that the government is coming for them, primarily because of Barack Obama’s election and people are actually believing this nonsense. How very sad indeed.
Never underestimate the fear of the black man, Lyndon!
Anyone who carries a gun in public and isn’t a cop is, like you said man, a PUSSY! I laughed out loud at some dick carrying an AR-15 in Target. Fucking idiots.
I would love to see a gay pride/ open carry event at Target. There would be way too much phallic imagery!
It’s hard to wrap one’s head around the idea of 74 school shootings in one year. I know this counts accidents and the like, but still. 74? I enjoyed your article Gregory. Thanks.
Thanks, Rachael! Always happy to hear from you!