- CRITTER TALK
Clint Dempsey scored the opening goal whilst Ghana were still tying their bootlaces up, Ayew – what a strange name, perhaps he farted at birth and his mother said ‘AYEW!’ – equalised leaving Ghana with the mistaken belief they were about to get a draw and 1 point only for Anthony Brooks to disillusion them of this belief by adding a ‘J’ in front of his name and scoring the winner with only 4 minutes remaining.
The tournament started swimmingly well with Brazil dozing gently against Croatia until suddenly remembering they had kicked off and obliterating Croatia in the second half after manager ‘Big Phil’ Scholari had pointed out to them that the games were afoot.
Chile beat Australia into the outback, The Netherlands taught Spain what ‘Ole!’ actually means, Mexico bored Cameroon into defeat, England lost to Italy – again – Costa Rica lit up the world against an abysmal Uruguay, Columbia ignored Greece completely as if they weren’t there and, frankly, might as well not have been, Argentina finally remembered the whistle had gone and beat Bosnia and Herzigovina who deserve to lose if only to save the commentators from having to keep saying such a long name beyond the group stage.
France discovered life after Zidane and made Honduras feel like little kids still learning the game, Switzerland dropped a mountain on Ecuador, Ivory Coast sunk Japan, Iran and Nigeria decided to play some alien game rather than football, Germany demolished Portugal, Russia and Korea settled for a draw neither having the wit to win, Belgium beat Algeria because they just had to really and Brazil forgot their beautiful game, became diminished and had to settle for draw with Mexico.
All in all, not a bad tournament at all up to now. True, there have been boring games but not many. Most have been entertaining – if not necessarily for the right reasons. Iran and Nigeria being a case in point. I suspect many observers were tempted to run out onto the pitch and say to the players “Now look. This round thing is a football. The aim is to get this round football into the goal of your opponents. Your opponents incidentally are the chaps wearing a different coloured kit to you. NO! Not those three! They’re the referee and linesmen! – Oh Good grief!”
Today – which might be yesterday or the day before by the time you read this – is very interesting. Australia, knowing The Netherlands (who used to be called Holland which is much easier and quicker to say incidentally) stuck 5 past Spain, the reigning World Champions, are probably pooping kangaroo doo into their shorts right now – or where when I wrote this. Actually, Australia might as well chill out and enjoy the game as they’ll only have one more to play before the long flight home.
Spain, despite winning the thing four years ago, are in very deep doo-doo indeed. They lost their first group game four years ago but went onto win the tournament. However, they didn’t lose it 5 – 1. Chile know Spain have to win and, having 3 points in the bag against Australia can afford to play expressive football and entertain as even a defeat wouldn’t end their adventure in Brazil whilst a defeat for Spain and the reigning World Champions would be out. Shame. Adios amigo’s.
Cameroon are also playing Croatia but, frankly, unless you are Croatian or Cameroonian – Cameroonian? Surely not – whatever – unless you are from their nations nobody really cares about them. After three. One, two three – AWWWWWWWW
So, what does the immediate future hold for the teams that count? England and the USA.
England have to beat Uruguay and Costa Rica. Uruguay were not very good against Costa Rica which may bode well for us. However, Louis Suarez, Uruguay’s star man will be back from injury so we can only hope, given his reputation in the English Premier League where he plies his trade, that he doesn’t come back too hungry.
The USA merely have to negotiate their way past Portugal and Germany. Simples!
Portugal will not be as poor as they were against Germany so beware the wrath of Ronaldo America but, I believe, a performance as good as you showed against Ghana could see you through against Portugal. You do need to win that one though as you face Germany next.
The thing is with Germany, give them a war and they’ll lose it. Give them a football game and they’ll beat the crap out of you. They are very very very good indeed so good luck America!
This is MMA’s World Cup Reporter reporting – not from Brazil sadly. I did ask Mike for an expenses paid trip out there so I could report more accurately but he preferred to stock up his beer fridge with my expense funds. Oh well. His loss